Yes. I know its wednesday now.
Last night wasnt really a blogging time.
This week was going to be busy -
Monday - Jobcentre
Tuesday - Coffee with my best friend then a shift at Samaritans
Wednesday - Haircut and possible attendance of a Lesbian Wedding
Thursday - Ducko's book launch
Friday - Drive to the other end of the country for Cousins Wedding.
Monday - fine - jobcentre depressing as ever
Tuesday - Coffee with best friend - Suddenly best friend is crying and saying that she cant be friends anymore. - I hope you are sitting comfortably - this could be a bit of a long story.
My best friend has been my best friend for 15 years+. She has been engaged for a long time. Her fiance has a brother. This brother became my fiance. We were together for 5 years. Over time I came to realise that anything I enjoyed he would start, and take over - making it his more than it was mine. Petty little things.
People may think - Hey - its nice that he takes an interest. Its nice for couples to do things together.
Sure - thats true - it IS nice to do things together. But to have your identity and anything that is yours absorbed and subsumed by another is soul destroying over time.
One time I stood up for myself. One time. - now this taps into other stuff im still upset about so I cant detail too much -
Second Life. I found it - I made friends and found a second home - if you havent experienced this - you may have trouble understanding just how real it can be - the friendships and actions on there are as real as any ever - there I could be myself.
The fiance joined. The fiance moved into the area where I played. There I had a role, a function. It was mine. He began to encroach - just as he had with everything else. This may well have been the first time I even noticed this.
I asked him one night not to spend all his time there. Not that I didnt want him there. That I had stuff going on there and I couldnt be with him all the time. JUST not to spend ALL his time there. Pointing out the myriad of other areas he could get interested and involved in.
Something snapped.
I had wounded him.
I had broken his heart.
I was just like the last girl who had crushed him.
He didnt speak to me for a week.
I apologised. I pleaded. I begged.
I wasnt forgiven.
This continued for months.
Every time I spoke to him I would apologise for this apparently horrendous thing Id done.
I wasnt forgiven.
I came to realise that I hadnt actually done anything that horrible at all. I asked for some time, some space, something for me without his constant presence.
I got angry.
I said enough.
Im done apologising for this.
This didnt go down well.
Stuff happened - he said he realised he had been acting childishly. This didnt stop him joking when he had tests on his heart, that he now had a physically broken heart to go with the emotional one.
6 months of this. We didnt talk. I cleaned the flat. I cooked for him. He would eat and go sleep in another room.
Whatever I felt for him died.
Being treated like a pariah killed it.
There was nothing left.
I no longer saw him as someone I wanted to walk down an aisle to. I didnt want to have kids with a man who would sulk and treat me like that.
It was very over.
I didnt want it to happen - it was difficult as hell.
Things kicked off on my birthday - Id been talking with my friends for some time about how difficult things were. We all went out for a meal. Things were tense. During a drink afterward he threw money at me and told me to get a taxi home before storming off. I called him several times and said that we needed to talk about how things were.
Next day we talked. He apologised for how he had been behaving. It just didnt matter anymore. It was too late. I said I needed time and space to think about things and try to work things out. He argued that I had had nothing but time and space since august. I wouldnt call not seeing each other because he wouldnt forgive me, the time and space I needed.
Two weeks went by. I didnt know what to do. I couldnt stay with him because it was what he wanted. I couldnt stay with him because I was terrified there would never be anyone else. I couldnt stay with someone I no longer loved and make us both miserable.
I talked to my best friend. She was amazing. I knew how hard this would be for her - my fiance being her fiances brother she was in a horrible position. She saw how unhappy I was - and that things just werent working. She told me that he was expecting the worst and had moved all of my stuff into the spare room.
I tried to arrange a time to go round and talk to him - he avoided it. I ended it.
I arranged to go around the next day to pick up my stuff. He wasnt supposed to be there. He had put all of my stuff on the armchair in the spare room in a sick parody of how we presented our christmas gifts. His engagement ring in the presentation box, open, facing the door on the top of the pile of everything Id ever bought or made for him.
Despite saying he wouldnt be there - he was in the back room. I left quickly. I havent seen him since.
He demanded my engagement ring back. We had paid 50/50 each on each of our rings - and I had left his there - still in its fucking presentation box where he had placed it as far as I can tell, to hurt me as much as possible.
His brother sent me messages at night saying the least I could do was give him the ring back after what Id done. I didnt dignify this with a response. We had each paid half. We each had a ring. I know him - he wanted a dramatic moment throwing the ring off the Tyne bridge or somesuch thing.
Tough.
This wasnt easy - this was the end of 5 years - something I had thought would last forever. I wasnt fucking happy.
After a while my best friend told me that the subject of me and my now ex-fiance was banned in her house as it just led to arguments, rows and fights between her and her fiance.
Sadly - more than a year on - this is still a problem. For the sake of her relationship she has had to stop being my friend. Her fiance hates me. He things I strung his brother along. I dont know what my ex has told him, whether he has lied, minimised his role in the problems or what. I thought my ex had moved on - Id heard hed been on a few dates. Apparently he hasnt moved on. He is still depressed. So his brother hates me. His brother sees my best friend spending any time with me as a betrayal.
The thought of not being close to my best friend anymore is breaking my heart. For a while she was family - in my heart she still is. She is more my ideal sister than my friend. She shares my humour, my love of random stationery, everything. I cant do without her.
Ive offered to speak to my ex. Ive offered to speak to her fiance. Im going to suggest we all get together and talk this crap through. Maybe then they can move on, and I can have my friend back.
As for the rest of the weeks plans - there doesnt seem much point to any of them anymore.
Im very greatful to ducko for his help getting me through last night. I love him.
Wednesday, 28 January 2009
Thursday, 22 January 2009
one week on...
well its been an interesting one. maybe not interesting. not even eventful when viewed from the outside. hmm... maybe i should start again.
stuff that has occurred.
My hair has been dyed, once again I am PURPLE . Except for the underneathy bit at the back - which is still BLONDE and was to remain so until I had the time to do it PINK . PINK and PURPLE should be a nice combo - one I had a few years back, before I thought fuckitnowsthetime and went all PINK . This is now on hold for a number of reasons - mainly parental. I thought that the underside being PINK wouldnt be too much for the prosepective employers who arent beating a path to my door, even to tell me they havent hired me this time. Parents disagree.
Now, normally, this would not stop me. I may have slowed down... perhaps briefly paused... but then woulda done it anyway - coz im nice like that.
HOWEVER
My mam spotted one of my new tattoos.
This is not a good thing. Shes not gonna mention it to my dad apparently... at least until i do something else 'horrendous' and she grasses me up like last time. She even begged me not to get any more. I thought it prudent not to mention the other 6 she hadnt seen...
They are already unhappy about the hair. They LOVED the BLONDE . It was NORMAL (aka i hated it) So even tho its regular hairdye from the chemists - one that normal people use - it still looks 'AWFUL' and warrents such vitriol as 'What have you done that to yourself for?'
So.. I tidied my room - well - the floor and ComfyChair TM anyway. So if Mam does decide to blab - I can say "Yes - tho your sweet little girl now looks like hellspawn and common as muck and unemployable - her room is TIDY!!!" this will not last - tho i am planning a major clear out - that will have to wait till I can stand without falling over.
Ducko's book is out - published and everything. Ive been having fun arranging prizes for the launch and various bookmarks and specially designed raffle tickets. fun fun fun. I love crap like that.
I have this week had to revisit painful memories - not something im going to go into too much detail about - but the hurt they still cause suprised everyone involved. That said - moving on is the goal now - and however unhealthy it is Im packing all that crap away and putting a large weight ontop of it. Ive tried thinking stuff thru and dealing with it that way - it doesnt work for me. not yet.
On a cheerier note I HAVE NEW SHOES!!! Third attempt at shoes for my cousins wedding. The are too big (website reccomended buying a size up as they tend to run small - and hey my actual size werent in the sale anyway) I will percy veer as they rule. Next week I may be writing about a trip to A+E and the fun of having broken ankles fixed - but till then heres a picture for you to salivate over.
Nope. denied. Il post one later when their website isnt down. but trust me... they are PRETTY.
stuff that has occurred.
My hair has been dyed, once again I am PURPLE . Except for the underneathy bit at the back - which is still BLONDE and was to remain so until I had the time to do it PINK . PINK and PURPLE should be a nice combo - one I had a few years back, before I thought fuckitnowsthetime and went all PINK . This is now on hold for a number of reasons - mainly parental. I thought that the underside being PINK wouldnt be too much for the prosepective employers who arent beating a path to my door, even to tell me they havent hired me this time. Parents disagree.
Now, normally, this would not stop me. I may have slowed down... perhaps briefly paused... but then woulda done it anyway - coz im nice like that.
HOWEVER
My mam spotted one of my new tattoos.
This is not a good thing. Shes not gonna mention it to my dad apparently... at least until i do something else 'horrendous' and she grasses me up like last time. She even begged me not to get any more. I thought it prudent not to mention the other 6 she hadnt seen...
They are already unhappy about the hair. They LOVED the BLONDE . It was NORMAL (aka i hated it) So even tho its regular hairdye from the chemists - one that normal people use - it still looks 'AWFUL' and warrents such vitriol as 'What have you done that to yourself for?'
So.. I tidied my room - well - the floor and ComfyChair TM anyway. So if Mam does decide to blab - I can say "Yes - tho your sweet little girl now looks like hellspawn and common as muck and unemployable - her room is TIDY!!!" this will not last - tho i am planning a major clear out - that will have to wait till I can stand without falling over.
Ducko's book is out - published and everything. Ive been having fun arranging prizes for the launch and various bookmarks and specially designed raffle tickets. fun fun fun. I love crap like that.
I have this week had to revisit painful memories - not something im going to go into too much detail about - but the hurt they still cause suprised everyone involved. That said - moving on is the goal now - and however unhealthy it is Im packing all that crap away and putting a large weight ontop of it. Ive tried thinking stuff thru and dealing with it that way - it doesnt work for me. not yet.
On a cheerier note I HAVE NEW SHOES!!! Third attempt at shoes for my cousins wedding. The are too big (website reccomended buying a size up as they tend to run small - and hey my actual size werent in the sale anyway) I will percy veer as they rule. Next week I may be writing about a trip to A+E and the fun of having broken ankles fixed - but till then heres a picture for you to salivate over.
Nope. denied. Il post one later when their website isnt down. but trust me... they are PRETTY.
Monday, 12 January 2009
Fortunately im not the goose
Yes - its very fortunate Im not a goose... or a turkey... or a pig. Id be off to ye olde abbatoir. Xmas has fattened me up to disturbing proportions. Not happy. Not the kind of not happy that got me thinner in the first place. Humph. Not that I want to be unhappy again. But the blubberloss was nice.
anyhoo... dizziness is attacking - too many hours of scrolling thru job sites - and sale sites - still need shoes for cousins wedding...
So now I not only need to stop eating bad food - always a comfort when dizzies are about - but need to find a form of exercise that doesnt make me dizzier.
Someone has tidied away the house exercise bike.
Walkings no good - dizziness wont allow speedyness. Even slow walking has to be my patented Head no moving up and down at all TM walk. which looks weird. and without my pink hair - people looking at me weird feels a bit judgemental. Pink hair armours against a lot.
ok - am not supposed to be on the computer much today. will go tidy my comfy chair and watch stuff that doesnt move too much, spin, or have flashing lights.
anyhoo... dizziness is attacking - too many hours of scrolling thru job sites - and sale sites - still need shoes for cousins wedding...
So now I not only need to stop eating bad food - always a comfort when dizzies are about - but need to find a form of exercise that doesnt make me dizzier.
Someone has tidied away the house exercise bike.
Walkings no good - dizziness wont allow speedyness. Even slow walking has to be my patented Head no moving up and down at all TM walk. which looks weird. and without my pink hair - people looking at me weird feels a bit judgemental. Pink hair armours against a lot.
ok - am not supposed to be on the computer much today. will go tidy my comfy chair and watch stuff that doesnt move too much, spin, or have flashing lights.
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
review
Yes.. i know i posted yesterday - but Ive just spoached this off the lovely B's blog watching geordie life.. and thought id fill in my answers to ward off the dizziness of job applications.
2008 REVIEW
1. What has been your biggest achievement this year?
Surviving
2. What made you laugh most this year?
Frankie Boyle. he is wrong. nasty. and almoust illegally funny - tho Michael McIntyre's skipping bit nearly hospitalised me.
3. What has been your favourite/most listened to piece of music this year?
Dropkick Murphys - no question.
4. What was your best holiday this year?
Hmm... ok so maybe this quiz was a bad idea. Il go for something that wasnt really a holiday instead - my Bro's wedding.
5. What new skill, if any, have you acquired this year?
New skill.... new skill.... erm erm .... Ooooh! I made a dress that hasnt fallen apart yet!
6. What's your happiest/fondest memory of this year?
That wedding again. Was incredible.
7. What's the best book you've read this year?
damn... there have been a lot this year since i decided to read despite the dizzies... Pretty damn amazing have been 9987 by Nik Jones http://watching9987.blogspot.com Black Boxes by the lovely Caroline.
8. If you could spend next year as a film character, who would that be?
Damn.. tough one... Lara Croft.
9. What new hobby did you take up/old hobby did you reinstate this year?
Sewing
10. What one thing would you really like to do next year?
Find what I want to do
11. What has been your best discovery of this year?
Sailor Jerry Rum with Dry Ginger
12. What news story of this year has had the biggest impact on you/do you most remember?
The usual stuff... the important stories such as the Congo crisis that are overlooked as soon as some 'SLEB' falls over and flashes her arse
13. What's the best film you've seen this year? (can be at the cinema or DVD etc)
Best is always the Crow - but thats on limited viewing nowadays..
14. What was your best buy this year?
Perhaps my 7 new tattoos
15. What has been your best day out this year?
*frowns* Beth taking me to a book launch worked out pretty nice...
16. Is there anywhere you'd like to visit next year?
Somewhere warm.
17. Name one thing you did this year that you'd like to do again.
Tattoooooos... tho at the time I did say to myself NEVER AGAIN!!!
18. Who gave you the best advice this year?
Dont know that Ive had any advice. Dont think I would have wanted any.
19. What new skill would you like to acquire next year?
Driving would be good
20. What was your favourite TV/radio programme of this year?
Scrubs has done a lot for me - and Im saddend by the death of Humph... radio just wont be as funny any more.
Bonus question that I'd like to have been asked: Do you have any regrets?
yes. but hopefully regrets are better than never knowing. maybe.
Feel free to spoach and do your own answers - I love being nosy and reading them!
2008 REVIEW
1. What has been your biggest achievement this year?
Surviving
2. What made you laugh most this year?
Frankie Boyle. he is wrong. nasty. and almoust illegally funny - tho Michael McIntyre's skipping bit nearly hospitalised me.
3. What has been your favourite/most listened to piece of music this year?
Dropkick Murphys - no question.
4. What was your best holiday this year?
Hmm... ok so maybe this quiz was a bad idea. Il go for something that wasnt really a holiday instead - my Bro's wedding.
5. What new skill, if any, have you acquired this year?
New skill.... new skill.... erm erm .... Ooooh! I made a dress that hasnt fallen apart yet!
6. What's your happiest/fondest memory of this year?
That wedding again. Was incredible.
7. What's the best book you've read this year?
damn... there have been a lot this year since i decided to read despite the dizzies... Pretty damn amazing have been 9987 by Nik Jones http://watching9987.blogspot.com Black Boxes by the lovely Caroline.
8. If you could spend next year as a film character, who would that be?
Damn.. tough one... Lara Croft.
9. What new hobby did you take up/old hobby did you reinstate this year?
Sewing
10. What one thing would you really like to do next year?
Find what I want to do
11. What has been your best discovery of this year?
Sailor Jerry Rum with Dry Ginger
12. What news story of this year has had the biggest impact on you/do you most remember?
The usual stuff... the important stories such as the Congo crisis that are overlooked as soon as some 'SLEB' falls over and flashes her arse
13. What's the best film you've seen this year? (can be at the cinema or DVD etc)
Best is always the Crow - but thats on limited viewing nowadays..
14. What was your best buy this year?
Perhaps my 7 new tattoos
15. What has been your best day out this year?
*frowns* Beth taking me to a book launch worked out pretty nice...
16. Is there anywhere you'd like to visit next year?
Somewhere warm.
17. Name one thing you did this year that you'd like to do again.
Tattoooooos... tho at the time I did say to myself NEVER AGAIN!!!
18. Who gave you the best advice this year?
Dont know that Ive had any advice. Dont think I would have wanted any.
19. What new skill would you like to acquire next year?
Driving would be good
20. What was your favourite TV/radio programme of this year?
Scrubs has done a lot for me - and Im saddend by the death of Humph... radio just wont be as funny any more.
Bonus question that I'd like to have been asked: Do you have any regrets?
yes. but hopefully regrets are better than never knowing. maybe.
Feel free to spoach and do your own answers - I love being nosy and reading them!
Monday, 5 January 2009
Snappy Blue Ears to all
Well another year older and deeper in debt...
Suppose most people are these days. Anyway - despite money worries or terrors - the world moves on. It might even eventually grant me a job- you never know. Il have to find something soon. Being alive is expensive! Food... Other people requiring stuff... Clothing...
Unfraughtionally (<--- new word doya like it?) parents are in the know about the job interview I had before xmas... So now mum appears everyday with a sad look on her face and apologetically announces that theres no post for me. This is one of the many reasons I do not keep parents informed of such things. They make the disappointment worse - even without meaning to.
Its snowing. Not big flakes that will lie, just enough to make walking to the postbox to send off an installment to the creditcard bill that bit more galling.
I suppose a lot of people are thinking about their new years resolutions and how they probably wont keep them. Il share mine now. Havent made any. Never do. Not that Im resolved in that - that would defeat the object. I prefer irony to hypocracy anyday.
Christmas already seems a long time ago, but keep the spirit going. A happy and healthy new year to you - whoever you are. (Il be my usual unspirited self here tho and limit the whoever you are to people I like. If I dislike you...well... you deserve it. mwuhahahahaha)
Suppose most people are these days. Anyway - despite money worries or terrors - the world moves on. It might even eventually grant me a job- you never know. Il have to find something soon. Being alive is expensive! Food... Other people requiring stuff... Clothing...
Unfraughtionally (<--- new word doya like it?) parents are in the know about the job interview I had before xmas... So now mum appears everyday with a sad look on her face and apologetically announces that theres no post for me. This is one of the many reasons I do not keep parents informed of such things. They make the disappointment worse - even without meaning to.
Its snowing. Not big flakes that will lie, just enough to make walking to the postbox to send off an installment to the creditcard bill that bit more galling.
I suppose a lot of people are thinking about their new years resolutions and how they probably wont keep them. Il share mine now. Havent made any. Never do. Not that Im resolved in that - that would defeat the object. I prefer irony to hypocracy anyday.
Christmas already seems a long time ago, but keep the spirit going. A happy and healthy new year to you - whoever you are. (Il be my usual unspirited self here tho and limit the whoever you are to people I like. If I dislike you...well... you deserve it. mwuhahahahaha)
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