WARNING

The post below is...

well sadly its typical.

Its about me and the crap Im currently dealing with.

If you think this self indulgent - shut the window.

If you do read it, dont stress. Its nothing new. It just wont go away.

Apologies

The last post was cheerful.

Sorry.

Id keep it up but, no.

Its a difficult time at the moment. Its a year on from the worst time of my life. So the memories are coming a little harder and faster than I have managed to slow them to over time.

It was the first Grand Prix of the season today. One of the drivers has the same name as the hurt. I could just not watch. I could watch with the sound down or off. But that would be weak wouldnt it?

I should be more over this by now. All I have in my defense is that it was my LIFE for some considerable time. 24 hours a day - i dont exaggerate - sleep stopped or when it did come, i was still there.

I miss some people from that time more than I can express. This is hitting harder since I seem to be losing people from the here and now in the same way, and thats hard to cope with. I dont know what to do about it. There doesnt seem to be anything i CAN do. I have spoken of this before.

Ive also talked about the corrosive nature of hatred. I still hate. I still want the hurts caused to come home those who caused them. I dont know if thats even possible. Can people who willingly cause pain on these levels even comprehend what they do? If they just dont care... then theres no hope. This may seem hypocritical. I would say I dont care. But I do care. I dont want to be like them. I also cannot imagine anything worse than having what they send out come back to them. With no reason thats what they did. And they deserve to have it back.

Im tired. Im tired of feeling this way. Im tired of inflicting this shit on anyone who may happen to read this. Il go on, things will get a little easier. They will come back to this again. Ho Hum.
Im also tired coz I was up at 5am and its pushing midnight.

Apologies. Especially to Ducko. Who contends with me like this with more compassion and understanding than could be expected.

Jam sammidges

Ah...

The Jam Sammidge.

tis a wonderous thing.

Underrated in the sammidge world. Savoury is good, dont get me wrong. My Xmas leftovers sammidge is one of the highlights of the sammidge year. Turkey, sausage, cranberry, bacon and sweetcorn stuffing, mayo, fine malty bread.... *droolz*

but the jam sammidge is something special, perhaps because it is so simple. The jam sammidge evokes many the childhood memory. when tea was actually proper. Before a big meal was needed at the end of a hard day of school or work. Back when fingerpainting and chickens and who got to go on the swings were the most important things in the world.
You sat around the table.
You got a boiled egg.
You got soldiers.
You dipped.
You schlurped.
And if you are anything like me, you hated the white of the egg - so you scraped it off the shell with your spoon, smashed the spoon through the base of the egg. poked the white bits thru the hole into your peter rabbit egg cup and prayed your parents wouldnt notice.
Then...
Sammidges.
Maybe crumpets. (crumpets are another favourite but I had them last week so the urge to proclaim their fabulousness isnt so strong)
But the sammidges.
Oh the sammidges.
White bread, or breadbun, or stottiecake.
Butter, preferably lightly salted - not back then probably - but now because I just love the combination of salty and sweet.
Jam.
Strawberry.
Raspberry.
Home made by my gran from fruit we picked as a family, inbetween playing on the tyre swing and having gooseberry fights.
Bought from Presto.
Jam.

Proper nursery food.

This makes me happy.

Especially when I have a mug of coffee with it.


I am now going to go and make tiffin. Another childhood treat. If i could make coconut meringue cookie as well i may just be zapped back to 1985.

ouchy

Ouchy

Dentist got me.

Eventually.

2 or 3 bits of work today... cant remember which.

The back of my left hand is covered in little red half moons. Even with my pre-dentist manicure (posh name for me hacking my nails off) Iv shredded my hand a bit.

He wanted to do 1 more thing today, but as I had to be on the phones at Sams this afternoon I kinda needed to be able to speak.

Got my treat coffee.

Got my nice sarnie to have once the numb wears off.

Walk to Sams...

numb is wearing off already. ouchy is arriving. coffee sips taste metallic.

get to Sams.

Bleeding.

Ouchy.

I am genius.

Im not supposed to be there for another 4 hours.

Cant get a lift home.

Walk.

Face hurts.

Coffee is impossible.

Left my sarnie in the Sams fridge.

There are no bins in the first 2 miles so I carry my cup with me. Spilling a fair amount of it on my feet as I walk.

No responses about jobs yet.

Email from best friend tho. Her man is doing better apparently. Im still not knowing what to do about this situation. I dont want to resent or dislike her for doing what she has to do for her relationship. I dont know that that wont be inevitable if this drags on long term.

I would like a coffee.

A year ago I was in the midst of the worst time of my life. Im trying to avoid thinking about that.

back to miserable already! knew the last post was an abberation.

: )

i dunno

Seems lately iv been posting when Im pissed off. At the moment Im not, so lets see what happens eh?

erm...


The tidying continues. There is still no sign of two of the three things I was looking for.

I am debating making cheezcake. But its not exactly healthy. But then Iv been kinda crap at the eating well lately... I blame the Icanhazcheezburger website. It makes me want cheezburgers.

I sprained my ankle while cleaning Ducko's old place. Iv got paint on my clothes from walking into walls. Ive been washing windows.

Iv been looking for jobs. Iv been applying. Iv not been hearing anything back.

this is turning into a whinge.

My mum has just described my hair as "Very wuthering heights" which I take to mean I look like the mad woman in the attic - that or kate bush having a screech. either way, most amusing. Must get a hairdryer and straightners to keep at Duckos.

Gordon Ramsey has just stated that his delicious shephards pie contains fabulous ground beef.

Hope you all enjoyed St Patricks day. I had Guinness. It was nice.

And I did mean to mention last time the brilliant magpie gene that runs thru my relatives and people I care about. My cousins daughter turned two last weekend - hence the family gathering. I had a lovely teddybear for her. The wrapping included a strip of sellotape dipped in different shape and colour sequins. Guess which bit got more attention. A girl after my own heart. She just better not get her eye on any of MY shiny things...

eeeeek

yup

you heard

eeeeeek

I'm at the dentists today. Had a weeks reprieve, but todays the day. EEEEEEEEEK.

Not a good idea to have leftover popcorn for breakfast...

Probably also not a good idea to have a shift later where I'm on the phone... Its gonna be interesting.

Have been sending more applications out into the ether. And via post. Id try carrier pigeon, but my crows would feel left out.

Ive been helping Ducko with DIY. hehe there's a contradiction in terms. Well, it mostly involved setting stuff on fire, which is fun. Then realising it wasn't going to burn out by itself, which was hilarious, and worrying. Then actually getting to extinguish it with a damp towel. Felt like a proper Blue Peter presenter or somesuch. Anyway, lots of painting and attempts at cleaning. Lots of - not quite glaring - more a look of... "Why are you painting that when I've just finished polyfillaing it"

Well done ducko. Survived another gathering of my family. Plus we managed to create a new series of gifts for wedding anniversaries. Much better than the traditional pap. Who wouldn't like to get their very own peasant? Bupa vouchers for their 40th? Carehome welcome packs for their 45th?

I'm contemplating what treat I can arrange to look forward to after the Dentist... I cant afford anything. Maybe I can stretch to a starbucks. It would be the double treat afterall... My being nice to people day treat as well as my after having face drilled treat. Hopefully I can have it without dribbling it all down myself. Would be an expensive waste.

Ok must go and find something to eat before I become an anaesthetised mess.

Things I hate

I stopped hating people a while ago. I realised it was harming me a lot more than it was doing anything to anyone else.

Lately I have been reassessing this idea. There are now some people I hate. There are some that are infuriatingly stupid and childish - I dont hate these people. I feel sorry for them and angry about the general way they fuck up their lives and those of people around them.

There are however THINGS that I hate.

I hate things about myself. I hate the things I cannot change, and I hate that some of the things I can, Im not doing enough about.

I hate that I freak out about food and being ill.

I HATE eating my Allbran bar for breakfast and finding a 5cm black plastic bristle in my mouth halfway thru it.

I hate how much I want to go and make myself throw up now. Which is rediculous. As its being ill that scares me. But if I do it to myself im in control. Dont worry. I didnt and I wont.

I hate people talking to me like Im stupid, or simply in a manner that implies that they know better, a better way of doing things. Thats YOUR way. I have my way. You may not like it, you dont have to try it, just dont patronise me by your tone or response. Im tired of this.

I hate that because of my fucking dizziness I cant even listen to loud angry music to take my mind off things without making myself ill for weeks.

I hate that because of how freaked I am about the plastic thingy, my stomach is churning, which makes me think that Im gonna be ill because of the plastic thing, which makes the churning worse etc etc etc.

I wish I could go away for a while.

Im too angry and freaked to even write the strongly worded letter to Kelloggs.

I would like to scream. I would like to smash things.

Instead, Il take the plastic downstairs. Il show my dad. He'l tell me Im silly or rediculous for worrying about it. Il sort out my application for a job im really interested in. Il probably apply for a few more that Im not. Il keep chipping away in my attempt to tidy my room. Hopefully Il calm down for a while, its begining already. The hot anger and fear is fading. The cold resignation is arriving. Fear will flare again. Ive done this dance before.

Il write that letter.

I hate that this may worry people. Sorry. You dont have to read it. This is my shit. Its better out here than swirling in my head.

Right. Off to be told Im rediculous, make sum coffee, and try and cheer myself up lolzifying some cheezburger lovers.

life... continued

Stuff that is around today seems mostly to be left overs from recent or more distant past. Stating the obvious maybe?

For some time Ive been wanting to take a walk around the city - photograph some of the beautiful things that people dont usually look at. Shop level - cities can be interesting. Mostly they are ugly and depressing. Take a look up. If you are lucky, there will be something worth seeing. Newcastle had a huge building boom in the Georgian era - and then they knew how to build. There are grand facades above the 'buy cheap crap here on credit' stores. Beautiful intricate carvings. A building covered in suns. Design incorporated into the copper linings of the roof tops. Windows to view the world from, and let light in, unlike modern developments where striplighting makes windows virtually unnecessary. On saturday my dizzies allowed the walk. Ducko accompanying to prevent me falling from stairs and flat ground when suddenly Id spot something worth photographing.
The more you look, the more you see.
Theres a church, an unusual church - some rediculous planner in the 60s or 70s - another building boom era - this time full of corruption and uglyass buildings - gave the go ahead for an office block to be built feet away from it. The graveyard is uncared for. There was a pile of rubbish, a discarded tv, and some incredible gravestones.
Ive always loved graveyards.

I didnt get the job i interviewed for the other week. Got the phonecall on friday morning. Not the nicest way to be woken. More applications are flying out from my computer daily. Hope a parent gets back soon or Im gonna be one dizzy person on the bus to the jobcentre this afternoon.

Nothing new has happened with the best friend. Another friend is worrying herself sick with stresses. I shall make her a cake as soon as im capable of mixing without falling over.

Yet another amiga had a reading of her new playlet - not being facetious here - it was a bit of a play so im calling it a playlet - on friday night. It was very good. I giggled. I got cola up my nose.

Ducko and I had fun smashing stuff over the weekend. smashy smashy smashy. Fortunately the wall needed redoing as the plaster was blown, but it was impressive how much glass and pottery we got embedded in it. I have always thought smashing stuff must be hugely theraputic. I was right.

(my room is still a mess)

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=106180&id=557862106&l=35444

Monday - for a change

monday monday... la laaa la la laaa la.

There are more songs about mondays than you would think. I can think of three. If i thought a bit longer i might get more, but who has time for that?

No word about the interview last week yet.

Room isnt tidy after a week of tidying.

Played guitar hero at the weekend - played 4 songs. am still dizzy. humph.

no word from best friend - but a voice from the past got in touch. Weirdly I had been thinking of emailing my friends from the time that makes me cry now, coz i still miss them. But closing the door seemed the only way to get thru it. Should I see it as a sign that one of them contacted me when I was thinking about contacting them? Maybe not. I had decided it was still not something I could really cope with. I love them as individuals - but nothing is individual - everything is linked to a place, a group, a time, a person that makes my insides go cold and ruins my eyeliner.

Poor Ducko - he has a lot to deal with. I know it hurts that theres nothing he can do to make things better. Dont think he quite gets that he is already doing and being the thing that helps.

Tidying uncovers unusual things.
Like a shoebox that was holding up a section of dvds on my shelf still containing a new pair of shoes Id completely forgotten about.
A pile of scraps of paper with notes and pictures on from communicating in class at school.
My spirograph.
A Yikes pencil.
A card from the ex fiance. This was a problem. What to do with it? Spent about 10 minutes wandering between the binbag and putting it back in its envelope on my shelf. Reached a compromise. Its on the floor UNDER the binbag. It has nice sentiments in it. I dont feel the need to throw it away in an "I cleanse my life of all traces of this relationship" moment. I debated sending it back to him with a note saying "If any of these things were true, if you are capable of feeling like this - you deserve to move on and find it anew with someone else." I have been advised against doing this. While I would be doing it with the best intentions - it might have horrible outcomes. So its still there. On the floor. Under the binbag.

Another problem. A wristband. Saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS. My mum gave me this. What the hell (snigger snigger) do I do with it? Im trying to have a clear out so stuff I dont use doesnt just sit on shelves or in drawers. But what do you do with that? It cant go in the bin - sacreligious surely? Charity bag? hmm... its in a pile of stuff at the moment that includes cables for cd players I dont use or dont have anymore, earrings, postit notes and obsolete pc software.


ah well. - as for the Yikes pencil - i loved them I still do - the one i found is silver on the outside and black on the inside. My favourite ever was green on the outside and pink on the inside. or vice versa. in searching for a new supply of them i found this, it amused me. Enjoy.

http://www.pencilpages.com/classifieds/seeking.htm