The last post was cheerful.
Sorry.
Id keep it up but, no.
Its a difficult time at the moment. Its a year on from the worst time of my life. So the memories are coming a little harder and faster than I have managed to slow them to over time.
It was the first Grand Prix of the season today. One of the drivers has the same name as the hurt. I could just not watch. I could watch with the sound down or off. But that would be weak wouldnt it?
I should be more over this by now. All I have in my defense is that it was my LIFE for some considerable time. 24 hours a day - i dont exaggerate - sleep stopped or when it did come, i was still there.
I miss some people from that time more than I can express. This is hitting harder since I seem to be losing people from the here and now in the same way, and thats hard to cope with. I dont know what to do about it. There doesnt seem to be anything i CAN do. I have spoken of this before.
Ive also talked about the corrosive nature of hatred. I still hate. I still want the hurts caused to come home those who caused them. I dont know if thats even possible. Can people who willingly cause pain on these levels even comprehend what they do? If they just dont care... then theres no hope. This may seem hypocritical. I would say I dont care. But I do care. I dont want to be like them. I also cannot imagine anything worse than having what they send out come back to them. With no reason thats what they did. And they deserve to have it back.
Im tired. Im tired of feeling this way. Im tired of inflicting this shit on anyone who may happen to read this. Il go on, things will get a little easier. They will come back to this again. Ho Hum.
Im also tired coz I was up at 5am and its pushing midnight.
Apologies. Especially to Ducko. Who contends with me like this with more compassion and understanding than could be expected.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
6 comments:
Ah, honey. I'm sorry you're still hurting. I wish I could make it go away.
Don't worry about posting stuff that isn't cheery. It really can help to get it out.
Weak? No. If you want to watch, fair enough go for it - but don't make yourself just for fear of being weak. It's not weak not to want to put yourself through pain.
Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You'll be a mental weightlifter by the time this is done. *hugs* and *hugs*
You're hard as nails you. Honest. Don't be too hard on yourself, like you said - time is what is needed. We've got plenty of time.
:D
(Diz misses you I think... was wandering around looking for you this morning...)
x
I think you both are, as baldrick would say, a lovely. and I miss the kittykat too. Cud do with something to warm my feetz. tho of course i could try the more traditional socks and shoes...
traditional socks and shoes? naaaaah... you're too much of a unique for that :)
word verification: nockfust. i think i need that to be a real word.
nockfust... something to do with smooshing apples to make cider i should think... or a teenagers partially deciphered grunt to a parent who has inadvisedly entered its room.
i do like the second of those! would need to be a yorkshire teenager i believe.
Post a Comment