Do you think it can be put to good use? Feeling this way? The cold swoop as all your internal organs seem to shrink and freeze. I doubt it can be... it would only produce self indulgeant twaddle like this. I hate the past. I hate some of the people in it. Id prefer it if they werent around to affect my present. These people taught me to hate hope. To despise it. Hope = pain. I dont want the past to wreck the present and future. Ah well. Goes to show that this shit still hurts. I think I came to the conclusion a long time ago that life = pain. So im still here - for a long time I wished I wasnt. Prayed for it, begged for it to end. Not for things Id done - but because of others. One of these I encountered again today - hence the present clenching of stomach, rising vitriol, the icy heat of hate - it burns warm and soothing - its pleasant to hate - but its shrouded in ice - I despise myself for wishing another harm - tho they would do the same for me without batting an eyelid. (even in my current clenched state that phrase amuses me) My hatred is cold and implacable - there is no excuse for them. One day I hope it wont matter. I hate that it matters now. It will fade again. It isnt ready to leave me yet. Its something that for now I will live with. I have people now im terrified that this post will hurt or worry. For that Im sorry. You have in turn kept me alive and helped me smile again - even now thru the tears of how much I love yas. Right - thats me exorcised a bit. So again. Dont worry - Ill be fine.
That she looks like an ugly drag queen doesnt even help that much - as remembering that makes me think of it all again - and thats not worth it - even for the split second of mirth it brings.
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2 comments:
... Well... I dunno... Things take time, and we've got plenty, I'm not going anywhere. Well, no, I'm going to the pub, but... hey, you know what mean.
I will worry, but only that you're a bit upset. Have some black treacle (you geet weirdo you) then a biscuit dipped in coffee.
Much love yo, xxx
Honey - I have no idea what this refers too, but know that it could refer to so much in my life. There is so much that I want to say, but really I just want to give you a hug. Please know that you can email me at any time.
"One day I hope it won't matter" ... it took me 22 years. Don't let your past ruin all that is beautiful about now.
Hugs and love x
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