WARNING

The post below is...

well sadly its typical.

Its about me and the crap Im currently dealing with.

If you think this self indulgent - shut the window.

If you do read it, dont stress. Its nothing new. It just wont go away.

Apologies

The last post was cheerful.

Sorry.

Id keep it up but, no.

Its a difficult time at the moment. Its a year on from the worst time of my life. So the memories are coming a little harder and faster than I have managed to slow them to over time.

It was the first Grand Prix of the season today. One of the drivers has the same name as the hurt. I could just not watch. I could watch with the sound down or off. But that would be weak wouldnt it?

I should be more over this by now. All I have in my defense is that it was my LIFE for some considerable time. 24 hours a day - i dont exaggerate - sleep stopped or when it did come, i was still there.

I miss some people from that time more than I can express. This is hitting harder since I seem to be losing people from the here and now in the same way, and thats hard to cope with. I dont know what to do about it. There doesnt seem to be anything i CAN do. I have spoken of this before.

Ive also talked about the corrosive nature of hatred. I still hate. I still want the hurts caused to come home those who caused them. I dont know if thats even possible. Can people who willingly cause pain on these levels even comprehend what they do? If they just dont care... then theres no hope. This may seem hypocritical. I would say I dont care. But I do care. I dont want to be like them. I also cannot imagine anything worse than having what they send out come back to them. With no reason thats what they did. And they deserve to have it back.

Im tired. Im tired of feeling this way. Im tired of inflicting this shit on anyone who may happen to read this. Il go on, things will get a little easier. They will come back to this again. Ho Hum.
Im also tired coz I was up at 5am and its pushing midnight.

Apologies. Especially to Ducko. Who contends with me like this with more compassion and understanding than could be expected.

Jam sammidges

Ah...

The Jam Sammidge.

tis a wonderous thing.

Underrated in the sammidge world. Savoury is good, dont get me wrong. My Xmas leftovers sammidge is one of the highlights of the sammidge year. Turkey, sausage, cranberry, bacon and sweetcorn stuffing, mayo, fine malty bread.... *droolz*

but the jam sammidge is something special, perhaps because it is so simple. The jam sammidge evokes many the childhood memory. when tea was actually proper. Before a big meal was needed at the end of a hard day of school or work. Back when fingerpainting and chickens and who got to go on the swings were the most important things in the world.
You sat around the table.
You got a boiled egg.
You got soldiers.
You dipped.
You schlurped.
And if you are anything like me, you hated the white of the egg - so you scraped it off the shell with your spoon, smashed the spoon through the base of the egg. poked the white bits thru the hole into your peter rabbit egg cup and prayed your parents wouldnt notice.
Then...
Sammidges.
Maybe crumpets. (crumpets are another favourite but I had them last week so the urge to proclaim their fabulousness isnt so strong)
But the sammidges.
Oh the sammidges.
White bread, or breadbun, or stottiecake.
Butter, preferably lightly salted - not back then probably - but now because I just love the combination of salty and sweet.
Jam.
Strawberry.
Raspberry.
Home made by my gran from fruit we picked as a family, inbetween playing on the tyre swing and having gooseberry fights.
Bought from Presto.
Jam.

Proper nursery food.

This makes me happy.

Especially when I have a mug of coffee with it.


I am now going to go and make tiffin. Another childhood treat. If i could make coconut meringue cookie as well i may just be zapped back to 1985.

ouchy

Ouchy

Dentist got me.

Eventually.

2 or 3 bits of work today... cant remember which.

The back of my left hand is covered in little red half moons. Even with my pre-dentist manicure (posh name for me hacking my nails off) Iv shredded my hand a bit.

He wanted to do 1 more thing today, but as I had to be on the phones at Sams this afternoon I kinda needed to be able to speak.

Got my treat coffee.

Got my nice sarnie to have once the numb wears off.

Walk to Sams...

numb is wearing off already. ouchy is arriving. coffee sips taste metallic.

get to Sams.

Bleeding.

Ouchy.

I am genius.

Im not supposed to be there for another 4 hours.

Cant get a lift home.

Walk.

Face hurts.

Coffee is impossible.

Left my sarnie in the Sams fridge.

There are no bins in the first 2 miles so I carry my cup with me. Spilling a fair amount of it on my feet as I walk.

No responses about jobs yet.

Email from best friend tho. Her man is doing better apparently. Im still not knowing what to do about this situation. I dont want to resent or dislike her for doing what she has to do for her relationship. I dont know that that wont be inevitable if this drags on long term.

I would like a coffee.

A year ago I was in the midst of the worst time of my life. Im trying to avoid thinking about that.

back to miserable already! knew the last post was an abberation.

: )

i dunno

Seems lately iv been posting when Im pissed off. At the moment Im not, so lets see what happens eh?

erm...


The tidying continues. There is still no sign of two of the three things I was looking for.

I am debating making cheezcake. But its not exactly healthy. But then Iv been kinda crap at the eating well lately... I blame the Icanhazcheezburger website. It makes me want cheezburgers.

I sprained my ankle while cleaning Ducko's old place. Iv got paint on my clothes from walking into walls. Ive been washing windows.

Iv been looking for jobs. Iv been applying. Iv not been hearing anything back.

this is turning into a whinge.

My mum has just described my hair as "Very wuthering heights" which I take to mean I look like the mad woman in the attic - that or kate bush having a screech. either way, most amusing. Must get a hairdryer and straightners to keep at Duckos.

Gordon Ramsey has just stated that his delicious shephards pie contains fabulous ground beef.

Hope you all enjoyed St Patricks day. I had Guinness. It was nice.

And I did mean to mention last time the brilliant magpie gene that runs thru my relatives and people I care about. My cousins daughter turned two last weekend - hence the family gathering. I had a lovely teddybear for her. The wrapping included a strip of sellotape dipped in different shape and colour sequins. Guess which bit got more attention. A girl after my own heart. She just better not get her eye on any of MY shiny things...

eeeeek

yup

you heard

eeeeeek

I'm at the dentists today. Had a weeks reprieve, but todays the day. EEEEEEEEEK.

Not a good idea to have leftover popcorn for breakfast...

Probably also not a good idea to have a shift later where I'm on the phone... Its gonna be interesting.

Have been sending more applications out into the ether. And via post. Id try carrier pigeon, but my crows would feel left out.

Ive been helping Ducko with DIY. hehe there's a contradiction in terms. Well, it mostly involved setting stuff on fire, which is fun. Then realising it wasn't going to burn out by itself, which was hilarious, and worrying. Then actually getting to extinguish it with a damp towel. Felt like a proper Blue Peter presenter or somesuch. Anyway, lots of painting and attempts at cleaning. Lots of - not quite glaring - more a look of... "Why are you painting that when I've just finished polyfillaing it"

Well done ducko. Survived another gathering of my family. Plus we managed to create a new series of gifts for wedding anniversaries. Much better than the traditional pap. Who wouldn't like to get their very own peasant? Bupa vouchers for their 40th? Carehome welcome packs for their 45th?

I'm contemplating what treat I can arrange to look forward to after the Dentist... I cant afford anything. Maybe I can stretch to a starbucks. It would be the double treat afterall... My being nice to people day treat as well as my after having face drilled treat. Hopefully I can have it without dribbling it all down myself. Would be an expensive waste.

Ok must go and find something to eat before I become an anaesthetised mess.

Things I hate

I stopped hating people a while ago. I realised it was harming me a lot more than it was doing anything to anyone else.

Lately I have been reassessing this idea. There are now some people I hate. There are some that are infuriatingly stupid and childish - I dont hate these people. I feel sorry for them and angry about the general way they fuck up their lives and those of people around them.

There are however THINGS that I hate.

I hate things about myself. I hate the things I cannot change, and I hate that some of the things I can, Im not doing enough about.

I hate that I freak out about food and being ill.

I HATE eating my Allbran bar for breakfast and finding a 5cm black plastic bristle in my mouth halfway thru it.

I hate how much I want to go and make myself throw up now. Which is rediculous. As its being ill that scares me. But if I do it to myself im in control. Dont worry. I didnt and I wont.

I hate people talking to me like Im stupid, or simply in a manner that implies that they know better, a better way of doing things. Thats YOUR way. I have my way. You may not like it, you dont have to try it, just dont patronise me by your tone or response. Im tired of this.

I hate that because of my fucking dizziness I cant even listen to loud angry music to take my mind off things without making myself ill for weeks.

I hate that because of how freaked I am about the plastic thingy, my stomach is churning, which makes me think that Im gonna be ill because of the plastic thing, which makes the churning worse etc etc etc.

I wish I could go away for a while.

Im too angry and freaked to even write the strongly worded letter to Kelloggs.

I would like to scream. I would like to smash things.

Instead, Il take the plastic downstairs. Il show my dad. He'l tell me Im silly or rediculous for worrying about it. Il sort out my application for a job im really interested in. Il probably apply for a few more that Im not. Il keep chipping away in my attempt to tidy my room. Hopefully Il calm down for a while, its begining already. The hot anger and fear is fading. The cold resignation is arriving. Fear will flare again. Ive done this dance before.

Il write that letter.

I hate that this may worry people. Sorry. You dont have to read it. This is my shit. Its better out here than swirling in my head.

Right. Off to be told Im rediculous, make sum coffee, and try and cheer myself up lolzifying some cheezburger lovers.