Bad tuesday

Yes. I know its wednesday now.
Last night wasnt really a blogging time.
This week was going to be busy -
Monday - Jobcentre
Tuesday - Coffee with my best friend then a shift at Samaritans
Wednesday - Haircut and possible attendance of a Lesbian Wedding
Thursday - Ducko's book launch
Friday - Drive to the other end of the country for Cousins Wedding.

Monday - fine - jobcentre depressing as ever
Tuesday - Coffee with best friend - Suddenly best friend is crying and saying that she cant be friends anymore. - I hope you are sitting comfortably - this could be a bit of a long story.

My best friend has been my best friend for 15 years+. She has been engaged for a long time. Her fiance has a brother. This brother became my fiance. We were together for 5 years. Over time I came to realise that anything I enjoyed he would start, and take over - making it his more than it was mine. Petty little things.
People may think - Hey - its nice that he takes an interest. Its nice for couples to do things together.
Sure - thats true - it IS nice to do things together. But to have your identity and anything that is yours absorbed and subsumed by another is soul destroying over time.
One time I stood up for myself. One time. - now this taps into other stuff im still upset about so I cant detail too much -
Second Life. I found it - I made friends and found a second home - if you havent experienced this - you may have trouble understanding just how real it can be - the friendships and actions on there are as real as any ever - there I could be myself.
The fiance joined. The fiance moved into the area where I played. There I had a role, a function. It was mine. He began to encroach - just as he had with everything else. This may well have been the first time I even noticed this.
I asked him one night not to spend all his time there. Not that I didnt want him there. That I had stuff going on there and I couldnt be with him all the time. JUST not to spend ALL his time there. Pointing out the myriad of other areas he could get interested and involved in.
Something snapped.
I had wounded him.
I had broken his heart.
I was just like the last girl who had crushed him.
He didnt speak to me for a week.
I apologised. I pleaded. I begged.
I wasnt forgiven.
This continued for months.
Every time I spoke to him I would apologise for this apparently horrendous thing Id done.
I wasnt forgiven.
I came to realise that I hadnt actually done anything that horrible at all. I asked for some time, some space, something for me without his constant presence.
I got angry.
I said enough.
Im done apologising for this.
This didnt go down well.
Stuff happened - he said he realised he had been acting childishly. This didnt stop him joking when he had tests on his heart, that he now had a physically broken heart to go with the emotional one.
6 months of this. We didnt talk. I cleaned the flat. I cooked for him. He would eat and go sleep in another room.
Whatever I felt for him died.
Being treated like a pariah killed it.
There was nothing left.
I no longer saw him as someone I wanted to walk down an aisle to. I didnt want to have kids with a man who would sulk and treat me like that.
It was very over.
I didnt want it to happen - it was difficult as hell.

Things kicked off on my birthday - Id been talking with my friends for some time about how difficult things were. We all went out for a meal. Things were tense. During a drink afterward he threw money at me and told me to get a taxi home before storming off. I called him several times and said that we needed to talk about how things were.

Next day we talked. He apologised for how he had been behaving. It just didnt matter anymore. It was too late. I said I needed time and space to think about things and try to work things out. He argued that I had had nothing but time and space since august. I wouldnt call not seeing each other because he wouldnt forgive me, the time and space I needed.

Two weeks went by. I didnt know what to do. I couldnt stay with him because it was what he wanted. I couldnt stay with him because I was terrified there would never be anyone else. I couldnt stay with someone I no longer loved and make us both miserable.
I talked to my best friend. She was amazing. I knew how hard this would be for her - my fiance being her fiances brother she was in a horrible position. She saw how unhappy I was - and that things just werent working. She told me that he was expecting the worst and had moved all of my stuff into the spare room.

I tried to arrange a time to go round and talk to him - he avoided it. I ended it.

I arranged to go around the next day to pick up my stuff. He wasnt supposed to be there. He had put all of my stuff on the armchair in the spare room in a sick parody of how we presented our christmas gifts. His engagement ring in the presentation box, open, facing the door on the top of the pile of everything Id ever bought or made for him.
Despite saying he wouldnt be there - he was in the back room. I left quickly. I havent seen him since.
He demanded my engagement ring back. We had paid 50/50 each on each of our rings - and I had left his there - still in its fucking presentation box where he had placed it as far as I can tell, to hurt me as much as possible.
His brother sent me messages at night saying the least I could do was give him the ring back after what Id done. I didnt dignify this with a response. We had each paid half. We each had a ring. I know him - he wanted a dramatic moment throwing the ring off the Tyne bridge or somesuch thing.
Tough.

This wasnt easy - this was the end of 5 years - something I had thought would last forever. I wasnt fucking happy.

After a while my best friend told me that the subject of me and my now ex-fiance was banned in her house as it just led to arguments, rows and fights between her and her fiance.
Sadly - more than a year on - this is still a problem. For the sake of her relationship she has had to stop being my friend. Her fiance hates me. He things I strung his brother along. I dont know what my ex has told him, whether he has lied, minimised his role in the problems or what. I thought my ex had moved on - Id heard hed been on a few dates. Apparently he hasnt moved on. He is still depressed. So his brother hates me. His brother sees my best friend spending any time with me as a betrayal.

The thought of not being close to my best friend anymore is breaking my heart. For a while she was family - in my heart she still is. She is more my ideal sister than my friend. She shares my humour, my love of random stationery, everything. I cant do without her.

Ive offered to speak to my ex. Ive offered to speak to her fiance. Im going to suggest we all get together and talk this crap through. Maybe then they can move on, and I can have my friend back.

As for the rest of the weeks plans - there doesnt seem much point to any of them anymore.

Im very greatful to ducko for his help getting me through last night. I love him.