Realised tonight that for the second year running I missed my friends birthday.
It shouldnt be a massive shock, as we havent spoken in... a couple of years. But it always is. I work very hard not to think about some things. Two things really. Both hurt too much to go anywhere near - very unhealthy in all liklihood, but you do what you have to to keep breathing.
I dont know what to do about it. Some people say I should let it go, not bother trying anymore. Its not trying too hard to forget a birthday surely. I want to write a letter, but I've run out of things to say.
Is there any point filling someone in on how much you miss them, when they know it because you have told them in every brief communication since you last spoke? Is there any point telling them whats going on in the life they have distanced themselves from?
Do I want to know how she's doing? Whats up in the world of the PhD? How things are in the life I'm not allowed to be part of - to keep someone who hates me happy?
I dont know.
I do know that I still care. Am still hurt. Am still grieving for the loss of someone who is just down the road but may as well be a million miles away.
I'm angry. I understand for the person you love you put up with a lot. You give up a lot. I dont understand giving up truth. Letting lies be believed to create a baddie that people can hate is just toxic. Letting outright lies, and misunderstandings that have been built on to become massive problems stand as fact, and be believed, boggles my mind. That I am the target of them is so unfair I dont know where to start.
Living life that is a lie, having others lives dictated because of lies, is sad, and it is wrong. It won't make them any happier. Though dellusions may make it seem so.
It makes me cry. And.. it makes me sick. It's not something Im allowed to try and put right. I'm not allowed to show the truth, as the lie makes him perversely happy, and she needs him to be happy, so that has to be the end of that.
There. thats an end of that. I wish it was. I wish it was that easy.
Ive had enough of feeling like shit over this. Enough for tonight. Back to trying to not think about it.
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
Day 10: Favorite foreign film
I'm adding something to this... as, well, you say foreign film, you think foreign language film. Otherwise my favourite foreign film would just be my favourite film... America being foreign to here and all...
so...
Day 10: Favorite foreign *language* film.
If that was supposed to make it easier... it doesnt. Still so many contenders.
Battle Royale for one. My first view of that was me watching it here in the middle of the night when I couldnt sleep, with a friend in a city hundreds of miles away, also unable to sleep, on the other end of the phone, the pair of us giggling about why the evil guy had a pretty pink umbrella.
Run Lola Run is another.. its just an epic film. Nonstop.
But I have to go for...
Les Visiteurs
Jean Reno - always a favourite. Here, in a comedy, not a genre I like him best in, but this really is hilarious. Its split between 1993 and 1193, with a senile old sorcerer calling the people from the past to interact with their 'modern day' descendants. Oh dear.. I've just seen that they've made a sequel. Anyway - its good. Go watch it.. and the others mentioned!
so...
Day 10: Favorite foreign *language* film.
If that was supposed to make it easier... it doesnt. Still so many contenders.
Battle Royale for one. My first view of that was me watching it here in the middle of the night when I couldnt sleep, with a friend in a city hundreds of miles away, also unable to sleep, on the other end of the phone, the pair of us giggling about why the evil guy had a pretty pink umbrella.
Run Lola Run is another.. its just an epic film. Nonstop.
But I have to go for...
Les Visiteurs
Jean Reno - always a favourite. Here, in a comedy, not a genre I like him best in, but this really is hilarious. Its split between 1993 and 1193, with a senile old sorcerer calling the people from the past to interact with their 'modern day' descendants. Oh dear.. I've just seen that they've made a sequel. Anyway - its good. Go watch it.. and the others mentioned!
Friday, 13 May 2011
Day 9: Favorite musical
Musicals are tough... and not just because it took me three attempts to type it correctly there...
See.. I think of Grease as a film film.. rather than a musical.. I always seem to forget theres all that singing in there. Same goes for the film I thought of, and completely forgot about in the process of typing this sentence. Going well eh? Eesh.
Day 9: Favorite musical
Calamity Jane
Yeeha! Yeah, I think of Musicals as films defined by an era. Black and White years are filled with Fred and Ginger... then the technicolor palette exploded all over the screen for Hepburn, Kelley and Day.
I love love loved this film when I was little. I was one of the first, if not THE first thing we ever recorded on VHS. I used to watch it endlessly. Get to the end, hit rewind, and watch it again. Sitting, of course, on the piano stool like it was a horse, singing along all the way. Like many films over the years, I watched it to the point where I could recite all dialogue from start to finish. Scary.
For anyone who hasnt seen this particular gem...
Doris Day plays Calamity Jane, the leather trouser wearing, gun toting, stagecoach driving woman of a wild west becoming increasingly encroached on by civilisation.. and other women. Thinking back now, I can only vaguely remember why she had to go and get 'Adilade Adams' the female star of the musichall from Chicago, and bring her back to Deadwood. Drunken bet probably, although she did drink a lot of Sasparilla...
Anyway - off she goes to get the star, only having a picture of her from a 'cigareet paket' running across the star's maid in her dressingroom, who decides to play along with Calamity's misunderstanding and go with her as Adilade - after some amusment from thinking Calamity was a man.
Of course, it all falls apart.. maid gets stagefright, fraud is exposed... Calamity is blamed. They end up living together, in a technicolor whirl of a timesweep scene they clean and tidy the cabin making it fit for two ladies.
Sadly, Katie - the maid - falls for the soldierboy Calamity has had her heart set on, while the cowboy who really loves Calamity is overlooked by both. Big fallout at the dance. Get outta town or I'll kill ya speech...
Big dressing downs for Calamity... Howard Keel singing his song that I always fast forwarded..(wow remember fast forwarding?) through.
Big make up... and Weddings!
Oh! Take me back to the Blaaaaaack Hills. The Black Hills of Dakota... Where the pines are so high that they kiss the skies above....
See.. I think of Grease as a film film.. rather than a musical.. I always seem to forget theres all that singing in there. Same goes for the film I thought of, and completely forgot about in the process of typing this sentence. Going well eh? Eesh.
Day 9: Favorite musical
Calamity Jane
Yeeha! Yeah, I think of Musicals as films defined by an era. Black and White years are filled with Fred and Ginger... then the technicolor palette exploded all over the screen for Hepburn, Kelley and Day.
I love love loved this film when I was little. I was one of the first, if not THE first thing we ever recorded on VHS. I used to watch it endlessly. Get to the end, hit rewind, and watch it again. Sitting, of course, on the piano stool like it was a horse, singing along all the way. Like many films over the years, I watched it to the point where I could recite all dialogue from start to finish. Scary.
For anyone who hasnt seen this particular gem...
Doris Day plays Calamity Jane, the leather trouser wearing, gun toting, stagecoach driving woman of a wild west becoming increasingly encroached on by civilisation.. and other women. Thinking back now, I can only vaguely remember why she had to go and get 'Adilade Adams' the female star of the musichall from Chicago, and bring her back to Deadwood. Drunken bet probably, although she did drink a lot of Sasparilla...
Anyway - off she goes to get the star, only having a picture of her from a 'cigareet paket' running across the star's maid in her dressingroom, who decides to play along with Calamity's misunderstanding and go with her as Adilade - after some amusment from thinking Calamity was a man.
Of course, it all falls apart.. maid gets stagefright, fraud is exposed... Calamity is blamed. They end up living together, in a technicolor whirl of a timesweep scene they clean and tidy the cabin making it fit for two ladies.
Sadly, Katie - the maid - falls for the soldierboy Calamity has had her heart set on, while the cowboy who really loves Calamity is overlooked by both. Big fallout at the dance. Get outta town or I'll kill ya speech...
Big dressing downs for Calamity... Howard Keel singing his song that I always fast forwarded..(wow remember fast forwarding?) through.
Big make up... and Weddings!
Oh! Take me back to the Blaaaaaack Hills. The Black Hills of Dakota... Where the pines are so high that they kiss the skies above....
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
Day 8: Favorite thriller
Ooooh damn you genre definers!
Favorite thriller *quietly does the dance*
Day of the Jackal
The original of course. It is intensely thrilling! Generally when its been on TV its late at night, Ive invariably been doing other things, or just too tired to pay proper attention - so when now I watch the DVD, I see new things each time.
Of course, its a beautifully shot film, like other films of that time its fantastical in some ways, and utterly realistic in others.
For those who don't know - it's about the assasination of the French President - a group of dissidents hire a hit man, and we follow his story. Its as much an education as a film, an education in ways of doing things all sneaky style, and of course, just how bad an idea it is to try and doublecross a hitman. There is also an excellent sequence showing you how to sight you new sniper rifle through the cunning use of watermelons.
Saying all this I want to watch it again. The star has just that Real Star Quality - leadingman handsome in the way of the old war movie hero of the hour. It is an.. understated film. Everything the epitomy of cool, just the man doing exactly what he was meant to do, knowing everything he does will be exactly spot on.
It's a great film. I would witter on more, but I just realised I have some computer fiddlage to do to try and print some stuff out that I need tomorrow.
Toodles.
Favorite thriller *quietly does the dance*
Day of the Jackal
The original of course. It is intensely thrilling! Generally when its been on TV its late at night, Ive invariably been doing other things, or just too tired to pay proper attention - so when now I watch the DVD, I see new things each time.
Of course, its a beautifully shot film, like other films of that time its fantastical in some ways, and utterly realistic in others.
For those who don't know - it's about the assasination of the French President - a group of dissidents hire a hit man, and we follow his story. Its as much an education as a film, an education in ways of doing things all sneaky style, and of course, just how bad an idea it is to try and doublecross a hitman. There is also an excellent sequence showing you how to sight you new sniper rifle through the cunning use of watermelons.
Saying all this I want to watch it again. The star has just that Real Star Quality - leadingman handsome in the way of the old war movie hero of the hour. It is an.. understated film. Everything the epitomy of cool, just the man doing exactly what he was meant to do, knowing everything he does will be exactly spot on.
It's a great film. I would witter on more, but I just realised I have some computer fiddlage to do to try and print some stuff out that I need tomorrow.
Toodles.
Monday, 9 May 2011
Day 7: Favorite animated feature
Day 7: Favorite animated feature
Second attempt at this today. Earlier I was going on about how hard it is to pick favourites, well not hard to pick favourites plural, but to single things down to one... eesh.
Favorite animated feature
My Neighbour Totoro
Other films came to mind, including Spirited Away, and the Fox and the Hound. Right now though, I'd like a Totoro. Earlier I was thinking about how one film, or one thing, can be the best in one situation, and not be right for another. Today is a Totoro day.
Having a Totoro in the garden right now would be great. I'd cuddle into its furry belly and fall asleep. It would probably wake with a ROOOOOAAAAAWWWWRRRRR and frighten the life out of me, but then there would be giggling. And that would be nice.
It's a more muted tone film than anything by Disney, and seems more dreamlike, and perhaps more realistic because of it.
For anyone not having come across it as a film - its Studio Ghibli - beautiful Anime. Its a film with kids in it - so... arguably a kids film - but viewed as an adult, you get both the adult, and the childlike reaction to the events as they unfold. Your reactions now to a mum in hospital, and what you would have felt as a child. You also get the sadness as it emerges that you can only see the Totoro at a certain age, now long since past.
The crazy beast of the Totoro, its smaller minions, and the CatBus all weave through the human story, making it possible without the adults knowing.
You also get a lesson in the ages of Anime -
1. The small girl. Big head. Big mouth. Short and chubby.
2. The older girl. Head more in proportion. Mouth only big when acting childishly. Longer and leaner.
3. The mother. Proportionate, calm, slender.
4. The crone. Short and round. Big features, eyes and mouth - the return to childhood.
I'll try not to be sad that I can't see the Totoro. It's there. I just cant see it.
Second attempt at this today. Earlier I was going on about how hard it is to pick favourites, well not hard to pick favourites plural, but to single things down to one... eesh.
Favorite animated feature
My Neighbour Totoro
Other films came to mind, including Spirited Away, and the Fox and the Hound. Right now though, I'd like a Totoro. Earlier I was thinking about how one film, or one thing, can be the best in one situation, and not be right for another. Today is a Totoro day.
Having a Totoro in the garden right now would be great. I'd cuddle into its furry belly and fall asleep. It would probably wake with a ROOOOOAAAAAWWWWRRRRR and frighten the life out of me, but then there would be giggling. And that would be nice.
It's a more muted tone film than anything by Disney, and seems more dreamlike, and perhaps more realistic because of it.
For anyone not having come across it as a film - its Studio Ghibli - beautiful Anime. Its a film with kids in it - so... arguably a kids film - but viewed as an adult, you get both the adult, and the childlike reaction to the events as they unfold. Your reactions now to a mum in hospital, and what you would have felt as a child. You also get the sadness as it emerges that you can only see the Totoro at a certain age, now long since past.
The crazy beast of the Totoro, its smaller minions, and the CatBus all weave through the human story, making it possible without the adults knowing.
You also get a lesson in the ages of Anime -
1. The small girl. Big head. Big mouth. Short and chubby.
2. The older girl. Head more in proportion. Mouth only big when acting childishly. Longer and leaner.
3. The mother. Proportionate, calm, slender.
4. The crone. Short and round. Big features, eyes and mouth - the return to childhood.
I'll try not to be sad that I can't see the Totoro. It's there. I just cant see it.
Thursday, 5 May 2011
Day 6: Favorite horror
Day 6: Favorite horror
Favourite horror... do I have one I wonder? You would think I would.. but yet again, I am second, and triple guessing my genre definitions...
hmm
Fuckit. This ones a cracker... if only I could remember the name. Had on while I google...
The Haunting!
Yes.. its a bit rubbishy.. but its also a bit epic. First watched this years and years ago on my own, in the dark, in the middle of the night. At the end, got up to go brush my teeth, in the dark ran into my dad, who had also been watching it, but downstairs. I jumped and yelled. He jumped and yelled. My mam who was asleep woke up and yelled. Excellent.
The film itself is creepy. Definate moments to make you jump. Some beautiful ideas, and some excellent special effects. Liam Neeson is always a draw, and in this - as good as ever.
With all haunted house stories, you have to wonder why the hell they dont just leave. At least in this they try to. You are left wanting them to have tried harder... but, thems the breaks.
I would love to have a water filled corridor with piles of books as steppingstones.
Its not the bloodfilled horror - those, in all honesty, I dont really have much time for. Theres only so many pints of cornsyrup you can see before you get bored, and once you have seen hooks pulling at skin that looks like it came off your xmas stocking tangerine, or wasps crawling all over a bathroom mirror, I dont really need to see it again. I dont want a horror to shock and repulse me. I want it to horrify me.. make me scared to go to bed because of what the bed might turn into, not because there is an escaped nightmare demon hiding under it.
Favourite horror... do I have one I wonder? You would think I would.. but yet again, I am second, and triple guessing my genre definitions...
hmm
Fuckit. This ones a cracker... if only I could remember the name. Had on while I google...
The Haunting!
Yes.. its a bit rubbishy.. but its also a bit epic. First watched this years and years ago on my own, in the dark, in the middle of the night. At the end, got up to go brush my teeth, in the dark ran into my dad, who had also been watching it, but downstairs. I jumped and yelled. He jumped and yelled. My mam who was asleep woke up and yelled. Excellent.
The film itself is creepy. Definate moments to make you jump. Some beautiful ideas, and some excellent special effects. Liam Neeson is always a draw, and in this - as good as ever.
With all haunted house stories, you have to wonder why the hell they dont just leave. At least in this they try to. You are left wanting them to have tried harder... but, thems the breaks.
I would love to have a water filled corridor with piles of books as steppingstones.
Its not the bloodfilled horror - those, in all honesty, I dont really have much time for. Theres only so many pints of cornsyrup you can see before you get bored, and once you have seen hooks pulling at skin that looks like it came off your xmas stocking tangerine, or wasps crawling all over a bathroom mirror, I dont really need to see it again. I dont want a horror to shock and repulse me. I want it to horrify me.. make me scared to go to bed because of what the bed might turn into, not because there is an escaped nightmare demon hiding under it.
Monday, 2 May 2011
Day 5: Favorite action
Day 5: Favorite action
Gah... another tough one. Hrmmm...
First one that came to mind.. Die Hard... but.. not the first.
Die Hard III, DieHard with a Venegeance.
Got pretty much all you could want from an action film.
Bruce Willis in a vest.
Jeremy Irons in a vest.
And I'm pretty sure.. a glimpse of... Samuel L Jackson in a vest.
Its a vest fest!
Theres cars... trucks.. reverse badge number reading.. gold bars.. trains... massive tunnels.. vats of explosive goo.. I could go on.
Of course.. its not the most cerebral of plots. But it is a compelling one. Yet again John Mclaine has buggered things up with wifey... is in a vest and hung over. This time theres an evil puppet master with a grudge.. or is it yet again all about the money? Nah.. its BOTH! One vicious woman with a knife later and theres plenty of the red stuff around to slip on, courtesy of the one dumb guard with a shotgun who really should have let the money go. Not like he was going to get a gold bar on retirement. Smattering of racism, bit of sammich board walking and off we go.. several destinations to reach, a puzzle or two to solve along the way - one of which - the water container one - ranks up there with the talking doors of the labyrinth in its mindbogglingness. The double, the triple, the quadruple cross amps up the - it's ok I can watch this without feeling guilty coz theres a plot - but its just that. Amping up what is already a very watchable film. Car chases. Truck chases. Boat chases?
Yippy Kai Yay MutherFucker!
Gah... another tough one. Hrmmm...
First one that came to mind.. Die Hard... but.. not the first.
Die Hard III, DieHard with a Venegeance.
Got pretty much all you could want from an action film.
Bruce Willis in a vest.
Jeremy Irons in a vest.
And I'm pretty sure.. a glimpse of... Samuel L Jackson in a vest.
Its a vest fest!
Theres cars... trucks.. reverse badge number reading.. gold bars.. trains... massive tunnels.. vats of explosive goo.. I could go on.
Of course.. its not the most cerebral of plots. But it is a compelling one. Yet again John Mclaine has buggered things up with wifey... is in a vest and hung over. This time theres an evil puppet master with a grudge.. or is it yet again all about the money? Nah.. its BOTH! One vicious woman with a knife later and theres plenty of the red stuff around to slip on, courtesy of the one dumb guard with a shotgun who really should have let the money go. Not like he was going to get a gold bar on retirement. Smattering of racism, bit of sammich board walking and off we go.. several destinations to reach, a puzzle or two to solve along the way - one of which - the water container one - ranks up there with the talking doors of the labyrinth in its mindbogglingness. The double, the triple, the quadruple cross amps up the - it's ok I can watch this without feeling guilty coz theres a plot - but its just that. Amping up what is already a very watchable film. Car chases. Truck chases. Boat chases?
Yippy Kai Yay MutherFucker!
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