Mention I didnt like tuesdays?
Brushing teeth before job interview...
Filling in back of top front tooth comes loose.
(Im terrified of dentists)
This doesnt seem like a good omen.
Job location has dizzying combination of crazy carpeting and the kind of cross hatched ceiling tiles that make me fall over. and i mean litterally fall over. They have them in the crisp section at tescos in Duckoland. I have had to be rescued from falling there several times. Im now banned from looking up when there.
Interview doesnt last all that long. Im worried this is a bad sign.
They say they have been interviewing for this one post for two weeks.
My hopes have hit rock bottom.
I wander round carparks for 20 mins trying to find my dad.
Smart "please hire me" shoes make feet hurt.
Try and find soft sandwich in town that wont threaten tooth.
Have to pay £1.40 to go ONE STOP on the metro - its that or go in my tights or buy cheap shoes from primarni...
Get to feel all growed up in my smartness holding my starbucks and metro ticket in one hand, smart bag on shoulder, Dropkicks blaring me-ness back into me thru my ears.
Hobble to be nice to people for a few hours.
Realise form I should have handed in at interview is still in smartbag.
Hopes dig themselves a hole and fall into it.
Get home.
No dentist appointment til 4th march. Unless I can get an emergency one.
Cooks pancakes.
Thinks about further tidying room that is midway thru a tidy and thus a bombsite.
Decide against this.
Sits and pokes at tooth with tongue.
Misses the best friend.
Waits for Ducko to get home.
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
Thursday, 19 February 2009
From the wilds...
Yus Ive been out of town mostly this week. Decamped to the wilds of Ducko's territory.
We have the cat back. Cant remember if i mentioned the cat over xmas... but we had care of a cat then. We has it back now.
Iv become sadly addicted to Icanhascheezburger.com
I love it.
And in general Im NOT the kind of person to find pictures of cats funny or cute. These are. Plus they allow you to put your own captions on them, and I love doing that sort of crap.
Ive been painting the kitchen.
With Duckos help apart from this evening when he has been off improving himself and getting more letters to put after his name. One end wall is COPPER. Not everyone who lives here likes this much I think. We were supposed to go and buy red paint... Then I happened to spot the cans of metallic spray paint... It had to happen after that really. (and it looks great)
Now to find the correct colour to go with the copper. Ive been painting one wall NATURAL CALICO. Its great on that wall, on the other wall with the spotlights on it its far too primrosey and institutional looking. So while Duckos been off at uni Ive been up and down ladders painting. Amazing eh?
Me, unsupported up ladders!
With my dizzy this is something almost miraculous.
Everything great.
I clean brush and paint pad.
I take bin out.
I wash floor.
I has a bit of dizzy and falls into painted wall.
I am genius indeed.
For anyone following my recent friend disaster - theres still no communication. Believe me not txting the best friend immediately when I saw and got a photo of someone all alone, dressed as jesus, shopping at the late night supermarket was hard.
Ideas on a postcard - or in a comment - if you have any notion what I should do next.
Coz i just dont know.
If its a wait and see if it gets better thing... I cant see it working. The best friends fiance has got exactly what hes wanted all along. Her not to have contact with me. He must be beside himself. The fact that this makes things better for no-one, and worse for half of us is apparently irrelevant. Im stopping now before i get all angry again.
Dunno how this will work - but here is one of my captioned pictures...
Thursday, 12 February 2009
snow
snow
snow snow snow
tis snowing.
theres no food in the house.
So I must go out in the snow.
I was thinking the snow matched my mood. In some ways it does, in others not. Its cold. Im cold. My innards are cold. My outards are cold. My brain feels a bit numb. Im choosing to see this as a good thing. If its numb it wont hurt too much, yes there are the occasional thawings, dribbles of upsetting memories, images, feelings. But im trying to mop those up with the kitchen roll of STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT NOOOOOOOOW!!!
Its odd how the mind works. Mine doesnt always seem to like me. Most of the time it doesnt seem to like me. It seeks comfort in things that will ultimately end painfully. Imagining things differently to how they are only ends in the realisation that they will never end up that way. So I dont let myself. But my mind keeps trying. Stick with the pain you know and all that...
Sorry that this is all so depressing.
Tell you what.
Look out of your window.
Is it snowing there?
Is it pretty?
Does it recall good as well as bad memories?
Remember the good.
Tell the bad to fuck off for a while.
Have a hot drink.
Look at the snow.
And if you see me on the way to the shop to buy food - wave.
snow snow snow
tis snowing.
theres no food in the house.
So I must go out in the snow.
I was thinking the snow matched my mood. In some ways it does, in others not. Its cold. Im cold. My innards are cold. My outards are cold. My brain feels a bit numb. Im choosing to see this as a good thing. If its numb it wont hurt too much, yes there are the occasional thawings, dribbles of upsetting memories, images, feelings. But im trying to mop those up with the kitchen roll of STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT NOOOOOOOOW!!!
Its odd how the mind works. Mine doesnt always seem to like me. Most of the time it doesnt seem to like me. It seeks comfort in things that will ultimately end painfully. Imagining things differently to how they are only ends in the realisation that they will never end up that way. So I dont let myself. But my mind keeps trying. Stick with the pain you know and all that...
Sorry that this is all so depressing.
Tell you what.
Look out of your window.
Is it snowing there?
Is it pretty?
Does it recall good as well as bad memories?
Remember the good.
Tell the bad to fuck off for a while.
Have a hot drink.
Look at the snow.
And if you see me on the way to the shop to buy food - wave.
Monday, 9 February 2009
Nothing much
Nope.
Nothing much.
Nothing from the best-friend. Dont think I responded to the - meet up isnt going to happen- email. So the lack of contact is probably on me. In all honesty tho I didnt know what to say in response to that. I came on here. I vented. Now Im just cold and empty. Old crap that Id managed to squash away so it wasnt upsetting me on a minute by minute basis has sneaked out thru the new upset.
Tremendous fun.
Rejection letters arrive in the post. Im either overqualified, but without experience, or just without experience. Sorry - I lack experience. I was busy getting a Degree that was supposed to make getting a job easier.
Ducko worries about me. I dont want him to. Its not like I can do anything about this shit so why worry about it? I get told to be quiet - he will worry regardless. Silly monkey.
Speaking of silly monkeyness - we were so fully prepared for his book signing on sunday. SO prepared. Couldnt have been more prepared.
AKA
Couldnt have forgotten more everything if we had tried.
Spiffy Postcards with book info on - in a bag. Bag in house. Ducko's phone in house. My phone in house. No way to contact people in house. People we do manage to contact are unable to find bag in middle of living room with little in it aside from said post cards.
Bugger.
Book launch still went well. Even got a free starbucks.
Ducko outsold the other author.
Excellent.
Enough for now. Time for the joys of the jobcentre.
Hope you like the new music feature - hope it works more than anything actually...
Nothing much.
Nothing from the best-friend. Dont think I responded to the - meet up isnt going to happen- email. So the lack of contact is probably on me. In all honesty tho I didnt know what to say in response to that. I came on here. I vented. Now Im just cold and empty. Old crap that Id managed to squash away so it wasnt upsetting me on a minute by minute basis has sneaked out thru the new upset.
Tremendous fun.
Rejection letters arrive in the post. Im either overqualified, but without experience, or just without experience. Sorry - I lack experience. I was busy getting a Degree that was supposed to make getting a job easier.
Ducko worries about me. I dont want him to. Its not like I can do anything about this shit so why worry about it? I get told to be quiet - he will worry regardless. Silly monkey.
Speaking of silly monkeyness - we were so fully prepared for his book signing on sunday. SO prepared. Couldnt have been more prepared.
AKA
Couldnt have forgotten more everything if we had tried.
Spiffy Postcards with book info on - in a bag. Bag in house. Ducko's phone in house. My phone in house. No way to contact people in house. People we do manage to contact are unable to find bag in middle of living room with little in it aside from said post cards.
Bugger.
Book launch still went well. Even got a free starbucks.
Ducko outsold the other author.
Excellent.
Enough for now. Time for the joys of the jobcentre.
Hope you like the new music feature - hope it works more than anything actually...
Thursday, 5 February 2009
Welcome to limbo
Ok.
I may have to change the name of this blog to 'whinging about my life'
After a blunt question to the best friend about the suggested meet up - got the reply
Its a No Go.
I am out of ideas. Not true - I am out of ideas that wont potentially make the situation a lot worse.
I could write letters to those involved - but I doubt they would be read.
I could force the issue by going round there. I doubt the door would be answered - even if it was I suspect it would be slammed quickly.
I could go see the ex - this could have numerous bad outcomes.
I could do nothing. This helps noone. If the best-friends fiance still hates me after over a year - I dont see that doing nothing will make any difference.
I feel for my friend. I really do. She has been in a horrible situation. But Im getting angry now.
I cant help but think that the refusal to even meet and talk about this shows a spectaular level of immaturity and admission of being in the wrong - knowing it - and not wanting to see it.
Fucksake.
About this time last year I lost a lot of friends. The best friend was my only remaining longterm friend in the area. Its not that I dont have others - Im so greatful to the ones I have - Some of you I know read this and you kept me here when I didnt want to be. The best friend is special. I cant be without her and dont see things changing - but Im terrified of making things worse.
Welcome to limbo.
The rest of this week has been pretty shit.
Fun huh?
I may have to change the name of this blog to 'whinging about my life'
After a blunt question to the best friend about the suggested meet up - got the reply
Its a No Go.
I am out of ideas. Not true - I am out of ideas that wont potentially make the situation a lot worse.
I could write letters to those involved - but I doubt they would be read.
I could force the issue by going round there. I doubt the door would be answered - even if it was I suspect it would be slammed quickly.
I could go see the ex - this could have numerous bad outcomes.
I could do nothing. This helps noone. If the best-friends fiance still hates me after over a year - I dont see that doing nothing will make any difference.
I feel for my friend. I really do. She has been in a horrible situation. But Im getting angry now.
I cant help but think that the refusal to even meet and talk about this shows a spectaular level of immaturity and admission of being in the wrong - knowing it - and not wanting to see it.
Fucksake.
About this time last year I lost a lot of friends. The best friend was my only remaining longterm friend in the area. Its not that I dont have others - Im so greatful to the ones I have - Some of you I know read this and you kept me here when I didnt want to be. The best friend is special. I cant be without her and dont see things changing - but Im terrified of making things worse.
Welcome to limbo.
The rest of this week has been pretty shit.
Fun huh?
Tuesday, 3 February 2009
Tuesday again...
Yup, its tuesday again.
One week on from the bombshell.
No positive news yet Im sad to say.
Ive suggested meeting up to talk but this has been neatly sidestepped everytime. Il mention it again. This isnt something I can give up on.
Anyway...
Yes last week was busy. Friday was driving from one end of the country to the other for my Cousins wedding. This isnt good for a dizzy person such as myself. Didnt help that I had a stinking cold. (Which is hopefully on its way out today)
Ducko picked me up at about 2pm.
Halfway up the road we realise the directions are back in the house.
Just heading out of town - bad traffic - about 2.45 I realise I have forgotten my black shrug jacket - essential to my outfit as it hides the tattoos from unsuspecting parents. Decide that theres no point going back for it - will find something in a shop before the wedding.
Just past Leeds - approx 2 hours into the journey - realise Ive forgotten the wedding present. Decide that this will be taken as typical of me, and will pass it on at the soonest possible time.
Traffic Jams
Accidents
Bad coffee at rest stops
Expensive crappy food at rest stops
Stinky toilets at rest stops - at this point I'm blessing my snotty nose.
Phonecalls from parents - where are you? Are you nearly here yet? No we dont know where that is. Ah well you will get here eventually. Watch out for the long horned cattle. We will leave the lights on for you.
Cornwall is FAR. Its probably very beautiful. We mostly saw it in the dark.
The directions to the place are my kind of directions. After you have come off the motorway - count over 6 cattle grids, and look out for the house lights. Mind the turn is very sharp. - none of my directions to anywhere contain road names or numbers. Mostly its.. you know that pub? Its near there, turn left at the funny looking wall with the spikey tree by it.
We arrive. Its pitch black. Im dizzy as hell and have been posessed by the bubbly snot monster. My cousin waves us in aeroplane style with a torch. The room is beautiful - the whole complex is an old converted abbey and farm buildings. There is underfloor heating. (We cant work the underfloor heating) Im alternating between falling over, sneezing, being boiling and freezing. The ensuite is superheated to volcanic proportions by the unswitchoffable heated towel rail.
Saturday - Ducko and I giggle at the amusing sign on the toaster telling you it is an attended appliance, which shouldnt be left unattended. We stop giggling as we realise this means our breakfast is very burned as the toaster doesnt automatically pop up. I had no idea they even made such things anymore. A not self popping toaster? WHY??? We giggle again as the burned bits are still tasty and random members of my family are doing odd dances outside the window to amuse us. Lordy knows what the bride's family thought she was marrying into.
We decide to try a local town to get something to hide my tattoos. There is one shop. It has a black shrug in its clearance sale. It is COVERED in large round sequins. Ah well... I can cut those off... it wont take that long. I get grumpy in queues at the best of times. With time short before the wedding, dizziness and a killer headcold - this was not the best of times. Poor Ducko tried to console me and reassure other customers while I muttered with increasing ferocity about my desire to end people who waste time in shops by taking items to the counter - then saying there is a problem... then sending their offspring to find alternative items, rejecting these... searching for others... all while a queue builds up behind them so long that people are joining it incase theres a celebrity signing at the front of it.
we make it out of the shop. Ducko drives while I start cutting off the sequins in a horribly dangerous sharp bladed scissors in a moving vehicle type way. Duckos car is covered in sequins. Our room at the farmhouse is covered in sequins. We cut the last ones off as people are shouting the Bride is nearly ready. We rush.
It was a beautiful wedding. Not standing on ceremony - just perfect for a joining of families. Giggles aplenty, tears from some, cake for all.
Well hopefully cake for all, we had to leave before the cake was cut that evening. Duckos first book signing scheduled for 12pm on the sunday. Back up north.
On the positive side - hes enjoying listening to my beloved Stephen Fry reading Harry Potter.
Id write more, but this is becoming another epic.
One week on from the bombshell.
No positive news yet Im sad to say.
Ive suggested meeting up to talk but this has been neatly sidestepped everytime. Il mention it again. This isnt something I can give up on.
Anyway...
Yes last week was busy. Friday was driving from one end of the country to the other for my Cousins wedding. This isnt good for a dizzy person such as myself. Didnt help that I had a stinking cold. (Which is hopefully on its way out today)
Ducko picked me up at about 2pm.
Halfway up the road we realise the directions are back in the house.
Just heading out of town - bad traffic - about 2.45 I realise I have forgotten my black shrug jacket - essential to my outfit as it hides the tattoos from unsuspecting parents. Decide that theres no point going back for it - will find something in a shop before the wedding.
Just past Leeds - approx 2 hours into the journey - realise Ive forgotten the wedding present. Decide that this will be taken as typical of me, and will pass it on at the soonest possible time.
Traffic Jams
Accidents
Bad coffee at rest stops
Expensive crappy food at rest stops
Stinky toilets at rest stops - at this point I'm blessing my snotty nose.
Phonecalls from parents - where are you? Are you nearly here yet? No we dont know where that is. Ah well you will get here eventually. Watch out for the long horned cattle. We will leave the lights on for you.
Cornwall is FAR. Its probably very beautiful. We mostly saw it in the dark.
The directions to the place are my kind of directions. After you have come off the motorway - count over 6 cattle grids, and look out for the house lights. Mind the turn is very sharp. - none of my directions to anywhere contain road names or numbers. Mostly its.. you know that pub? Its near there, turn left at the funny looking wall with the spikey tree by it.
We arrive. Its pitch black. Im dizzy as hell and have been posessed by the bubbly snot monster. My cousin waves us in aeroplane style with a torch. The room is beautiful - the whole complex is an old converted abbey and farm buildings. There is underfloor heating. (We cant work the underfloor heating) Im alternating between falling over, sneezing, being boiling and freezing. The ensuite is superheated to volcanic proportions by the unswitchoffable heated towel rail.
Saturday - Ducko and I giggle at the amusing sign on the toaster telling you it is an attended appliance, which shouldnt be left unattended. We stop giggling as we realise this means our breakfast is very burned as the toaster doesnt automatically pop up. I had no idea they even made such things anymore. A not self popping toaster? WHY??? We giggle again as the burned bits are still tasty and random members of my family are doing odd dances outside the window to amuse us. Lordy knows what the bride's family thought she was marrying into.
We decide to try a local town to get something to hide my tattoos. There is one shop. It has a black shrug in its clearance sale. It is COVERED in large round sequins. Ah well... I can cut those off... it wont take that long. I get grumpy in queues at the best of times. With time short before the wedding, dizziness and a killer headcold - this was not the best of times. Poor Ducko tried to console me and reassure other customers while I muttered with increasing ferocity about my desire to end people who waste time in shops by taking items to the counter - then saying there is a problem... then sending their offspring to find alternative items, rejecting these... searching for others... all while a queue builds up behind them so long that people are joining it incase theres a celebrity signing at the front of it.
we make it out of the shop. Ducko drives while I start cutting off the sequins in a horribly dangerous sharp bladed scissors in a moving vehicle type way. Duckos car is covered in sequins. Our room at the farmhouse is covered in sequins. We cut the last ones off as people are shouting the Bride is nearly ready. We rush.
It was a beautiful wedding. Not standing on ceremony - just perfect for a joining of families. Giggles aplenty, tears from some, cake for all.
Well hopefully cake for all, we had to leave before the cake was cut that evening. Duckos first book signing scheduled for 12pm on the sunday. Back up north.
On the positive side - hes enjoying listening to my beloved Stephen Fry reading Harry Potter.
Id write more, but this is becoming another epic.
Wednesday, 28 January 2009
Bad tuesday
Yes. I know its wednesday now.
Last night wasnt really a blogging time.
This week was going to be busy -
Monday - Jobcentre
Tuesday - Coffee with my best friend then a shift at Samaritans
Wednesday - Haircut and possible attendance of a Lesbian Wedding
Thursday - Ducko's book launch
Friday - Drive to the other end of the country for Cousins Wedding.
Monday - fine - jobcentre depressing as ever
Tuesday - Coffee with best friend - Suddenly best friend is crying and saying that she cant be friends anymore. - I hope you are sitting comfortably - this could be a bit of a long story.
My best friend has been my best friend for 15 years+. She has been engaged for a long time. Her fiance has a brother. This brother became my fiance. We were together for 5 years. Over time I came to realise that anything I enjoyed he would start, and take over - making it his more than it was mine. Petty little things.
People may think - Hey - its nice that he takes an interest. Its nice for couples to do things together.
Sure - thats true - it IS nice to do things together. But to have your identity and anything that is yours absorbed and subsumed by another is soul destroying over time.
One time I stood up for myself. One time. - now this taps into other stuff im still upset about so I cant detail too much -
Second Life. I found it - I made friends and found a second home - if you havent experienced this - you may have trouble understanding just how real it can be - the friendships and actions on there are as real as any ever - there I could be myself.
The fiance joined. The fiance moved into the area where I played. There I had a role, a function. It was mine. He began to encroach - just as he had with everything else. This may well have been the first time I even noticed this.
I asked him one night not to spend all his time there. Not that I didnt want him there. That I had stuff going on there and I couldnt be with him all the time. JUST not to spend ALL his time there. Pointing out the myriad of other areas he could get interested and involved in.
Something snapped.
I had wounded him.
I had broken his heart.
I was just like the last girl who had crushed him.
He didnt speak to me for a week.
I apologised. I pleaded. I begged.
I wasnt forgiven.
This continued for months.
Every time I spoke to him I would apologise for this apparently horrendous thing Id done.
I wasnt forgiven.
I came to realise that I hadnt actually done anything that horrible at all. I asked for some time, some space, something for me without his constant presence.
I got angry.
I said enough.
Im done apologising for this.
This didnt go down well.
Stuff happened - he said he realised he had been acting childishly. This didnt stop him joking when he had tests on his heart, that he now had a physically broken heart to go with the emotional one.
6 months of this. We didnt talk. I cleaned the flat. I cooked for him. He would eat and go sleep in another room.
Whatever I felt for him died.
Being treated like a pariah killed it.
There was nothing left.
I no longer saw him as someone I wanted to walk down an aisle to. I didnt want to have kids with a man who would sulk and treat me like that.
It was very over.
I didnt want it to happen - it was difficult as hell.
Things kicked off on my birthday - Id been talking with my friends for some time about how difficult things were. We all went out for a meal. Things were tense. During a drink afterward he threw money at me and told me to get a taxi home before storming off. I called him several times and said that we needed to talk about how things were.
Next day we talked. He apologised for how he had been behaving. It just didnt matter anymore. It was too late. I said I needed time and space to think about things and try to work things out. He argued that I had had nothing but time and space since august. I wouldnt call not seeing each other because he wouldnt forgive me, the time and space I needed.
Two weeks went by. I didnt know what to do. I couldnt stay with him because it was what he wanted. I couldnt stay with him because I was terrified there would never be anyone else. I couldnt stay with someone I no longer loved and make us both miserable.
I talked to my best friend. She was amazing. I knew how hard this would be for her - my fiance being her fiances brother she was in a horrible position. She saw how unhappy I was - and that things just werent working. She told me that he was expecting the worst and had moved all of my stuff into the spare room.
I tried to arrange a time to go round and talk to him - he avoided it. I ended it.
I arranged to go around the next day to pick up my stuff. He wasnt supposed to be there. He had put all of my stuff on the armchair in the spare room in a sick parody of how we presented our christmas gifts. His engagement ring in the presentation box, open, facing the door on the top of the pile of everything Id ever bought or made for him.
Despite saying he wouldnt be there - he was in the back room. I left quickly. I havent seen him since.
He demanded my engagement ring back. We had paid 50/50 each on each of our rings - and I had left his there - still in its fucking presentation box where he had placed it as far as I can tell, to hurt me as much as possible.
His brother sent me messages at night saying the least I could do was give him the ring back after what Id done. I didnt dignify this with a response. We had each paid half. We each had a ring. I know him - he wanted a dramatic moment throwing the ring off the Tyne bridge or somesuch thing.
Tough.
This wasnt easy - this was the end of 5 years - something I had thought would last forever. I wasnt fucking happy.
After a while my best friend told me that the subject of me and my now ex-fiance was banned in her house as it just led to arguments, rows and fights between her and her fiance.
Sadly - more than a year on - this is still a problem. For the sake of her relationship she has had to stop being my friend. Her fiance hates me. He things I strung his brother along. I dont know what my ex has told him, whether he has lied, minimised his role in the problems or what. I thought my ex had moved on - Id heard hed been on a few dates. Apparently he hasnt moved on. He is still depressed. So his brother hates me. His brother sees my best friend spending any time with me as a betrayal.
The thought of not being close to my best friend anymore is breaking my heart. For a while she was family - in my heart she still is. She is more my ideal sister than my friend. She shares my humour, my love of random stationery, everything. I cant do without her.
Ive offered to speak to my ex. Ive offered to speak to her fiance. Im going to suggest we all get together and talk this crap through. Maybe then they can move on, and I can have my friend back.
As for the rest of the weeks plans - there doesnt seem much point to any of them anymore.
Im very greatful to ducko for his help getting me through last night. I love him.
Last night wasnt really a blogging time.
This week was going to be busy -
Monday - Jobcentre
Tuesday - Coffee with my best friend then a shift at Samaritans
Wednesday - Haircut and possible attendance of a Lesbian Wedding
Thursday - Ducko's book launch
Friday - Drive to the other end of the country for Cousins Wedding.
Monday - fine - jobcentre depressing as ever
Tuesday - Coffee with best friend - Suddenly best friend is crying and saying that she cant be friends anymore. - I hope you are sitting comfortably - this could be a bit of a long story.
My best friend has been my best friend for 15 years+. She has been engaged for a long time. Her fiance has a brother. This brother became my fiance. We were together for 5 years. Over time I came to realise that anything I enjoyed he would start, and take over - making it his more than it was mine. Petty little things.
People may think - Hey - its nice that he takes an interest. Its nice for couples to do things together.
Sure - thats true - it IS nice to do things together. But to have your identity and anything that is yours absorbed and subsumed by another is soul destroying over time.
One time I stood up for myself. One time. - now this taps into other stuff im still upset about so I cant detail too much -
Second Life. I found it - I made friends and found a second home - if you havent experienced this - you may have trouble understanding just how real it can be - the friendships and actions on there are as real as any ever - there I could be myself.
The fiance joined. The fiance moved into the area where I played. There I had a role, a function. It was mine. He began to encroach - just as he had with everything else. This may well have been the first time I even noticed this.
I asked him one night not to spend all his time there. Not that I didnt want him there. That I had stuff going on there and I couldnt be with him all the time. JUST not to spend ALL his time there. Pointing out the myriad of other areas he could get interested and involved in.
Something snapped.
I had wounded him.
I had broken his heart.
I was just like the last girl who had crushed him.
He didnt speak to me for a week.
I apologised. I pleaded. I begged.
I wasnt forgiven.
This continued for months.
Every time I spoke to him I would apologise for this apparently horrendous thing Id done.
I wasnt forgiven.
I came to realise that I hadnt actually done anything that horrible at all. I asked for some time, some space, something for me without his constant presence.
I got angry.
I said enough.
Im done apologising for this.
This didnt go down well.
Stuff happened - he said he realised he had been acting childishly. This didnt stop him joking when he had tests on his heart, that he now had a physically broken heart to go with the emotional one.
6 months of this. We didnt talk. I cleaned the flat. I cooked for him. He would eat and go sleep in another room.
Whatever I felt for him died.
Being treated like a pariah killed it.
There was nothing left.
I no longer saw him as someone I wanted to walk down an aisle to. I didnt want to have kids with a man who would sulk and treat me like that.
It was very over.
I didnt want it to happen - it was difficult as hell.
Things kicked off on my birthday - Id been talking with my friends for some time about how difficult things were. We all went out for a meal. Things were tense. During a drink afterward he threw money at me and told me to get a taxi home before storming off. I called him several times and said that we needed to talk about how things were.
Next day we talked. He apologised for how he had been behaving. It just didnt matter anymore. It was too late. I said I needed time and space to think about things and try to work things out. He argued that I had had nothing but time and space since august. I wouldnt call not seeing each other because he wouldnt forgive me, the time and space I needed.
Two weeks went by. I didnt know what to do. I couldnt stay with him because it was what he wanted. I couldnt stay with him because I was terrified there would never be anyone else. I couldnt stay with someone I no longer loved and make us both miserable.
I talked to my best friend. She was amazing. I knew how hard this would be for her - my fiance being her fiances brother she was in a horrible position. She saw how unhappy I was - and that things just werent working. She told me that he was expecting the worst and had moved all of my stuff into the spare room.
I tried to arrange a time to go round and talk to him - he avoided it. I ended it.
I arranged to go around the next day to pick up my stuff. He wasnt supposed to be there. He had put all of my stuff on the armchair in the spare room in a sick parody of how we presented our christmas gifts. His engagement ring in the presentation box, open, facing the door on the top of the pile of everything Id ever bought or made for him.
Despite saying he wouldnt be there - he was in the back room. I left quickly. I havent seen him since.
He demanded my engagement ring back. We had paid 50/50 each on each of our rings - and I had left his there - still in its fucking presentation box where he had placed it as far as I can tell, to hurt me as much as possible.
His brother sent me messages at night saying the least I could do was give him the ring back after what Id done. I didnt dignify this with a response. We had each paid half. We each had a ring. I know him - he wanted a dramatic moment throwing the ring off the Tyne bridge or somesuch thing.
Tough.
This wasnt easy - this was the end of 5 years - something I had thought would last forever. I wasnt fucking happy.
After a while my best friend told me that the subject of me and my now ex-fiance was banned in her house as it just led to arguments, rows and fights between her and her fiance.
Sadly - more than a year on - this is still a problem. For the sake of her relationship she has had to stop being my friend. Her fiance hates me. He things I strung his brother along. I dont know what my ex has told him, whether he has lied, minimised his role in the problems or what. I thought my ex had moved on - Id heard hed been on a few dates. Apparently he hasnt moved on. He is still depressed. So his brother hates me. His brother sees my best friend spending any time with me as a betrayal.
The thought of not being close to my best friend anymore is breaking my heart. For a while she was family - in my heart she still is. She is more my ideal sister than my friend. She shares my humour, my love of random stationery, everything. I cant do without her.
Ive offered to speak to my ex. Ive offered to speak to her fiance. Im going to suggest we all get together and talk this crap through. Maybe then they can move on, and I can have my friend back.
As for the rest of the weeks plans - there doesnt seem much point to any of them anymore.
Im very greatful to ducko for his help getting me through last night. I love him.
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