Bad ideas

Why do I never listen to myself?

Why do I listen to myself?

Both are wrong.

I thought.. I should send a message to my friend. I should ask her to tell me not to do the stupid thing I was thinking of doing.

I should have done that.

She would have reminded me of what it took to get over it last time.

I should have listened to me on that.

Instead I listened to the other part of me. The overwhelming desire to be back there, to get back some of what I had.

Its impossible. Theres no point. But I wanted to SEE that there was no point. I wanted to SEE if I could handle it.

The very thought made my heart beat so fast I had to move. No sitting still like that.

I went to see if I still existed.

I dont.

I did my erasure well.

I was sorely tempted to be born again.

Just enough me to be recognisable to any old friends.

I didnt do this.

I chickened out.

I thought, Il dip my toe in.

Il see how I feel seeing that name.

I googled.

I shouldnt have.

Still exists.

Still hurts.

I feel sick.

At least now I know.

I cant handle it.

The wound that was, still is.

Its not even a pick attable scab.

It bleeds.

It weeps.

Iv just got to try and stop poking at it.