50th post

I wish it was happier.

I looked at things I shouldnt have.

Now I feel sick, cold and tired.

Iv had enough of this.

Enough.

I want to move on.

Its past fucking time.

...

Im still here.

Im still there.

Very little contact with anyone... Im being cautious.

Messages to old friends come with the proviso of If you tell, Im gone.

This still hurts.

This still makes me a bit sick.

Im Vylna again. 

I always have been.

I just dont know if I can be.

well i did say id keep you posted...

so here you are...

posted with an actual post.

*wonders if a blog has ever been done with postit notes*
*thinks then it wouldnt really be a blog...*
*stops evading and gets back to the point*

ok, so one of the main reasons i went back was to try and contact a friend from back then (told you it would be something to do with trying to reestablish some friendships). Her email no longer gets answered, but her husband eventually replied to his, they split months ago. no contact. hes had to move out of state. he doesnt know what email if any she is using now.
So i was trying to find a way to get in contact and see if she is ok.
One person I know she was friends with - is now partnered online to her now ex husband. Dunno if im gonna get anywhere there. - sorry if this all seems too complex.

I lost all my inventory - so had to start again

i dont look like me. I knew one shop well enough to get an item of ME clothing, but my shape and skin arent me. I cant have people i knew seeing me like that - hello vanity!

I mentioned i thought seeing the places i used to be happy might help me move on.

I realize now that cant happen.

Cant face going there

not entirely sure i need to. it may make things a helluva lot worse without making anything any better.

I also couldnt stop myself taking a fleeting look at one profile. The one who broke me is still where he left me for. He can do what he likes now. However fucked up it is.

I cant be on there. I cant be different from how I was, because I was my ideal. But I cant get that back. I cant deal with the chance of running into him. Im not expecting much sleep tonight. The split second glance I had of his picture is gonna be haunting me for a while.

This is my place to say whats going on. I dont mean it to hurt anyone. If it does im very sorry.

A little bit...

Ok...

Am a little tense.


Am a little nervous...


Am lying through my teeth.


Am fkn terrified.


When you dont listen to yourself, you only have yourself to blame for what happens. Perversely, the same is true when you do listen. As I was wittering on about last time.

I havent been able to stop picking.

In fact Ive been poking more great big bloody holes.

Theres a horrible twisted excitement and terror.

Ive recreated. Ive reactivated. Im reborn. I exist again.

I havent tested it out.

Im not there yet.

I know Im probably going there looking for friends after losing others.

I know its probably a bad idea.

If I see the one who broke me...

Im assuming I will shatter again.

But theres the little red box with the X in it.

Im quietly hoping this will help me move on.

As always im hugely greatful to the friends and loved ones I do have.

I dont know yet if or when Il go on. For now I think I just have to get used to the feeling of possibility. Tho if it keeps making me feel sick I might just get rid of it all again. Or keep it till I can comfortably wear my jeans again...


Il keep you posted.

Bad ideas

Why do I never listen to myself?

Why do I listen to myself?

Both are wrong.

I thought.. I should send a message to my friend. I should ask her to tell me not to do the stupid thing I was thinking of doing.

I should have done that.

She would have reminded me of what it took to get over it last time.

I should have listened to me on that.

Instead I listened to the other part of me. The overwhelming desire to be back there, to get back some of what I had.

Its impossible. Theres no point. But I wanted to SEE that there was no point. I wanted to SEE if I could handle it.

The very thought made my heart beat so fast I had to move. No sitting still like that.

I went to see if I still existed.

I dont.

I did my erasure well.

I was sorely tempted to be born again.

Just enough me to be recognisable to any old friends.

I didnt do this.

I chickened out.

I thought, Il dip my toe in.

Il see how I feel seeing that name.

I googled.

I shouldnt have.

Still exists.

Still hurts.

I feel sick.

At least now I know.

I cant handle it.

The wound that was, still is.

Its not even a pick attable scab.

It bleeds.

It weeps.

Iv just got to try and stop poking at it.

Wonders what day it is...

Was just decided it was tuesday. Before the wedensdayness of it all waved hello.

Ive been poking at the best friend thing again.

Realised it had been a number of weeks since the last brief email contact, so responded making clear my by now grim conclusion views. Things wont ever improve if they are left the way they are. Sadly I dont seem to have much of a say in the way things are. As far as Im concerned, going along with someone saying the car down the road is evil doesnt do them any good in the long run.

I may have to give up and move on. Choices that arent mine have been made, which affect my life directly. But poking at it isnt having any positive effects. Its probably making me more miserable.

Seems like Ive lost my best friend.

Shes hopeful things may change in the future. I wish I could say it wouldnt matter. If I were more... adamant. Thats probably safer. Get less hurt that way maybe? Worth living like that? Not sure.

At the moment the best case scenario is, someday things will change and Il be allowed to associate with my best friend again, until the next problem when Im disposable again.

Someday I hope the best friends fiance gets over himself and his own problems and stops blaming how he feels on others. Then maybe they can have a happy life.
At the moment Im too tired of it all - not too tired to care - just too tired of it.

Its been a while...

Stained song.. love it. Has memories attatched... am trying to overlook.
moving on...

Yes anyway it seems like its been AGES. It probably hasnt. You may well be sick of me.
mwuuhahaha TOUGH.

Its not like life has been hectic. It was supposed to have been hectic these past days. I managed to find an alternate route. (I would have preferred the hectic)

I have been ill.

Saturday saw me dressed up all smart like for a stage of a job interview. Butterflies I assumed. They didnt go away. They put cloggs on. Then hobnail boots and started kicking the...
(ill leave the rest to you...)

Nobody likes being ill. Im verging, no im not verging, Im smack dab in the middle of being phobic about it. Hopefully I am getting better at dealing with it though, it seems as though I am.
I didnt run home to me mam. Some bravery there, some common sense... its quite a drive from Duckos to my place...
Ducko. bless him. I did warn him im not nice when im ill. (doubt he realises how much nicer i was this time around than i usually get) He was lovely. He rubbed my back. He brought me the kittehkat to cheer me up.

Anyhoo... I assumed I wouldnt be getting the phonecall on monday to say I progressed to the next stage. Not coz i was ill during the first stage - that came later - but coz i thoroughly messed up one of the tests, remembering entirely the wrong things and thus not getting any of the questions right. How wrong I was! Not about getting a whole lot wrong - i KNOW i did that, but I got the call.

FABULOUS

then...

PANIC

now I have to be thoroughly well by wednesday, and I have to rearrange and get cover for my time at Sams. this may not seem bad but because of this ill iv already had to rearrange 2 other things both of which are virtually impossible to do.

Now its tuesday night. I have a 7 hour interviewwy thing tomorrow. with the dizzies and not quite 100% wellness to contend with.

Oh.. and they need a copy of and to see the original of my degree certificate. Which has managed to disappear. ho hum...

Keep fingers and toes crossed for me?