I stopped hating people a while ago. I realised it was harming me a lot more than it was doing anything to anyone else.
Lately I have been reassessing this idea. There are now some people I hate. There are some that are infuriatingly stupid and childish - I dont hate these people. I feel sorry for them and angry about the general way they fuck up their lives and those of people around them.
There are however THINGS that I hate.
I hate things about myself. I hate the things I cannot change, and I hate that some of the things I can, Im not doing enough about.
I hate that I freak out about food and being ill.
I HATE eating my Allbran bar for breakfast and finding a 5cm black plastic bristle in my mouth halfway thru it.
I hate how much I want to go and make myself throw up now. Which is rediculous. As its being ill that scares me. But if I do it to myself im in control. Dont worry. I didnt and I wont.
I hate people talking to me like Im stupid, or simply in a manner that implies that they know better, a better way of doing things. Thats YOUR way. I have my way. You may not like it, you dont have to try it, just dont patronise me by your tone or response. Im tired of this.
I hate that because of my fucking dizziness I cant even listen to loud angry music to take my mind off things without making myself ill for weeks.
I hate that because of how freaked I am about the plastic thingy, my stomach is churning, which makes me think that Im gonna be ill because of the plastic thing, which makes the churning worse etc etc etc.
I wish I could go away for a while.
Im too angry and freaked to even write the strongly worded letter to Kelloggs.
I would like to scream. I would like to smash things.
Instead, Il take the plastic downstairs. Il show my dad. He'l tell me Im silly or rediculous for worrying about it. Il sort out my application for a job im really interested in. Il probably apply for a few more that Im not. Il keep chipping away in my attempt to tidy my room. Hopefully Il calm down for a while, its begining already. The hot anger and fear is fading. The cold resignation is arriving. Fear will flare again. Ive done this dance before.
Il write that letter.
I hate that this may worry people. Sorry. You dont have to read it. This is my shit. Its better out here than swirling in my head.
Right. Off to be told Im rediculous, make sum coffee, and try and cheer myself up lolzifying some cheezburger lovers.
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3 comments:
...Um... Hmmmm... Not a great time to offer youz cheezburger... Or a drink... I can do hugs though. Or a dance maybe. Any help?
And people are wrong. Everyone is. What works for them doesn't always work for other people, I agree. Other people shouldn't force answers on you when there are no answers.
You is mint, how, and whether you believe it or not I wouldn't change anything about you. Except maybe that you lived closer. Or that we were rich and could afford to keep us in the style to which I aspire to be accustumed to, and theshoes in which you would be uncomfortable in. Oh, and that you made Crumble more often...
But these are small points :) xx
aw. bless. you two is so damned cute!
don't beat yourself up for not changing things you want to change about yourself. that's the kind of thing you tell me off for ;) instead, recognise that you're choosing not to act on that right now and just get on with life. when the time's right, you'll make the changes you need to.
i found a piece of metal in my chinese recently. at the end of the meal - of course. for the phone number of the peeps that can help see here. i can understand the feeling ill thing, but you are very unlikely to be sick from that - honest. and i understand the urge to make yourself throw up from it, but am glad you didn't.
*hugs*
Hey cutie...do you know the song Extraordinary Machine by Fiona Apple??? If not then I prescribe that you listen along...she's singing about exactly what you're blogging about...and it always cheers me up when I'm fed up with people talking down to me/judging me/making false assumtions and then acting act all their own crap and suggesting it has anything at all to do with me.
Actually I'm beginning to wind myself up now...so I'll stop.
xxxx
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