Thursday 18 December 2008

Dont worry about me - honest

Do you think it can be put to good use? Feeling this way? The cold swoop as all your internal organs seem to shrink and freeze. I doubt it can be... it would only produce self indulgeant twaddle like this. I hate the past. I hate some of the people in it. Id prefer it if they werent around to affect my present. These people taught me to hate hope. To despise it. Hope = pain. I dont want the past to wreck the present and future. Ah well. Goes to show that this shit still hurts. I think I came to the conclusion a long time ago that life = pain. So im still here - for a long time I wished I wasnt. Prayed for it, begged for it to end. Not for things Id done - but because of others. One of these I encountered again today - hence the present clenching of stomach, rising vitriol, the icy heat of hate - it burns warm and soothing - its pleasant to hate - but its shrouded in ice - I despise myself for wishing another harm - tho they would do the same for me without batting an eyelid. (even in my current clenched state that phrase amuses me) My hatred is cold and implacable - there is no excuse for them. One day I hope it wont matter. I hate that it matters now. It will fade again. It isnt ready to leave me yet. Its something that for now I will live with. I have people now im terrified that this post will hurt or worry. For that Im sorry. You have in turn kept me alive and helped me smile again - even now thru the tears of how much I love yas. Right - thats me exorcised a bit. So again. Dont worry - Ill be fine.

That she looks like an ugly drag queen doesnt even help that much - as remembering that makes me think of it all again - and thats not worth it - even for the split second of mirth it brings.

Tuesday 16 December 2008

No, Im not the Grinch

Im not. Honest.

I love Christmas - What it actually means rather than the modern secularised - Ill celebrate it and expect presents even though I redicule your beliefs - sort.

Im much more all encompassing in my way - not to say that I have it right and everyone else has it wrong - that would make me as hypocritical as most world religions.

Im happy that people get together and celebrate - If they are of different belief thats fine - Peace to all and I celebrate along with them on their holy days. Ah im rambling coz Im still pissy about a stupid 'news' article that was on the tv yesterday - where a woman was called 'RACIST' for having the outside of her house decorated for Christmas. There was so much wrong with the dullards complaint that it beggars belief. Religion ISNT Race. Nor are Snowmen and Candycanes technically symbols of any religion - never mind any race. Grr.

Theres ongoing tension in the house for some reason. Maybe Im generally pissy coz of the state of things. Still no work - Still people asking WHY I havent been able to find anything yet. Still people asking WHY I dont know what I want to do career wise.

Im dizzy. This does not help my mood. Everyone seems to be stressed with THE SEASON - which should be bollox - as all the tension and stress is self imposed or perceived -

Today we have had the debacle of the tree. I have always put the tree up, sorted the branches, then Mum does the baubles - as explained to Ducko this weekend - I may seem like a bauble fascist - but Iv got nothing on my Mum - Everything has to be symetrical - theres no point trying to help- she will complain and direct and eventually redo it when you arent looking. This has been discovered and learned over many years. I do the set up - the tinsel - she the baubles, then I do the lights. Sorted. For some bloody reason this just isnt seen as right this year. I maintain that my Mum needs to get her hearing checked. After having to repeat everything I say, eventually I get snappish in my repetition. Not right of me I know. I should just shout in the first place - but then I get yelled at for doing that too. Theres no point explaining to my Dad that when he comes to yell at me for apparently being HUFFY with my Mum - that he does the EXACT SAME FKN THING when he has to repeat himself time and time again. There is no point in starting this argument - He doesnt do that, He is convinced - It all becomes my fault again.

It becomes an excuse to have a go at me for all the grievances they have been storing up - I do nothing around the house. My room is always a mess. I contribute nothing. I dont talk to them and whenever I do Im in a huff and make them think its their fault. Im not making enough of an effort to find a job / do something with my life.
I know I sound like a whinging teenager here - I dont do much around the house - nothing infact. Occasionally cook a meal or wash up. My room IS always a mess. Coz thats just the way it is. I need to have another clear out of stuff. I contribute nothing - fair enough - I dont, what have I got to contribute? I dont talk to them. We dont talk in our house - we argue. Mostly goodnaturedly - but arguing nonetheless. Huffiness is brought on by this argumentative nature. I spend little time with them coz theres other stuff Id rather be doing. We dont like to watch the same things on tv etc etc.... ok this is turning into a huge whinge.
I need to be separate - its beyond time.
Il go downstairs and explain - loudly - but not loudly enough to be misconstrued as shouting - that I wasnt huffing when I REPEATED "Theres the tree done". Mum will get it. Dad will sit up in his computer room thinking badly of me. Theres no other way - this is how we work. I love them hugely - Its just spending time with them thats the problem.

Oh and my fone is fkd. It wont send messages. Im going to get coffee. and a Sarnie. And talk to my mum.

Tuesday 9 December 2008

c....o.....l....d.....

Ok... Iv just finished a giant mug of coffee so I better type this quick before I start to ice over again.

Stuff is... messy. I need to tidy before I can decorate my room for xmas. I need to find a place to put old uncomfortable chair - which is currently the residence of smallish pile-o-stuf TM in order to get the xmas stuff out of the cupboard. (many pairs of shoes and boots will fall out and land on my feet at this point - in shoekarmic payback for them being shoved in a cupboard and not worn very often) Then old uncomfortable chair needs to find a new home, as new comfy chair needs to be moved as thats where Mr Xmas tree goes... one problem i foresee - new comfy chair is huge. and space where old uncomfortable chair is.... isnt. i could leave it by the window - but then i wouldnt be able to get to the window for curtain opening/shutting rituals. Tho that might have to be the solution.

(icing over update - the feet are numb)

The Louis de Bernieres thingy was good - I called a complete stranger a genius when he knocked my glass of orange juice over. The drive down involved sutton bank - a 25% steepness series of hairpins - always great fun in the dark and the ice. He got a helluva noise out of a scooped out armadillo tho.

(icing over update - the hands have gone now)

Ive found some festive shaped cookie cutters!!! - They were hiding in the back of the kitchen cupboard. Im overly impressed as trying to buy such things was proving rediculously expensive and elusive.

Im dizzy - from making xmas presents and overdosing on suicide girls. Gotta love a Ducko who doesnt mind either.

wish the icing would hit the throat and ear - relatively sure somethings broken now. Swallowing hurts. Yawning hurts. I might put a hat on. There are several reasons for this. I might tell you later if you are lucky.

Friday 5 December 2008

Sore ears

Ooooh I feel like a right whinge. But Im gonna say this anyway.
My ears hurt. Will get better in time Im told. Not much comfort at the moment. I
NEED to find some anti dizzy tablets. I know where there are a couple - but not enough. KNEW I shoulda asked for more when the Dr told me the sore ears/throatyness would get better by itself. eventually.

Im going to hear Louis de Bernieres talk on sunday - apparently its in a little place in the middle of nowhere.

Time for some dizziness maths.

Middle of nowhere = Twisty roads

Twisty roads = Dizzy me

Darkness = Dizzy me

Twisty roads + Darkness = Dizzy me squared.

So - if i cant find any more meds this is gonna be a nightmare.

Aside from that its money and job worries as usual - exacerbated somewhat by impending xmas - making presents is however much fun.

and now a timely reminder
The beloved Ducko's book is out. ((*&...
ok il try that again
9987 - available from Tonto books online and preorder on Amazon!
It may be thought that Im just hawking this here coz its Duckos - Im not. Its an amazing book. Real - Disturbing - Funny - That and the cover will look great on your bookshelf when you arent re-reading it - even tho the Publishers wouldnt let him call it Lesbian Nurses....

Jumper is still itchy.

(and if this post looks odd - it wouldnt let me sort out the font sizing... if it looks ok - never mind)

Monday 1 December 2008

Interesting weekends and possible frostbite

Yes. twas an interesting weekend. Moving Ducko to his new abode. Yummy food and some kitchen disasters - which still tasted good. Burnt chocolate is tasty - who knew?

Then we went to a pub and met some Lamas. (These are pronounced Lahmey in a Bo Selecta Stylee.) The lamas were in a field by the pub, not drinking at the bar - which would have been better - and warmer too.

Anyway - I have a bizzare talent. Just the one? No, but its the one Im gonna tell you about here. I can scratch my throat with my tongue - oh yes. A handy skill indeed. Its great for when my throat itches - however - there is a downside. When my throat itches during the day I can scratch it and stop. No bother. When Im asleep however - different story entirely. So at this time of year - and in hayfever season - I wake up with a killer sore throat - having been scratching it all night in my sleep. Not fun. The same nerve thats in the throat is in the ear - so my ears hurt too - adding to the dizzyfun.

And its freezing. It was freezing over the weekend - frosty had been around several times, flocking the world with icyness. Thats marvellous. Today it rains. And hails. So now Im soggy and cold. I need gloves to type really but I cant find them. And I'll get told off if I put my hair dryer on to warm myself up - good argument for washing my hair really. At least then the miracle of the toasty warming device is legitimate. Ill go do that now.