tagged

ok.. so Ive been tagged... 5 obsessions eh...

ok.......

here goes....

erm....

well first ones uninteresting, if annoying to the point of debilitation.

1. Things have to be clean. No, this doesnt mean Im tidy. Im complex like that. Stuff has to be clean, especially food related stuff... if its not, I freak out. Case in point being the glass at the local pub last night. Now, admittedly it SHOULDNT be a big deal that there was sticky stuff on the rim of said glass - which I can only assume when my lip got stuck to it halfwaythru my drink.. must have been someones old lipgloss. Shouldnt be a big deal. But it is. Its not fucking difficult to wash a glass properly.

2.Perhaps not a an obsession, well not an obsession with the bad stuff itself, more like If theres something wrong, and I cant fix it because people wont let me... that drives me NUTS. And Il tend to pick over it in my mind till I have to make myself stop. when theres nothing you can do theres nothing you can do. that feels like a failure, and I dont like it.

3.Murder She Wrote. Nuff said.

4. With very little else to do while looking for work I get into these little time limited obsessions. Theres been a number of these. It gets to the point of I HAVE to do this, why isnt there more available? Why cant I do more today? Why do I have to wait till tomorrow? Such things have included online games, online crosswords, looking after virtual pets, LOLZ, knitting, sewing.. covering my desk with patterns of nailvarnish dots...

5.Specific foodstuffs, tied to events, places and times of year. Nucular - yes thats the correct spelling - cheezee poofs from a certain store that means they arent just Nucular cheezee poofs, they are ... ... .... Nucular Cheezee poofs. These only work alone or as part of a meal WITH a nice sammidge from the same store. I think Im coming the end of my current toast fetish... i think, but then autumn is here... which demands cinnamon toast. Soon, certain coffee chain should be bringing out their winter flavours.... if they dont have dark cherry mocha this year I shall cry. That should be drunk, hands wrapped around the paper cup for warmth, on the way to trying to do something good. Headfones on, dropkicks blaring. Flaming Hot Monsta Munch. Anywhere anytime baby. There are others.. but ducko just brought me coffee... and a Wispa Gold.. and theres Nucular waiting in the kitchen.

So its bai bai for now, Il tag people when Im not after coffee!

ongoing

Yeah.. im still back.. Im just lazy.

been a while

yes.. sorry bout that... and now im being mocked about how long its been.. yeah.. thanks ducko. Been a little busy... got that summer library job.. now sadly summer is over and yes, so is the job.

Overall it was good...

Certain things about it werent...

Im a little OCD about things being clean you see...

Im a little phobic of being sick...

People do nasty things with books.

People bring books back covered in nasty.

Worst I heard.. which im still not sure I believe.. was someone using raw bacon as a bookmark.

Best I saw.. was a woman who came to the library walking her dog.. and her cat. The dog had a lead... the cat just came along for the walk, which apparently it does everytime she comes. NICE!

Id suggest this to catface, but theres only so many times you can be looked at by your cat.. its eyebrow raised with an expression that clearly shows its distain for you and all your ideas, before you decide if its so great it can clear out its own litterbox. - dont try that at home people, cats are stubborn and just WONT.

Yeah..

work was... tiring. and not paid that well. I shall whinge more about the sheer unfairness of payment at a later date when I will also regale you with tales of bitchface and her assistant.

This is just a hello.

Im still here!

*waves*

Mantras

Mantras... sayings... those little phrases you might spout without thinking.

They make you feel better, get you through the hard times, annoy the monkies out of people you have said them to too many times.

Im not talking about the "Clean your room"s

or even the "I love you"s

but those little globules of wordyness.. you know the ones.

Well theres one me and my mentee have grown to love. We use it often, not because its glib, but because it applies so often.

It's simple. It's clear. It is...

Man the fuck up.

Im not saying that this only applies to men, but today, they are who it is aimed at.
Im talking about those men who pride themselves on their Masculinity. Their Manliness. Their being powerful, strong, capable, in control, masterly, messianic...
These are the ones, who in a crunch, turn into lily livered little cowards. This annoys me. As a woman, I find we put up with a lot. Men as described above. Theres no need for them to put into words their belief that they are better in some undefinable way than any woman. we put up with this because those we love, love them. They stand in a room, not believeing, not thinking, but KNOWING all women are lower, and presumably, horrendously attracted to them.

I know im sounding bitchy here. but I do not hate all men. I hate this particular kind of man. Who when realising they have a difficult decision to make, choose the easiest possible way out for themselves, not caring, probably not even realising how hurtful they are being.

THESE MEN ARE COWARDS

They are exactly the opposite of that which they believe themselves to be.

Deep down I hope they know how cowardly and pathetic they are. But I doubt they do.

These are the men who need to man the fuck up. Be human. Actually behave in a manner that is at very least respectful to those who have given up their time, lives, and love to you.

Hayfever and other annoyances

Yes folks.. Its hayfever time.

I love trees. They dont seem to love me. Hell im not even sure its tree pollen im most allergic to. Could be that bastad grass.

So im doing my scratchy throat with tongue thing in my sleep. So I wake up with a throat on the verge of tasting bloody.

Fun eh?

Iv got potential news, but dont want to jinx it. *knocks on several pieces of wood*

Theres things Im thinking of trying, but the deadlines and my general style and laziness probably mean they arent compatible. That and Im a big chicken. Today I shall mostly be being annoyed at wimbledon taking over the tv.

not so interesting..

apple ogies.

its been a BAD DAY please dont take my picture...

I say bad day.
Started with a bad night.
Bad night on the phones.
Unpleasant. Heartwrenching. Stomach churning. Maddening.

pick your favourite

Nasty people. People are stupid, nasty, vindictive.

Not sounding jaded am I?

Called back a job I didnt get - yes another one - for some feedback

Out of 9 applicants, only I didnt have any experience working in a library.

Out of 9 applicants for this part time role, 5 people had the degree in working in libraryness.

8 years of using academic libraries and a lifetime of ordinary ones just doesnt cut it.
The ability to do the job is outmatched by any experience. But how to get experience?

Being truthful apparently not a big plus point. Listening also not an important skill for interviewers...
Yes, I said that my dizziness has been a problem with reading in the past.
Did I explain that I had worked around that, using computer programmes that I can demonstrate to others with reading difficulties, not only to read for pleasure but to complete a frikkin research based history degree? Yes.
Did I say that I do not read for pleasure now? That I cant read actual books? No.
Did I say that I do read and list a number of texts, including those by my lovely authory friends? YES I BLOODY DID.

Im pissed off.

Dont not give me a job because you havent listened to what Ive said.

funneh

ok. this has been making me giggle constantly whenever I think about it for the past few days.
I thought id be kind and share. Welcome to the Giggles.

tired...

Im tired.

2nd overnight shift of the week last night - and no - dont go getting your hopes up folks - its not paid work. I VOLUNTEER for this.

Im STILL dizzy from the tv massacre of last weekend.

Ive been terrified by a recruitment agency ringing me to reccomend applying for a job when i honestly cant remember having any contact with them, let alone having given them a copy of my CV.

There has been an ideal job spotted. Something that would be great. Something that would be fab. Something that would be interesting and actually relevant to the 8 years of getting my degree.
Problem.
Its in Alnwick. It involves ladders and spiral staircases. Normally Id apply anyway, expecting nothing and hoping for the best. At the moment the dizzy is still so present that Im dubious about doing even that.

I dunno.

Everythings just a bit *pleh*

I put the best friends birthday present thru her letterbox. That was monday. Its now friday and Id heard nothing. I broke the rule for the first time. I txtd her.
"This situation is weird but i wouldnt have thought you would be able to not comment on the awesomeness of that present. Are you away? Did you not get it somehow?"
She got it. She loves it. For some reason she didnt think to let me know. But apparently she has a plan or scheme or something. Il just have to wait and see.

Dizzy

Yup.

Im dizzy.

For once its not my fault, which means I can be righteously pissed off about it. Damn 4OD online catchup and its Kirsties Homemade Home with its invisible to most people and mostly to me wiggly line of error 1/3 of the way up the screen. Couldnt see it most of the time. Has affected me like the nasty refreshing of olde stylee monitors. Am very dizzy.

Woke up on sunday, turned over, the world kept on going.

Not good.

Poor Ducko - hadnt seen me in a real dizzy - apparently its quite worrying.

Ah well, aside from a few unwanted meanderings when attempting to answer the phones during an unavoidable overnight last night - all is mostly as can be expected. I do not like squishy matresses. I especially dont like squashy matresses on beds where I cannot easily lie with one foot on the floor - the things dizzy people have to do to know where the world is -

Well im off to wrap the birthday present for the best friend im not allowed to see. Its been planned for her from before the whole thing kicked off. (January) Cant not give it. Hope she likes it. I suppose putting itching powder in it would be childish.

(not that im above being childish - at a sams event on saturday I got my face painted)

When I rule the world

Nope not a megalomaniacal post - sorry - tho I will get around to submitting my manifesto at some point.

Just that whenever you select anything to watch on the new channel4 online service - you have to sit thru an advert for vodafone with various people lipsynching badly to the song "When I rule the world"

Gets stuck in your head a little bit.

A few weeks ago I had christmas songs stuck in there.

Last week it was the "Ive got a golden ticket" song from the original charlie and his chocolatey factory. Then my delightful mentee added the "Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka" one from the more recent film to the mix, and giggled at me while I struggled with the combination of the two playing at once through my synapses.

Im trying not to dwell on the stuff Ive been posting about recently. None of it has changed. Im still feeling the same, physically and emotionally sick. None of it will for the forseeable future. - with the exception of the friend I went back to find getting in touch - for which I am glad.

I had two, count em, TWO interviews last week. Am sitting and waiting to hear now. Am applying for more things. Weirdly, one interview was in a hotel room. With a bed and everything. Most bizzare. I thought it was weird when they did it on e.r. recently. Less weird even for that interview to be conducted by Dr Corday, then cutting to a blurry shot of the dead Dr Greene walking past the hotel entrance.

I digress.

I have laid a floor. I may have mentioned. That was the bathroom. That included work by Ducko. This is the kitchen. This is all me. Self levelling compound that didnt self level, I conclude now this is because the ready mix had evaporated too much liquid. So after chiselling all the lumpy bits off the first layer, mixed the ready mixed second batch with more liquid. Heres a tip - if you buy stuff from the clearance sale bit of a hardware store - be sure its of the correct consistancy before applying. Do not believe what it says on the tin!
Anyway, it is now smooth with a captial smoo (as someone once said - perhaps in red dwarf) and awaiting the laying of tiles.

Im hungry - today is tuesday... shopping was done on thursday... whats the betting there is nothing worth eating downstairs? Im watching Ramsay's kitchen nightmares and wondering when waiters and waitresses became servers.

50th post

I wish it was happier.

I looked at things I shouldnt have.

Now I feel sick, cold and tired.

Iv had enough of this.

Enough.

I want to move on.

Its past fucking time.

...

Im still here.

Im still there.

Very little contact with anyone... Im being cautious.

Messages to old friends come with the proviso of If you tell, Im gone.

This still hurts.

This still makes me a bit sick.

Im Vylna again. 

I always have been.

I just dont know if I can be.

well i did say id keep you posted...

so here you are...

posted with an actual post.

*wonders if a blog has ever been done with postit notes*
*thinks then it wouldnt really be a blog...*
*stops evading and gets back to the point*

ok, so one of the main reasons i went back was to try and contact a friend from back then (told you it would be something to do with trying to reestablish some friendships). Her email no longer gets answered, but her husband eventually replied to his, they split months ago. no contact. hes had to move out of state. he doesnt know what email if any she is using now.
So i was trying to find a way to get in contact and see if she is ok.
One person I know she was friends with - is now partnered online to her now ex husband. Dunno if im gonna get anywhere there. - sorry if this all seems too complex.

I lost all my inventory - so had to start again

i dont look like me. I knew one shop well enough to get an item of ME clothing, but my shape and skin arent me. I cant have people i knew seeing me like that - hello vanity!

I mentioned i thought seeing the places i used to be happy might help me move on.

I realize now that cant happen.

Cant face going there

not entirely sure i need to. it may make things a helluva lot worse without making anything any better.

I also couldnt stop myself taking a fleeting look at one profile. The one who broke me is still where he left me for. He can do what he likes now. However fucked up it is.

I cant be on there. I cant be different from how I was, because I was my ideal. But I cant get that back. I cant deal with the chance of running into him. Im not expecting much sleep tonight. The split second glance I had of his picture is gonna be haunting me for a while.

This is my place to say whats going on. I dont mean it to hurt anyone. If it does im very sorry.

A little bit...

Ok...

Am a little tense.


Am a little nervous...


Am lying through my teeth.


Am fkn terrified.


When you dont listen to yourself, you only have yourself to blame for what happens. Perversely, the same is true when you do listen. As I was wittering on about last time.

I havent been able to stop picking.

In fact Ive been poking more great big bloody holes.

Theres a horrible twisted excitement and terror.

Ive recreated. Ive reactivated. Im reborn. I exist again.

I havent tested it out.

Im not there yet.

I know Im probably going there looking for friends after losing others.

I know its probably a bad idea.

If I see the one who broke me...

Im assuming I will shatter again.

But theres the little red box with the X in it.

Im quietly hoping this will help me move on.

As always im hugely greatful to the friends and loved ones I do have.

I dont know yet if or when Il go on. For now I think I just have to get used to the feeling of possibility. Tho if it keeps making me feel sick I might just get rid of it all again. Or keep it till I can comfortably wear my jeans again...


Il keep you posted.

Bad ideas

Why do I never listen to myself?

Why do I listen to myself?

Both are wrong.

I thought.. I should send a message to my friend. I should ask her to tell me not to do the stupid thing I was thinking of doing.

I should have done that.

She would have reminded me of what it took to get over it last time.

I should have listened to me on that.

Instead I listened to the other part of me. The overwhelming desire to be back there, to get back some of what I had.

Its impossible. Theres no point. But I wanted to SEE that there was no point. I wanted to SEE if I could handle it.

The very thought made my heart beat so fast I had to move. No sitting still like that.

I went to see if I still existed.

I dont.

I did my erasure well.

I was sorely tempted to be born again.

Just enough me to be recognisable to any old friends.

I didnt do this.

I chickened out.

I thought, Il dip my toe in.

Il see how I feel seeing that name.

I googled.

I shouldnt have.

Still exists.

Still hurts.

I feel sick.

At least now I know.

I cant handle it.

The wound that was, still is.

Its not even a pick attable scab.

It bleeds.

It weeps.

Iv just got to try and stop poking at it.

Wonders what day it is...

Was just decided it was tuesday. Before the wedensdayness of it all waved hello.

Ive been poking at the best friend thing again.

Realised it had been a number of weeks since the last brief email contact, so responded making clear my by now grim conclusion views. Things wont ever improve if they are left the way they are. Sadly I dont seem to have much of a say in the way things are. As far as Im concerned, going along with someone saying the car down the road is evil doesnt do them any good in the long run.

I may have to give up and move on. Choices that arent mine have been made, which affect my life directly. But poking at it isnt having any positive effects. Its probably making me more miserable.

Seems like Ive lost my best friend.

Shes hopeful things may change in the future. I wish I could say it wouldnt matter. If I were more... adamant. Thats probably safer. Get less hurt that way maybe? Worth living like that? Not sure.

At the moment the best case scenario is, someday things will change and Il be allowed to associate with my best friend again, until the next problem when Im disposable again.

Someday I hope the best friends fiance gets over himself and his own problems and stops blaming how he feels on others. Then maybe they can have a happy life.
At the moment Im too tired of it all - not too tired to care - just too tired of it.

Its been a while...

Stained song.. love it. Has memories attatched... am trying to overlook.
moving on...

Yes anyway it seems like its been AGES. It probably hasnt. You may well be sick of me.
mwuuhahaha TOUGH.

Its not like life has been hectic. It was supposed to have been hectic these past days. I managed to find an alternate route. (I would have preferred the hectic)

I have been ill.

Saturday saw me dressed up all smart like for a stage of a job interview. Butterflies I assumed. They didnt go away. They put cloggs on. Then hobnail boots and started kicking the...
(ill leave the rest to you...)

Nobody likes being ill. Im verging, no im not verging, Im smack dab in the middle of being phobic about it. Hopefully I am getting better at dealing with it though, it seems as though I am.
I didnt run home to me mam. Some bravery there, some common sense... its quite a drive from Duckos to my place...
Ducko. bless him. I did warn him im not nice when im ill. (doubt he realises how much nicer i was this time around than i usually get) He was lovely. He rubbed my back. He brought me the kittehkat to cheer me up.

Anyhoo... I assumed I wouldnt be getting the phonecall on monday to say I progressed to the next stage. Not coz i was ill during the first stage - that came later - but coz i thoroughly messed up one of the tests, remembering entirely the wrong things and thus not getting any of the questions right. How wrong I was! Not about getting a whole lot wrong - i KNOW i did that, but I got the call.

FABULOUS

then...

PANIC

now I have to be thoroughly well by wednesday, and I have to rearrange and get cover for my time at Sams. this may not seem bad but because of this ill iv already had to rearrange 2 other things both of which are virtually impossible to do.

Now its tuesday night. I have a 7 hour interviewwy thing tomorrow. with the dizzies and not quite 100% wellness to contend with.

Oh.. and they need a copy of and to see the original of my degree certificate. Which has managed to disappear. ho hum...

Keep fingers and toes crossed for me?

WARNING

The post below is...

well sadly its typical.

Its about me and the crap Im currently dealing with.

If you think this self indulgent - shut the window.

If you do read it, dont stress. Its nothing new. It just wont go away.

Apologies

The last post was cheerful.

Sorry.

Id keep it up but, no.

Its a difficult time at the moment. Its a year on from the worst time of my life. So the memories are coming a little harder and faster than I have managed to slow them to over time.

It was the first Grand Prix of the season today. One of the drivers has the same name as the hurt. I could just not watch. I could watch with the sound down or off. But that would be weak wouldnt it?

I should be more over this by now. All I have in my defense is that it was my LIFE for some considerable time. 24 hours a day - i dont exaggerate - sleep stopped or when it did come, i was still there.

I miss some people from that time more than I can express. This is hitting harder since I seem to be losing people from the here and now in the same way, and thats hard to cope with. I dont know what to do about it. There doesnt seem to be anything i CAN do. I have spoken of this before.

Ive also talked about the corrosive nature of hatred. I still hate. I still want the hurts caused to come home those who caused them. I dont know if thats even possible. Can people who willingly cause pain on these levels even comprehend what they do? If they just dont care... then theres no hope. This may seem hypocritical. I would say I dont care. But I do care. I dont want to be like them. I also cannot imagine anything worse than having what they send out come back to them. With no reason thats what they did. And they deserve to have it back.

Im tired. Im tired of feeling this way. Im tired of inflicting this shit on anyone who may happen to read this. Il go on, things will get a little easier. They will come back to this again. Ho Hum.
Im also tired coz I was up at 5am and its pushing midnight.

Apologies. Especially to Ducko. Who contends with me like this with more compassion and understanding than could be expected.

Jam sammidges

Ah...

The Jam Sammidge.

tis a wonderous thing.

Underrated in the sammidge world. Savoury is good, dont get me wrong. My Xmas leftovers sammidge is one of the highlights of the sammidge year. Turkey, sausage, cranberry, bacon and sweetcorn stuffing, mayo, fine malty bread.... *droolz*

but the jam sammidge is something special, perhaps because it is so simple. The jam sammidge evokes many the childhood memory. when tea was actually proper. Before a big meal was needed at the end of a hard day of school or work. Back when fingerpainting and chickens and who got to go on the swings were the most important things in the world.
You sat around the table.
You got a boiled egg.
You got soldiers.
You dipped.
You schlurped.
And if you are anything like me, you hated the white of the egg - so you scraped it off the shell with your spoon, smashed the spoon through the base of the egg. poked the white bits thru the hole into your peter rabbit egg cup and prayed your parents wouldnt notice.
Then...
Sammidges.
Maybe crumpets. (crumpets are another favourite but I had them last week so the urge to proclaim their fabulousness isnt so strong)
But the sammidges.
Oh the sammidges.
White bread, or breadbun, or stottiecake.
Butter, preferably lightly salted - not back then probably - but now because I just love the combination of salty and sweet.
Jam.
Strawberry.
Raspberry.
Home made by my gran from fruit we picked as a family, inbetween playing on the tyre swing and having gooseberry fights.
Bought from Presto.
Jam.

Proper nursery food.

This makes me happy.

Especially when I have a mug of coffee with it.


I am now going to go and make tiffin. Another childhood treat. If i could make coconut meringue cookie as well i may just be zapped back to 1985.

ouchy

Ouchy

Dentist got me.

Eventually.

2 or 3 bits of work today... cant remember which.

The back of my left hand is covered in little red half moons. Even with my pre-dentist manicure (posh name for me hacking my nails off) Iv shredded my hand a bit.

He wanted to do 1 more thing today, but as I had to be on the phones at Sams this afternoon I kinda needed to be able to speak.

Got my treat coffee.

Got my nice sarnie to have once the numb wears off.

Walk to Sams...

numb is wearing off already. ouchy is arriving. coffee sips taste metallic.

get to Sams.

Bleeding.

Ouchy.

I am genius.

Im not supposed to be there for another 4 hours.

Cant get a lift home.

Walk.

Face hurts.

Coffee is impossible.

Left my sarnie in the Sams fridge.

There are no bins in the first 2 miles so I carry my cup with me. Spilling a fair amount of it on my feet as I walk.

No responses about jobs yet.

Email from best friend tho. Her man is doing better apparently. Im still not knowing what to do about this situation. I dont want to resent or dislike her for doing what she has to do for her relationship. I dont know that that wont be inevitable if this drags on long term.

I would like a coffee.

A year ago I was in the midst of the worst time of my life. Im trying to avoid thinking about that.

back to miserable already! knew the last post was an abberation.

: )

i dunno

Seems lately iv been posting when Im pissed off. At the moment Im not, so lets see what happens eh?

erm...


The tidying continues. There is still no sign of two of the three things I was looking for.

I am debating making cheezcake. But its not exactly healthy. But then Iv been kinda crap at the eating well lately... I blame the Icanhazcheezburger website. It makes me want cheezburgers.

I sprained my ankle while cleaning Ducko's old place. Iv got paint on my clothes from walking into walls. Ive been washing windows.

Iv been looking for jobs. Iv been applying. Iv not been hearing anything back.

this is turning into a whinge.

My mum has just described my hair as "Very wuthering heights" which I take to mean I look like the mad woman in the attic - that or kate bush having a screech. either way, most amusing. Must get a hairdryer and straightners to keep at Duckos.

Gordon Ramsey has just stated that his delicious shephards pie contains fabulous ground beef.

Hope you all enjoyed St Patricks day. I had Guinness. It was nice.

And I did mean to mention last time the brilliant magpie gene that runs thru my relatives and people I care about. My cousins daughter turned two last weekend - hence the family gathering. I had a lovely teddybear for her. The wrapping included a strip of sellotape dipped in different shape and colour sequins. Guess which bit got more attention. A girl after my own heart. She just better not get her eye on any of MY shiny things...

eeeeek

yup

you heard

eeeeeek

I'm at the dentists today. Had a weeks reprieve, but todays the day. EEEEEEEEEK.

Not a good idea to have leftover popcorn for breakfast...

Probably also not a good idea to have a shift later where I'm on the phone... Its gonna be interesting.

Have been sending more applications out into the ether. And via post. Id try carrier pigeon, but my crows would feel left out.

Ive been helping Ducko with DIY. hehe there's a contradiction in terms. Well, it mostly involved setting stuff on fire, which is fun. Then realising it wasn't going to burn out by itself, which was hilarious, and worrying. Then actually getting to extinguish it with a damp towel. Felt like a proper Blue Peter presenter or somesuch. Anyway, lots of painting and attempts at cleaning. Lots of - not quite glaring - more a look of... "Why are you painting that when I've just finished polyfillaing it"

Well done ducko. Survived another gathering of my family. Plus we managed to create a new series of gifts for wedding anniversaries. Much better than the traditional pap. Who wouldn't like to get their very own peasant? Bupa vouchers for their 40th? Carehome welcome packs for their 45th?

I'm contemplating what treat I can arrange to look forward to after the Dentist... I cant afford anything. Maybe I can stretch to a starbucks. It would be the double treat afterall... My being nice to people day treat as well as my after having face drilled treat. Hopefully I can have it without dribbling it all down myself. Would be an expensive waste.

Ok must go and find something to eat before I become an anaesthetised mess.

Things I hate

I stopped hating people a while ago. I realised it was harming me a lot more than it was doing anything to anyone else.

Lately I have been reassessing this idea. There are now some people I hate. There are some that are infuriatingly stupid and childish - I dont hate these people. I feel sorry for them and angry about the general way they fuck up their lives and those of people around them.

There are however THINGS that I hate.

I hate things about myself. I hate the things I cannot change, and I hate that some of the things I can, Im not doing enough about.

I hate that I freak out about food and being ill.

I HATE eating my Allbran bar for breakfast and finding a 5cm black plastic bristle in my mouth halfway thru it.

I hate how much I want to go and make myself throw up now. Which is rediculous. As its being ill that scares me. But if I do it to myself im in control. Dont worry. I didnt and I wont.

I hate people talking to me like Im stupid, or simply in a manner that implies that they know better, a better way of doing things. Thats YOUR way. I have my way. You may not like it, you dont have to try it, just dont patronise me by your tone or response. Im tired of this.

I hate that because of my fucking dizziness I cant even listen to loud angry music to take my mind off things without making myself ill for weeks.

I hate that because of how freaked I am about the plastic thingy, my stomach is churning, which makes me think that Im gonna be ill because of the plastic thing, which makes the churning worse etc etc etc.

I wish I could go away for a while.

Im too angry and freaked to even write the strongly worded letter to Kelloggs.

I would like to scream. I would like to smash things.

Instead, Il take the plastic downstairs. Il show my dad. He'l tell me Im silly or rediculous for worrying about it. Il sort out my application for a job im really interested in. Il probably apply for a few more that Im not. Il keep chipping away in my attempt to tidy my room. Hopefully Il calm down for a while, its begining already. The hot anger and fear is fading. The cold resignation is arriving. Fear will flare again. Ive done this dance before.

Il write that letter.

I hate that this may worry people. Sorry. You dont have to read it. This is my shit. Its better out here than swirling in my head.

Right. Off to be told Im rediculous, make sum coffee, and try and cheer myself up lolzifying some cheezburger lovers.

life... continued

Stuff that is around today seems mostly to be left overs from recent or more distant past. Stating the obvious maybe?

For some time Ive been wanting to take a walk around the city - photograph some of the beautiful things that people dont usually look at. Shop level - cities can be interesting. Mostly they are ugly and depressing. Take a look up. If you are lucky, there will be something worth seeing. Newcastle had a huge building boom in the Georgian era - and then they knew how to build. There are grand facades above the 'buy cheap crap here on credit' stores. Beautiful intricate carvings. A building covered in suns. Design incorporated into the copper linings of the roof tops. Windows to view the world from, and let light in, unlike modern developments where striplighting makes windows virtually unnecessary. On saturday my dizzies allowed the walk. Ducko accompanying to prevent me falling from stairs and flat ground when suddenly Id spot something worth photographing.
The more you look, the more you see.
Theres a church, an unusual church - some rediculous planner in the 60s or 70s - another building boom era - this time full of corruption and uglyass buildings - gave the go ahead for an office block to be built feet away from it. The graveyard is uncared for. There was a pile of rubbish, a discarded tv, and some incredible gravestones.
Ive always loved graveyards.

I didnt get the job i interviewed for the other week. Got the phonecall on friday morning. Not the nicest way to be woken. More applications are flying out from my computer daily. Hope a parent gets back soon or Im gonna be one dizzy person on the bus to the jobcentre this afternoon.

Nothing new has happened with the best friend. Another friend is worrying herself sick with stresses. I shall make her a cake as soon as im capable of mixing without falling over.

Yet another amiga had a reading of her new playlet - not being facetious here - it was a bit of a play so im calling it a playlet - on friday night. It was very good. I giggled. I got cola up my nose.

Ducko and I had fun smashing stuff over the weekend. smashy smashy smashy. Fortunately the wall needed redoing as the plaster was blown, but it was impressive how much glass and pottery we got embedded in it. I have always thought smashing stuff must be hugely theraputic. I was right.

(my room is still a mess)

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=106180&id=557862106&l=35444

Monday - for a change

monday monday... la laaa la la laaa la.

There are more songs about mondays than you would think. I can think of three. If i thought a bit longer i might get more, but who has time for that?

No word about the interview last week yet.

Room isnt tidy after a week of tidying.

Played guitar hero at the weekend - played 4 songs. am still dizzy. humph.

no word from best friend - but a voice from the past got in touch. Weirdly I had been thinking of emailing my friends from the time that makes me cry now, coz i still miss them. But closing the door seemed the only way to get thru it. Should I see it as a sign that one of them contacted me when I was thinking about contacting them? Maybe not. I had decided it was still not something I could really cope with. I love them as individuals - but nothing is individual - everything is linked to a place, a group, a time, a person that makes my insides go cold and ruins my eyeliner.

Poor Ducko - he has a lot to deal with. I know it hurts that theres nothing he can do to make things better. Dont think he quite gets that he is already doing and being the thing that helps.

Tidying uncovers unusual things.
Like a shoebox that was holding up a section of dvds on my shelf still containing a new pair of shoes Id completely forgotten about.
A pile of scraps of paper with notes and pictures on from communicating in class at school.
My spirograph.
A Yikes pencil.
A card from the ex fiance. This was a problem. What to do with it? Spent about 10 minutes wandering between the binbag and putting it back in its envelope on my shelf. Reached a compromise. Its on the floor UNDER the binbag. It has nice sentiments in it. I dont feel the need to throw it away in an "I cleanse my life of all traces of this relationship" moment. I debated sending it back to him with a note saying "If any of these things were true, if you are capable of feeling like this - you deserve to move on and find it anew with someone else." I have been advised against doing this. While I would be doing it with the best intentions - it might have horrible outcomes. So its still there. On the floor. Under the binbag.

Another problem. A wristband. Saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS. My mum gave me this. What the hell (snigger snigger) do I do with it? Im trying to have a clear out so stuff I dont use doesnt just sit on shelves or in drawers. But what do you do with that? It cant go in the bin - sacreligious surely? Charity bag? hmm... its in a pile of stuff at the moment that includes cables for cd players I dont use or dont have anymore, earrings, postit notes and obsolete pc software.


ah well. - as for the Yikes pencil - i loved them I still do - the one i found is silver on the outside and black on the inside. My favourite ever was green on the outside and pink on the inside. or vice versa. in searching for a new supply of them i found this, it amused me. Enjoy.

http://www.pencilpages.com/classifieds/seeking.htm

tuesdays.

Mention I didnt like tuesdays?

Brushing teeth before job interview...

Filling in back of top front tooth comes loose.

(Im terrified of dentists)

This doesnt seem like a good omen.

Job location has dizzying combination of crazy carpeting and the kind of cross hatched ceiling tiles that make me fall over. and i mean litterally fall over. They have them in the crisp section at tescos in Duckoland. I have had to be rescued from falling there several times. Im now banned from looking up when there.

Interview doesnt last all that long. Im worried this is a bad sign.

They say they have been interviewing for this one post for two weeks.

My hopes have hit rock bottom.

I wander round carparks for 20 mins trying to find my dad.

Smart "please hire me" shoes make feet hurt.

Try and find soft sandwich in town that wont threaten tooth.

Have to pay £1.40 to go ONE STOP on the metro - its that or go in my tights or buy cheap shoes from primarni...

Get to feel all growed up in my smartness holding my starbucks and metro ticket in one hand, smart bag on shoulder, Dropkicks blaring me-ness back into me thru my ears.

Hobble to be nice to people for a few hours.

Realise form I should have handed in at interview is still in smartbag.

Hopes dig themselves a hole and fall into it.

Get home.

No dentist appointment til 4th march. Unless I can get an emergency one.

Cooks pancakes.

Thinks about further tidying room that is midway thru a tidy and thus a bombsite.

Decide against this.

Sits and pokes at tooth with tongue.

Misses the best friend.

Waits for Ducko to get home.

From the wilds...

Yus Ive been out of town mostly this week. Decamped to the wilds of Ducko's territory. 

We have the cat back. Cant remember if i mentioned the cat over xmas... but we had care of a cat then. We has it back now. 

Iv become sadly addicted to Icanhascheezburger.com

I love it. 

And in general Im NOT the kind of person to find pictures of cats funny or cute. These are. Plus they allow you to put your own captions on them, and I love doing that sort of crap.

Ive been painting the kitchen.

With Duckos help apart from this evening when he has been off improving himself and getting more letters to put after his name. One end wall is COPPER. Not everyone who lives here likes this much I think. We were supposed to go and buy red paint... Then I happened to spot the cans of metallic spray paint... It had to happen after that really. (and it looks great)

Now to find the correct colour to go with the copper. Ive been painting one wall NATURAL CALICO. Its great on that wall, on the other wall with the spotlights on it its far too primrosey and institutional looking. So while Duckos been off at uni Ive been up and down ladders painting. Amazing eh?

Me, unsupported up ladders!

With my dizzy this is something almost miraculous.

Everything great.

I clean brush and paint pad.

I take bin out.

I wash floor.

I has a bit of dizzy and falls into painted wall.

I am genius indeed.

For anyone following my recent friend disaster - theres still no communication. Believe me not txting the best friend immediately when I saw and got a photo of someone all alone, dressed as jesus, shopping at the late night supermarket was hard.

Ideas on a postcard - or in a comment - if you have any notion what I should do next.

Coz i just dont know.

If its a wait and see if it gets better thing... I cant see it working. The best friends fiance has got exactly what hes wanted all along. Her not to have contact with me. He must be beside himself. The fact that this makes things better for no-one, and worse for half of us is apparently irrelevant. Im stopping now before i get all angry again.

Dunno how this will work - but here is one of my captioned pictures...

snow

snow


snow snow snow


tis snowing.


theres no food in the house.


So I must go out in the snow.


I was thinking the snow matched my mood. In some ways it does, in others not. Its cold. Im cold. My innards are cold. My outards are cold. My brain feels a bit numb. Im choosing to see this as a good thing. If its numb it wont hurt too much, yes there are the occasional thawings, dribbles of upsetting memories, images, feelings. But im trying to mop those up with the kitchen roll of STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT NOOOOOOOOW!!!

Its odd how the mind works. Mine doesnt always seem to like me. Most of the time it doesnt seem to like me. It seeks comfort in things that will ultimately end painfully. Imagining things differently to how they are only ends in the realisation that they will never end up that way. So I dont let myself. But my mind keeps trying. Stick with the pain you know and all that...


Sorry that this is all so depressing.


Tell you what.

Look out of your window.

Is it snowing there?

Is it pretty?

Does it recall good as well as bad memories?

Remember the good.

Tell the bad to fuck off for a while.

Have a hot drink.

Look at the snow.

And if you see me on the way to the shop to buy food - wave.

Nothing much

Nope.
Nothing much.

Nothing from the best-friend. Dont think I responded to the - meet up isnt going to happen- email. So the lack of contact is probably on me. In all honesty tho I didnt know what to say in response to that. I came on here. I vented. Now Im just cold and empty. Old crap that Id managed to squash away so it wasnt upsetting me on a minute by minute basis has sneaked out thru the new upset.

Tremendous fun.

Rejection letters arrive in the post. Im either overqualified, but without experience, or just without experience. Sorry - I lack experience. I was busy getting a Degree that was supposed to make getting a job easier.

Ducko worries about me. I dont want him to. Its not like I can do anything about this shit so why worry about it? I get told to be quiet - he will worry regardless. Silly monkey.

Speaking of silly monkeyness - we were so fully prepared for his book signing on sunday. SO prepared. Couldnt have been more prepared.
AKA
Couldnt have forgotten more everything if we had tried.
Spiffy Postcards with book info on - in a bag. Bag in house. Ducko's phone in house. My phone in house. No way to contact people in house. People we do manage to contact are unable to find bag in middle of living room with little in it aside from said post cards.
Bugger.

Book launch still went well. Even got a free starbucks.
Ducko outsold the other author.
Excellent.

Enough for now. Time for the joys of the jobcentre.

Hope you like the new music feature - hope it works more than anything actually...

Welcome to limbo

Ok.
I may have to change the name of this blog to 'whinging about my life'
After a blunt question to the best friend about the suggested meet up - got the reply

Its a No Go.

I am out of ideas. Not true - I am out of ideas that wont potentially make the situation a lot worse.
I could write letters to those involved - but I doubt they would be read.
I could force the issue by going round there. I doubt the door would be answered - even if it was I suspect it would be slammed quickly.
I could go see the ex - this could have numerous bad outcomes.
I could do nothing. This helps noone. If the best-friends fiance still hates me after over a year - I dont see that doing nothing will make any difference.

I feel for my friend. I really do. She has been in a horrible situation. But Im getting angry now.
I cant help but think that the refusal to even meet and talk about this shows a spectaular level of immaturity and admission of being in the wrong - knowing it - and not wanting to see it.

Fucksake.

About this time last year I lost a lot of friends. The best friend was my only remaining longterm friend in the area. Its not that I dont have others - Im so greatful to the ones I have - Some of you I know read this and you kept me here when I didnt want to be. The best friend is special. I cant be without her and dont see things changing - but Im terrified of making things worse.

Welcome to limbo.

The rest of this week has been pretty shit.

Fun huh?

Tuesday again...

Yup, its tuesday again.
One week on from the bombshell.
No positive news yet Im sad to say.
Ive suggested meeting up to talk but this has been neatly sidestepped everytime. Il mention it again. This isnt something I can give up on.

Anyway...

Yes last week was busy. Friday was driving from one end of the country to the other for my Cousins wedding. This isnt good for a dizzy person such as myself. Didnt help that I had a stinking cold. (Which is hopefully on its way out today)
Ducko picked me up at about 2pm.
Halfway up the road we realise the directions are back in the house.
Just heading out of town - bad traffic - about 2.45 I realise I have forgotten my black shrug jacket - essential to my outfit as it hides the tattoos from unsuspecting parents. Decide that theres no point going back for it - will find something in a shop before the wedding.
Just past Leeds - approx 2 hours into the journey - realise Ive forgotten the wedding present. Decide that this will be taken as typical of me, and will pass it on at the soonest possible time.
Traffic Jams
Accidents
Bad coffee at rest stops
Expensive crappy food at rest stops
Stinky toilets at rest stops - at this point I'm blessing my snotty nose.
Phonecalls from parents - where are you? Are you nearly here yet? No we dont know where that is. Ah well you will get here eventually. Watch out for the long horned cattle. We will leave the lights on for you.

Cornwall is FAR. Its probably very beautiful. We mostly saw it in the dark.
The directions to the place are my kind of directions. After you have come off the motorway - count over 6 cattle grids, and look out for the house lights. Mind the turn is very sharp. - none of my directions to anywhere contain road names or numbers. Mostly its.. you know that pub? Its near there, turn left at the funny looking wall with the spikey tree by it.

We arrive. Its pitch black. Im dizzy as hell and have been posessed by the bubbly snot monster. My cousin waves us in aeroplane style with a torch. The room is beautiful - the whole complex is an old converted abbey and farm buildings. There is underfloor heating. (We cant work the underfloor heating) Im alternating between falling over, sneezing, being boiling and freezing. The ensuite is superheated to volcanic proportions by the unswitchoffable heated towel rail.

Saturday - Ducko and I giggle at the amusing sign on the toaster telling you it is an attended appliance, which shouldnt be left unattended. We stop giggling as we realise this means our breakfast is very burned as the toaster doesnt automatically pop up. I had no idea they even made such things anymore. A not self popping toaster? WHY??? We giggle again as the burned bits are still tasty and random members of my family are doing odd dances outside the window to amuse us. Lordy knows what the bride's family thought she was marrying into.

We decide to try a local town to get something to hide my tattoos. There is one shop. It has a black shrug in its clearance sale. It is COVERED in large round sequins. Ah well... I can cut those off... it wont take that long. I get grumpy in queues at the best of times. With time short before the wedding, dizziness and a killer headcold - this was not the best of times. Poor Ducko tried to console me and reassure other customers while I muttered with increasing ferocity about my desire to end people who waste time in shops by taking items to the counter - then saying there is a problem... then sending their offspring to find alternative items, rejecting these... searching for others... all while a queue builds up behind them so long that people are joining it incase theres a celebrity signing at the front of it.

we make it out of the shop. Ducko drives while I start cutting off the sequins in a horribly dangerous sharp bladed scissors in a moving vehicle type way. Duckos car is covered in sequins. Our room at the farmhouse is covered in sequins. We cut the last ones off as people are shouting the Bride is nearly ready. We rush.

It was a beautiful wedding. Not standing on ceremony - just perfect for a joining of families. Giggles aplenty, tears from some, cake for all.
Well hopefully cake for all, we had to leave before the cake was cut that evening. Duckos first book signing scheduled for 12pm on the sunday. Back up north.
On the positive side - hes enjoying listening to my beloved Stephen Fry reading Harry Potter.

Id write more, but this is becoming another epic.

Bad tuesday

Yes. I know its wednesday now.
Last night wasnt really a blogging time.
This week was going to be busy -
Monday - Jobcentre
Tuesday - Coffee with my best friend then a shift at Samaritans
Wednesday - Haircut and possible attendance of a Lesbian Wedding
Thursday - Ducko's book launch
Friday - Drive to the other end of the country for Cousins Wedding.

Monday - fine - jobcentre depressing as ever
Tuesday - Coffee with best friend - Suddenly best friend is crying and saying that she cant be friends anymore. - I hope you are sitting comfortably - this could be a bit of a long story.

My best friend has been my best friend for 15 years+. She has been engaged for a long time. Her fiance has a brother. This brother became my fiance. We were together for 5 years. Over time I came to realise that anything I enjoyed he would start, and take over - making it his more than it was mine. Petty little things.
People may think - Hey - its nice that he takes an interest. Its nice for couples to do things together.
Sure - thats true - it IS nice to do things together. But to have your identity and anything that is yours absorbed and subsumed by another is soul destroying over time.
One time I stood up for myself. One time. - now this taps into other stuff im still upset about so I cant detail too much -
Second Life. I found it - I made friends and found a second home - if you havent experienced this - you may have trouble understanding just how real it can be - the friendships and actions on there are as real as any ever - there I could be myself.
The fiance joined. The fiance moved into the area where I played. There I had a role, a function. It was mine. He began to encroach - just as he had with everything else. This may well have been the first time I even noticed this.
I asked him one night not to spend all his time there. Not that I didnt want him there. That I had stuff going on there and I couldnt be with him all the time. JUST not to spend ALL his time there. Pointing out the myriad of other areas he could get interested and involved in.
Something snapped.
I had wounded him.
I had broken his heart.
I was just like the last girl who had crushed him.
He didnt speak to me for a week.
I apologised. I pleaded. I begged.
I wasnt forgiven.
This continued for months.
Every time I spoke to him I would apologise for this apparently horrendous thing Id done.
I wasnt forgiven.
I came to realise that I hadnt actually done anything that horrible at all. I asked for some time, some space, something for me without his constant presence.
I got angry.
I said enough.
Im done apologising for this.
This didnt go down well.
Stuff happened - he said he realised he had been acting childishly. This didnt stop him joking when he had tests on his heart, that he now had a physically broken heart to go with the emotional one.
6 months of this. We didnt talk. I cleaned the flat. I cooked for him. He would eat and go sleep in another room.
Whatever I felt for him died.
Being treated like a pariah killed it.
There was nothing left.
I no longer saw him as someone I wanted to walk down an aisle to. I didnt want to have kids with a man who would sulk and treat me like that.
It was very over.
I didnt want it to happen - it was difficult as hell.

Things kicked off on my birthday - Id been talking with my friends for some time about how difficult things were. We all went out for a meal. Things were tense. During a drink afterward he threw money at me and told me to get a taxi home before storming off. I called him several times and said that we needed to talk about how things were.

Next day we talked. He apologised for how he had been behaving. It just didnt matter anymore. It was too late. I said I needed time and space to think about things and try to work things out. He argued that I had had nothing but time and space since august. I wouldnt call not seeing each other because he wouldnt forgive me, the time and space I needed.

Two weeks went by. I didnt know what to do. I couldnt stay with him because it was what he wanted. I couldnt stay with him because I was terrified there would never be anyone else. I couldnt stay with someone I no longer loved and make us both miserable.
I talked to my best friend. She was amazing. I knew how hard this would be for her - my fiance being her fiances brother she was in a horrible position. She saw how unhappy I was - and that things just werent working. She told me that he was expecting the worst and had moved all of my stuff into the spare room.

I tried to arrange a time to go round and talk to him - he avoided it. I ended it.

I arranged to go around the next day to pick up my stuff. He wasnt supposed to be there. He had put all of my stuff on the armchair in the spare room in a sick parody of how we presented our christmas gifts. His engagement ring in the presentation box, open, facing the door on the top of the pile of everything Id ever bought or made for him.
Despite saying he wouldnt be there - he was in the back room. I left quickly. I havent seen him since.
He demanded my engagement ring back. We had paid 50/50 each on each of our rings - and I had left his there - still in its fucking presentation box where he had placed it as far as I can tell, to hurt me as much as possible.
His brother sent me messages at night saying the least I could do was give him the ring back after what Id done. I didnt dignify this with a response. We had each paid half. We each had a ring. I know him - he wanted a dramatic moment throwing the ring off the Tyne bridge or somesuch thing.
Tough.

This wasnt easy - this was the end of 5 years - something I had thought would last forever. I wasnt fucking happy.

After a while my best friend told me that the subject of me and my now ex-fiance was banned in her house as it just led to arguments, rows and fights between her and her fiance.
Sadly - more than a year on - this is still a problem. For the sake of her relationship she has had to stop being my friend. Her fiance hates me. He things I strung his brother along. I dont know what my ex has told him, whether he has lied, minimised his role in the problems or what. I thought my ex had moved on - Id heard hed been on a few dates. Apparently he hasnt moved on. He is still depressed. So his brother hates me. His brother sees my best friend spending any time with me as a betrayal.

The thought of not being close to my best friend anymore is breaking my heart. For a while she was family - in my heart she still is. She is more my ideal sister than my friend. She shares my humour, my love of random stationery, everything. I cant do without her.

Ive offered to speak to my ex. Ive offered to speak to her fiance. Im going to suggest we all get together and talk this crap through. Maybe then they can move on, and I can have my friend back.

As for the rest of the weeks plans - there doesnt seem much point to any of them anymore.

Im very greatful to ducko for his help getting me through last night. I love him.

one week on...

well its been an interesting one. maybe not interesting. not even eventful when viewed from the outside. hmm... maybe i should start again.

stuff that has occurred.

My hair has been dyed, once again I am PURPLE . Except for the underneathy bit at the back - which is still BLONDE and was to remain so until I had the time to do it PINK . PINK and PURPLE should be a nice combo - one I had a few years back, before I thought fuckitnowsthetime and went all PINK . This is now on hold for a number of reasons - mainly parental. I thought that the underside being PINK wouldnt be too much for the prosepective employers who arent beating a path to my door, even to tell me they havent hired me this time. Parents disagree.
Now, normally, this would not stop me. I may have slowed down... perhaps briefly paused... but then woulda done it anyway - coz im nice like that.

HOWEVER

My mam spotted one of my new tattoos.

This is not a good thing. Shes not gonna mention it to my dad apparently... at least until i do something else 'horrendous' and she grasses me up like last time. She even begged me not to get any more. I thought it prudent not to mention the other 6 she hadnt seen...
They are already unhappy about the hair. They LOVED the BLONDE . It was NORMAL (aka i hated it) So even tho its regular hairdye from the chemists - one that normal people use - it still looks 'AWFUL' and warrents such vitriol as 'What have you done that to yourself for?'

So.. I tidied my room - well - the floor and ComfyChair TM anyway. So if Mam does decide to blab - I can say "Yes - tho your sweet little girl now looks like hellspawn and common as muck and unemployable - her room is TIDY!!!" this will not last - tho i am planning a major clear out - that will have to wait till I can stand without falling over.


Ducko's book is out - published and everything. Ive been having fun arranging prizes for the launch and various bookmarks and specially designed raffle tickets. fun fun fun. I love crap like that.


I have this week had to revisit painful memories - not something im going to go into too much detail about - but the hurt they still cause suprised everyone involved. That said - moving on is the goal now - and however unhealthy it is Im packing all that crap away and putting a large weight ontop of it. Ive tried thinking stuff thru and dealing with it that way - it doesnt work for me. not yet.


On a cheerier note I HAVE NEW SHOES!!! Third attempt at shoes for my cousins wedding. The are too big (website reccomended buying a size up as they tend to run small - and hey my actual size werent in the sale anyway) I will percy veer as they rule. Next week I may be writing about a trip to A+E and the fun of having broken ankles fixed - but till then heres a picture for you to salivate over.

Nope. denied. Il post one later when their website isnt down. but trust me... they are PRETTY.

Fortunately im not the goose

Yes - its very fortunate Im not a goose... or a turkey... or a pig. Id be off to ye olde abbatoir. Xmas has fattened me up to disturbing proportions. Not happy. Not the kind of not happy that got me thinner in the first place. Humph. Not that I want to be unhappy again. But the blubberloss was nice.

anyhoo... dizziness is attacking - too many hours of scrolling thru job sites - and sale sites - still need shoes for cousins wedding...
So now I not only need to stop eating bad food - always a comfort when dizzies are about - but need to find a form of exercise that doesnt make me dizzier.

Someone has tidied away the house exercise bike.

Walkings no good - dizziness wont allow speedyness. Even slow walking has to be my patented Head no moving up and down at all TM walk. which looks weird. and without my pink hair - people looking at me weird feels a bit judgemental. Pink hair armours against a lot.

ok - am not supposed to be on the computer much today. will go tidy my comfy chair and watch stuff that doesnt move too much, spin, or have flashing lights.

review

Yes.. i know i posted yesterday - but Ive just spoached this off the lovely B's blog watching geordie life.. and thought id fill in my answers to ward off the dizziness of job applications.

2008 REVIEW

1. What has been your biggest achievement this year?
Surviving

2. What made you laugh most this year?
Frankie Boyle. he is wrong. nasty. and almoust illegally funny - tho Michael McIntyre's skipping bit nearly hospitalised me.

3. What has been your favourite/most listened to piece of music this year?
Dropkick Murphys - no question.

4. What was your best holiday this year?
Hmm... ok so maybe this quiz was a bad idea. Il go for something that wasnt really a holiday instead - my Bro's wedding.

5. What new skill, if any, have you acquired this year?
New skill.... new skill.... erm erm .... Ooooh! I made a dress that hasnt fallen apart yet!

6. What's your happiest/fondest memory of this year?
That wedding again. Was incredible.

7. What's the best book you've read this year?
damn... there have been a lot this year since i decided to read despite the dizzies... Pretty damn amazing have been 9987 by Nik Jones http://watching9987.blogspot.com Black Boxes by the lovely Caroline.

8. If you could spend next year as a film character, who would that be?
Damn.. tough one... Lara Croft.

9. What new hobby did you take up/old hobby did you reinstate this year?
Sewing

10. What one thing would you really like to do next year?
Find what I want to do

11. What has been your best discovery of this year?
Sailor Jerry Rum with Dry Ginger

12. What news story of this year has had the biggest impact on you/do you most remember?
The usual stuff... the important stories such as the Congo crisis that are overlooked as soon as some 'SLEB' falls over and flashes her arse

13. What's the best film you've seen this year? (can be at the cinema or DVD etc)
Best is always the Crow - but thats on limited viewing nowadays..

14. What was your best buy this year?
Perhaps my 7 new tattoos

15. What has been your best day out this year?
*frowns* Beth taking me to a book launch worked out pretty nice...

16. Is there anywhere you'd like to visit next year?
Somewhere warm.

17. Name one thing you did this year that you'd like to do again.
Tattoooooos... tho at the time I did say to myself NEVER AGAIN!!!

18. Who gave you the best advice this year?
Dont know that Ive had any advice. Dont think I would have wanted any.

19. What new skill would you like to acquire next year?
Driving would be good

20. What was your favourite TV/radio programme of this year?
Scrubs has done a lot for me - and Im saddend by the death of Humph... radio just wont be as funny any more.

Bonus question that I'd like to have been asked: Do you have any regrets?
yes. but hopefully regrets are better than never knowing. maybe.

Feel free to spoach and do your own answers - I love being nosy and reading them!

Snappy Blue Ears to all

Well another year older and deeper in debt...
Suppose most people are these days. Anyway - despite money worries or terrors - the world moves on. It might even eventually grant me a job- you never know. Il have to find something soon. Being alive is expensive! Food... Other people requiring stuff... Clothing...
Unfraughtionally (<--- new word doya like it?) parents are in the know about the job interview I had before xmas... So now mum appears everyday with a sad look on her face and apologetically announces that theres no post for me. This is one of the many reasons I do not keep parents informed of such things. They make the disappointment worse - even without meaning to.
Its snowing. Not big flakes that will lie, just enough to make walking to the postbox to send off an installment to the creditcard bill that bit more galling.
I suppose a lot of people are thinking about their new years resolutions and how they probably wont keep them. Il share mine now. Havent made any. Never do. Not that Im resolved in that - that would defeat the object. I prefer irony to hypocracy anyday.
Christmas already seems a long time ago, but keep the spirit going. A happy and healthy new year to you - whoever you are. (Il be my usual unspirited self here tho and limit the whoever you are to people I like. If I dislike you...well... you deserve it. mwuhahahahaha)