sad

Realised tonight that for the second year running I missed my friends birthday.

It shouldnt be a massive shock, as we havent spoken in... a couple of years. But it always is. I work very hard not to think about some things. Two things really. Both hurt too much to go anywhere near - very unhealthy in all liklihood, but you do what you have to to keep breathing.

I dont know what to do about it. Some people say I should let it go, not bother trying anymore. Its not trying too hard to forget a birthday surely. I want to write a letter, but I've run out of things to say.

Is there any point filling someone in on how much you miss them, when they know it because you have told them in every brief communication since you last spoke? Is there any point telling them whats going on in the life they have distanced themselves from?

Do I want to know how she's doing? Whats up in the world of the PhD? How things are in the life I'm not allowed to be part of - to keep someone who hates me happy?

I dont know.

I do know that I still care. Am still hurt. Am still grieving for the loss of someone who is just down the road but may as well be a million miles away.

I'm angry. I understand for the person you love you put up with a lot. You give up a lot. I dont understand giving up truth. Letting lies be believed to create a baddie that people can hate is just toxic. Letting outright lies, and misunderstandings that have been built on to become massive problems stand as fact, and be believed, boggles my mind. That I am the target of them is so unfair I dont know where to start.

Living life that is a lie, having others lives dictated because of lies, is sad, and it is wrong. It won't make them any happier. Though dellusions may make it seem so.

It makes me cry. And.. it makes me sick. It's not something Im allowed to try and put right. I'm not allowed to show the truth, as the lie makes him perversely happy, and she needs him to be happy, so that has to be the end of that.

There. thats an end of that. I wish it was. I wish it was that easy.

Ive had enough of feeling like shit over this. Enough for tonight. Back to trying to not think about it.