Lost in the concrete garden

It's been a while...

2012-01-24T20:40:00.002Z

and yes, I still love that song.

I thought I might have had a bit more energy today to get stuff done.. but no. I tidied a little... xmas tree is still up... despite semi firm intentions that today had to be the day. Nope. Instead of making brownies, I bought tuna - it was nearly half price! Not quite the same with a cup of coffee though. I had a lot of coffee. Helps keep you warm in the cold house. Means you have to pee a lot though. Which is annoying. As then, as you are up, you go make more coffee, and so it goes on. Somewhere in the midst of all this excitement, I did a bit of work on a new set of pictures, I thought I'd share one. Enjoy.

2011-10-09T22:36:00.004+01:00

Because....

Sometimes, you dance as a fish for the people you love.

xxx

Just a picture

2011-09-05T22:39:00.001+01:00

Nice eh? In another world, this is me and my friend Domino. Oddly and unusually, here I'm in white. Just a picture I was working on today. *Dizzy now*

2011-08-24T01:22:00.002+01:00

Today I read a bit about Isadora Duncan.

Blame the BBC website, they had a quote from her as her quote of the day, something about how when her mother was pregnant with her she badly affected what she could eat, limiting her to only fine champagne and ice chilled oysters...

That kinda thing gets my attention - so off I clicked to Wikipedia, yeah yeah I know.

Still the woman had a LIFE.
eesh.
And a death.
Wowza.

Not a way to go. Or an ideal way to go. Not sure I can decide on that.
Still, I advise finding out more about this woman and her life. She seems interesting in a Bohemian tradgedy type way.

Anyway, while I was on there, theres a quote. Yup, another one, which is sticking with me. I like it. In a letter to her assumed or confirmed (its late and I cant be bothered to fact check - Wikipedia is now showing up in all different colours and its freaking me out) lover the poet Mercedes de Acosta wrote..
" persuade my thirsty soul to drink "

I like it a lot. Especially in the context she means. Reeeeed eeeeeet!

bluuuuuuuuuud

2011-08-15T18:43:00.000+01:00

mmm communal fridge...

hehehe

Inside the Actor's Studio

2011-08-10T13:11:00.002+01:00

10 Questions...

1. What is your favorite word?
Gobbledegook

2. What is your least favorite word?
Moist

3. What turns you on?
Intellect

4. What turns you off?
Stupidity (shockingly enough)

5. What sound do you love?
The 'crump' when you walk on snow

6. What sound do you hate?
Vomiting

7. What is your favorite curse word?
Oh... wow. Erm... I say 'Fucksake' a lot...

8. What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
Tattooist

9. What profession would you not like to do?
One of those guys who scrapes fat deposits out of sewers. Ew. Well done them for doing it.

10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
Fancy a coffee?

Wardrobe Saga - part 3

2011-05-30T15:37:00.014+01:00

Nearing the finish now!Course, you have to take a sneaky peak to see what it will look like when it is done.. But, there's still work to do! No shelves to be seen in there yet - here we go...Now. This... hurt the head to work out. One of the four shelves was always going to be just a spreader at the top, upside down so it looked good to eye level, to take the cords tied around the unusual front to back hanging rail the wardrobe had. This is what we came up with for the shelves after all other ideas failed. Double lengths of cord lashed around the rail, run to each corner of the spreader shelf, and from there down, so there would be no messing about trying to put things on a top shelf hampered by diagonal cords.

So this all looks a bit Heath Robinson - but I like that. After many different attempts at getting the top spreader shelf high enough, and level enough, with a good deal of grumping on my part (i do like it when things just work how I planned them) and a lot of knot untying and putting up with grumpiness on Duckos part, we got it done. Threading the cord through the holes drilled in each shelf and knotting them never gave a consistantly flat shelf, so, they were looped through, tightened and raised slowly, then tied off. As the spirit level shows - its FLAT bebbeh!

There wasn't going to be enough cord to wrap around each shelf, so one cord wrapped, the other ran straight through before being knotted, then on the next shelf down, the cords swapped, so the one that had gone straight through wrapped around the next, giving enough cord, and keeping the strands the same length. Soon enough, with much congratulation to Ducko - we had three level hanging shelves!

Sad to say, the local DIY store going out of business meant we got some nice handles we could afford. This is also a nice shot of just how rockin the gluing was around the lock on the door. Nope, we don't have a key for it, but it looks good!Doors screwed back on, looking all nice and shiny white against the rather magical and lucky chinese interior. You can also see the attention to detail of the map covering the side of the door as well as the front. No messin.
In situ, ready for the grand finale.

Yes... the shelves really work!
TADA!!! Only took a few months... and the cost of more than buying a new cheap wardrobe... But, it's unique, with memories built in, and I love it.

Wardobe Saga - Part 2

2011-05-30T14:44:00.023+01:00

So... the insides are done. Time to do a bit of work on the shelves. This is turning from a wardrobe into a cupboard really, as we need the space for storage of stuff more than clothes. So, shelves had to happen. As earlier experiments showed, this was not going to be easy. Still, the old brain does like a challenge, even if it's pretty masochistic. Hanging shelves. The way forward. Just not great if you happen to get dizzy from seeing things swinging. I'm not nice to myself, but the idea was a good un. Now, just to make them.
So, with some kiln dried timber, bought to make the frame that didn't happen and the shelves that did, and some fancy measuring involving folded bits of paper - I'm SO high tech its frightening - we had the basis of a shelf. Three more and a lot of drilling that scared the catface, and a long wait while the glue dried.

Here we have the shelves taking shape. Ducko cut more of the hardboard to size, and we glued it onto the timber frames, and voila - shelves.Next - the shelves got the same treatment with the cut up envelopes, covering the tops that can be seen, and the front - we were having to be careful with the envelopes by this stage. At the finish we only had the front picture side of one left. So regardless of maths, the fuckit that'll do attitude actually worked out for once!

Now attention was turned to the outside of the 'drobe. There had always been a plan in mind - something quite different, yet similar in process at least - to the insides. First step was to paint the doors white. You can see here there are weird yellowy stains coming through the paint from the wood. Turns out it might have been better not to have taken the varnish off after all, as the seepage was coming through from the wood. The doors got a coat of paint, then a layer of sprayed on lacquer, then another coat of white. Sadly even this was not enough to keep the yellow from coming through as I will point out later - I'm a bit of a perfectionist at times, but the adds character argument can work equally well.The idea originally had been to cover the entire outside with what will be covering parts of it... it just wasn't going to work. The frame of the 'drobe has some lovely features, one of which is the grooved sides to the outer edges that frame the doors. This, had the original idea been followed, would have lost a lot of what it is to look at, as well as making the whole thing not quite work size wise. I know, I know.. but all will become clear soon. For now, the outsides all got the same coatings of white and lacquer as the doors.At this stage - it all looked quite Christmassy to me. Like an oriental Santa's cupboard. here you can just about see the grooves on the front panels.

Now for the real mindbending fun to begin. The outside of the 'drobe is to be all Ordnance Survey maps. Maps of the area. The map which covers Newcastle - where I live - and Consett - where Ducko resides - is all one map. We got four in all to cover the thing. Now... to fit both my street and Duckos onto one door, meant that Consett - further south - would be at the bottom near the left hand edge of the door, while my bit of Newcastle was mid door height and bang on the right hand side of the door if we had Consett just up against the left. So the maps had to be cut to fit, some on the door, some for the side, some for the other door.

After a bit of an accident with the first door - the section covering where we both live - it was clear that the maps had to be cut into smaller sections, or sticking them on without them twisting and going wrong was nigh on impossible. Here's the left hand door in progress. Yes.. it looks very wrinkly. It isn't all that bad once dried. Too much smoothing and the map tears, so it all had to be done with a lot of care. No matter how flat it went on, it wrinkled. Thankfully, its mostly dried flat.

Left hand door again - you can see from the shiny patches to the left hand side of the pic, that the sections glued on got smaller and smaller. Not for ease - oh no - lining up all those edges so the roads met and houses weren't split wasnt easy. Nope. This was the very tricky bit. Of the four maps bought - they are all of the area. Newcastle Consett on one, then to the left of that, Haltwhistle and Hexham. Above those two, in turn, are the Alnwick, and Kielder maps. Here lies the problem. Newcastle is on the coast. To the north, obviously the coast continues, but it moves westwards, so the Alnwick map itself is inset to the Newcastle one by a good way. This meant that the four didn't just line up - but were staggered. So here on the left door, you have at the base - Haltwhistle and Hexham, but above, a combination of both Alnwick and Kielder! Mindboggling.Left hand door done. Once the stuck downness was dried - it got a coat of pva and water mix to help seal the paper.

Next, the sides of the 'drobe. Here, you can see much more clearly, what I was trying to explain above. On the left of the picture, is the right hand side of the Newcastle/Consett map. Above - to the right in this picture, is the Alnwick map. The Alnwick map ends - and so has the white paper with the map's key, while the Newcastle map - with more land to the east - continues.Here's gluing the left hand side of the 'drobe. Now, I love Kielder. Many happy memories there - but to continue on from the left hand door - would mean it wouldn't be on the 'drobe. Not having that. So, just a bit more jiggerypokery with the maps, and it fit on, though with a section of countryside now missing. The bottom of this side shows the same as on the right - the bottom maps - set further to the east than the top - run out on the left, so a gap is there, but is filled again with the map's key before we are done.

The Wardrobe Saga - part 1

2011-05-30T13:30:00.024+01:00

Bear with me... this could take a while.
So, the house came with an old wardrobe in it. Battered and tatty - with a set of old australian encyclopedia in it no less. Question was - can it be used, or do we get rid?

D'uh.

Several ideas came and went - it's carcass was not strong enough to build shelves into, so we had to come up with a different plan.. or seven.

Anyway - here we go.
This is the wardrobe as was - except without it's doors. Foolishly we only thought to start documenting this after we had begun. Ho Hum. So, we took the doors off, and spent a few afternoons sanding the layers of old varnish off them, and the rest of the 'drobe. It's sides are so thin, only veneer really and the back.. well...
It had a big patched up mess of a hole in it. The back of the 'drobe itself was screwed on with a myriad of tiny tiny screws all totally rusted into the wood and which broke apart when we tried to get them out. What to do now? Kick the back out of course...That... wasn't the best of ideas. No way was it all coming off, and if it did - the whole thing was liable to collapse. So off we went to the massive DIY store to get some hardboard cut to put over the back panel. Course, I managed to do the maths in a hurry so what we got cut didnt fit - too small for the back. But - no fear - Ducko with a saw and a big tube of woodglue and the too small to cover the entire back on the outside fitted nicely onto the inside of the back. Back of the wardrobes gonna be against a wall anyway...
Next came some sums... how much stuff would we need to cover the insides? Whole lotta maths. Of course.. in the end - the - fuckit that'll do - came to the fore - along with costs. There's only so many of the pretty little envelopes I could afford.
Speaking of... here they are. Chinese lucky money envelopes. Most of these are designed for the new year - some for weddings. All for good luck, prosperity, and ever so pretty. Can't see all of them here, but there are five designs as you will see in time. The Koi, the Crystanthemum, The Man, The Oranges and the Phoenix and Dragon. All had to be slit open with the blade of a craft knife, Ducko using the knife, me just one of the blades. We must have looked very dodgy slitting open the little envelopes.Here, you can see the new backboard - the hammer is there as this was part of an idea that failed - building a new frame into the carcass of the 'drobe to build shelves into. After a lot of hammering - and a massive headache - as hammering, when your head inside a big box that reverbarates.. gets very VERY loud, and was all pointless, as the nails just fell out of the old hard dry timber of the 'drobe's frame, and no amount of instant grab adhesive or nails was gonna help. So.. that idea flew out of the window, and something much more interesting took it's place. More on that later..For now, we come over all Blue Peter / Art Attack and start glueing the sliced up envelopes to the inside side of the 'drobe. This was all a bit of an experiment - as each new mix of PVA and water was slightly different in consistancy, that and it turned out that despite looking about the same size, the Phoenix and Dragon envelopes were actually a good bit bigger than all the others. some fancy fiddling, and they got their own stripe, with the other four designs going on more or less in sequence. More when Ducko was handing them to me to glue, and less when he went to make the dinner, and I picked up whatever was nearest in the piles.Here we are a bit further on.. trying to keep all the lines straight, all the glue where it should be, and all the air and glue bubbles pushed out. Though, as hard as we tried, there are still a lot! They crept in when we weren't looking I'm sure.One side done! Still sticky and wet with glue...And Dry! In lovely golden afternoon sunlight no less. Yes, here you can see the wrinkles in the envelopes. But, I would argue now that they add character. Anything else and it may as well all have been one sheet of paper.
Here, we have moved on a bit, more than half of the back covered now too, as well as the righthandside on the shelves that you can't really see. The gap at the bottom of the left hand side's there as it took a good deal of thinking about as to how to cover that bit, the wood of the floor there and the base of the sidewall was broken, and the carcass of the 'drobe had to be worked around. We get there - never fear.See! Here's the built in shelves - they are very bizzare, as they are not attatched to the floor of the wardrobe in any way. All quite flimsy and light, they may have rested on the floor once, but it's bowed over the decades and now they float free. You can't really tell from this photo - but each shelf was covered in a single design - fortuitously there are five! For added luck, one glued on also contains a coin. So the 'drobe, already lucky not to have ended up in a skip, should be luckier still.Insides... DONE!

2011-05-26T16:11:00.001+01:00

www.youtube.com/watch?v=lC25Htxs-ms

sad

2011-05-25T23:39:00.002+01:00

Realised tonight that for the second year running I missed my friends birthday.

It shouldnt be a massive shock, as we havent spoken in... a couple of years. But it always is. I work very hard not to think about some things. Two things really. Both hurt too much to go anywhere near - very unhealthy in all liklihood, but you do what you have to to keep breathing.

I dont know what to do about it. Some people say I should let it go, not bother trying anymore. Its not trying too hard to forget a birthday surely. I want to write a letter, but I've run out of things to say.

Is there any point filling someone in on how much you miss them, when they know it because you have told them in every brief communication since you last spoke? Is there any point telling them whats going on in the life they have distanced themselves from?

Do I want to know how she's doing? Whats up in the world of the PhD? How things are in the life I'm not allowed to be part of - to keep someone who hates me happy?

I dont know.

I do know that I still care. Am still hurt. Am still grieving for the loss of someone who is just down the road but may as well be a million miles away.

I'm angry. I understand for the person you love you put up with a lot. You give up a lot. I dont understand giving up truth. Letting lies be believed to create a baddie that people can hate is just toxic. Letting outright lies, and misunderstandings that have been built on to become massive problems stand as fact, and be believed, boggles my mind. That I am the target of them is so unfair I dont know where to start.

Living life that is a lie, having others lives dictated because of lies, is sad, and it is wrong. It won't make them any happier. Though dellusions may make it seem so.

It makes me cry. And.. it makes me sick. It's not something Im allowed to try and put right. I'm not allowed to show the truth, as the lie makes him perversely happy, and she needs him to be happy, so that has to be the end of that.

There. thats an end of that. I wish it was. I wish it was that easy.

Ive had enough of feeling like shit over this. Enough for tonight. Back to trying to not think about it.

Day 10: Favorite foreign film

2011-05-18T15:55:00.002+01:00

I'm adding something to this... as, well, you say foreign film, you think foreign language film. Otherwise my favourite foreign film would just be my favourite film... America being foreign to here and all...

so...

Day 10: Favorite foreign *language* film.

If that was supposed to make it easier... it doesnt. Still so many contenders.
Battle Royale for one. My first view of that was me watching it here in the middle of the night when I couldnt sleep, with a friend in a city hundreds of miles away, also unable to sleep, on the other end of the phone, the pair of us giggling about why the evil guy had a pretty pink umbrella.
Run Lola Run is another.. its just an epic film. Nonstop.

But I have to go for...

Les Visiteurs

Jean Reno - always a favourite. Here, in a comedy, not a genre I like him best in, but this really is hilarious. Its split between 1993 and 1193, with a senile old sorcerer calling the people from the past to interact with their 'modern day' descendants. Oh dear.. I've just seen that they've made a sequel. Anyway - its good. Go watch it.. and the others mentioned!

Day 9: Favorite musical

2011-05-13T18:28:00.002+01:00

Musicals are tough... and not just because it took me three attempts to type it correctly there...

See.. I think of Grease as a film film.. rather than a musical.. I always seem to forget theres all that singing in there. Same goes for the film I thought of, and completely forgot about in the process of typing this sentence. Going well eh? Eesh.

Day 9: Favorite musical

Calamity Jane

Yeeha! Yeah, I think of Musicals as films defined by an era. Black and White years are filled with Fred and Ginger... then the technicolor palette exploded all over the screen for Hepburn, Kelley and Day.

I love love loved this film when I was little. I was one of the first, if not THE first thing we ever recorded on VHS. I used to watch it endlessly. Get to the end, hit rewind, and watch it again. Sitting, of course, on the piano stool like it was a horse, singing along all the way. Like many films over the years, I watched it to the point where I could recite all dialogue from start to finish. Scary.

For anyone who hasnt seen this particular gem...

Doris Day plays Calamity Jane, the leather trouser wearing, gun toting, stagecoach driving woman of a wild west becoming increasingly encroached on by civilisation.. and other women. Thinking back now, I can only vaguely remember why she had to go and get 'Adilade Adams' the female star of the musichall from Chicago, and bring her back to Deadwood. Drunken bet probably, although she did drink a lot of Sasparilla...
Anyway - off she goes to get the star, only having a picture of her from a 'cigareet paket' running across the star's maid in her dressingroom, who decides to play along with Calamity's misunderstanding and go with her as Adilade - after some amusment from thinking Calamity was a man.
Of course, it all falls apart.. maid gets stagefright, fraud is exposed... Calamity is blamed. They end up living together, in a technicolor whirl of a timesweep scene they clean and tidy the cabin making it fit for two ladies.
Sadly, Katie - the maid - falls for the soldierboy Calamity has had her heart set on, while the cowboy who really loves Calamity is overlooked by both. Big fallout at the dance. Get outta town or I'll kill ya speech...
Big dressing downs for Calamity... Howard Keel singing his song that I always fast forwarded..(wow remember fast forwarding?) through.
Big make up... and Weddings!

Oh! Take me back to the Blaaaaaack Hills. The Black Hills of Dakota... Where the pines are so high that they kiss the skies above....

Day 8: Favorite thriller

2011-05-11T16:41:00.000+01:00

Ooooh damn you genre definers!

Favorite thriller *quietly does the dance*

Day of the Jackal

The original of course. It is intensely thrilling! Generally when its been on TV its late at night, Ive invariably been doing other things, or just too tired to pay proper attention - so when now I watch the DVD, I see new things each time.

Of course, its a beautifully shot film, like other films of that time its fantastical in some ways, and utterly realistic in others.

For those who don't know - it's about the assasination of the French President - a group of dissidents hire a hit man, and we follow his story. Its as much an education as a film, an education in ways of doing things all sneaky style, and of course, just how bad an idea it is to try and doublecross a hitman. There is also an excellent sequence showing you how to sight you new sniper rifle through the cunning use of watermelons.

Saying all this I want to watch it again. The star has just that Real Star Quality - leadingman handsome in the way of the old war movie hero of the hour. It is an.. understated film. Everything the epitomy of cool, just the man doing exactly what he was meant to do, knowing everything he does will be exactly spot on.

It's a great film. I would witter on more, but I just realised I have some computer fiddlage to do to try and print some stuff out that I need tomorrow.

Toodles.

Day 7: Favorite animated feature

2011-05-09T15:29:00.003+01:00

Day 7: Favorite animated feature

Second attempt at this today. Earlier I was going on about how hard it is to pick favourites, well not hard to pick favourites plural, but to single things down to one... eesh.

Favorite animated feature

My Neighbour Totoro

Other films came to mind, including Spirited Away, and the Fox and the Hound. Right now though, I'd like a Totoro. Earlier I was thinking about how one film, or one thing, can be the best in one situation, and not be right for another. Today is a Totoro day.

Having a Totoro in the garden right now would be great. I'd cuddle into its furry belly and fall asleep. It would probably wake with a ROOOOOAAAAAWWWWRRRRR and frighten the life out of me, but then there would be giggling. And that would be nice.
It's a more muted tone film than anything by Disney, and seems more dreamlike, and perhaps more realistic because of it.

For anyone not having come across it as a film - its Studio Ghibli - beautiful Anime. Its a film with kids in it - so... arguably a kids film - but viewed as an adult, you get both the adult, and the childlike reaction to the events as they unfold. Your reactions now to a mum in hospital, and what you would have felt as a child. You also get the sadness as it emerges that you can only see the Totoro at a certain age, now long since past.

The crazy beast of the Totoro, its smaller minions, and the CatBus all weave through the human story, making it possible without the adults knowing.

You also get a lesson in the ages of Anime -

1. The small girl. Big head. Big mouth. Short and chubby.
2. The older girl. Head more in proportion. Mouth only big when acting childishly. Longer and leaner.
3. The mother. Proportionate, calm, slender.
4. The crone. Short and round. Big features, eyes and mouth - the return to childhood.

I'll try not to be sad that I can't see the Totoro. It's there. I just cant see it.

Day 6: Favorite horror

2011-05-05T00:16:00.002+01:00

Day 6: Favorite horror

Favourite horror... do I have one I wonder? You would think I would.. but yet again, I am second, and triple guessing my genre definitions...

hmm

Fuckit. This ones a cracker... if only I could remember the name. Had on while I google...

The Haunting!

Yes.. its a bit rubbishy.. but its also a bit epic. First watched this years and years ago on my own, in the dark, in the middle of the night. At the end, got up to go brush my teeth, in the dark ran into my dad, who had also been watching it, but downstairs. I jumped and yelled. He jumped and yelled. My mam who was asleep woke up and yelled. Excellent.

The film itself is creepy. Definate moments to make you jump. Some beautiful ideas, and some excellent special effects. Liam Neeson is always a draw, and in this - as good as ever.

With all haunted house stories, you have to wonder why the hell they dont just leave. At least in this they try to. You are left wanting them to have tried harder... but, thems the breaks.

I would love to have a water filled corridor with piles of books as steppingstones.

Its not the bloodfilled horror - those, in all honesty, I dont really have much time for. Theres only so many pints of cornsyrup you can see before you get bored, and once you have seen hooks pulling at skin that looks like it came off your xmas stocking tangerine, or wasps crawling all over a bathroom mirror, I dont really need to see it again. I dont want a horror to shock and repulse me. I want it to horrify me.. make me scared to go to bed because of what the bed might turn into, not because there is an escaped nightmare demon hiding under it.

Day 5: Favorite action

2011-05-02T19:52:00.002+01:00

Day 5: Favorite action

Gah... another tough one. Hrmmm...

First one that came to mind.. Die Hard... but.. not the first.

Die Hard III, DieHard with a Venegeance.

Got pretty much all you could want from an action film.

Bruce Willis in a vest.

Jeremy Irons in a vest.

And I'm pretty sure.. a glimpse of... Samuel L Jackson in a vest.

Its a vest fest!

Theres cars... trucks.. reverse badge number reading.. gold bars.. trains... massive tunnels.. vats of explosive goo.. I could go on.

Of course.. its not the most cerebral of plots. But it is a compelling one. Yet again John Mclaine has buggered things up with wifey... is in a vest and hung over. This time theres an evil puppet master with a grudge.. or is it yet again all about the money? Nah.. its BOTH! One vicious woman with a knife later and theres plenty of the red stuff around to slip on, courtesy of the one dumb guard with a shotgun who really should have let the money go. Not like he was going to get a gold bar on retirement. Smattering of racism, bit of sammich board walking and off we go.. several destinations to reach, a puzzle or two to solve along the way - one of which - the water container one - ranks up there with the talking doors of the labyrinth in its mindbogglingness. The double, the triple, the quadruple cross amps up the - it's ok I can watch this without feeling guilty coz theres a plot - but its just that. Amping up what is already a very watchable film. Car chases. Truck chases. Boat chases?

Yippy Kai Yay MutherFucker!

Day 4: Favorite drama

2011-04-26T23:52:00.002+01:00

Day 4: Favorite drama

hrmm....

Difficult.

What the hell is drama, compared to anything else.... hrmmm....

Drama.... Drama... Drama.. Drama.

Perfume.

Thats nice and Drama..y. It's got Alan Rickman in too!

Its the adaptation of the book, and its a pretty good adaptation really. Not a lot in it that makes your teeth itch with what they have left out / changed - for that you can watch the latest Harry Potter.
Beautifully shot, some amazing effects, not something to be expected in a film like this, but the crumple of a particular building is spot on. The exploration of the intricacies of the main character are dulled from the book, but its a hard thing to get across in film I suppose, especially when the narrator is external.

The films kinda special to me for two reasons.
My friend leant me the book. I still have it, but no longer have the friend. Bittersweet. More Bitter than sweet.
I tried to watch the film so many times the summer before last. Back when I was working in the library, I would borrow it each weekend, and invariably, fall asleep, exhausted and dizzy before the end. Poor Ducko has seen the film a lot. When I eventually got to see the end. It was just right. Not altered, not made Hollywood happy, just the right happy for the character it fit.

It should suit you if you like a bit of humanity, wrapped up in beautiful surroundings, with an orgy thrown in to boot.

Love it.

Day 3: Favorite comedy

2011-04-25T00:31:00.003+01:00

Day 3: Favorite comedy

DOGMA!!!

wow... on Easter.. well, monday now.
Another I am unlikely ever to watch again.. heh... this list is really REALLY opening up just how messed up I am!

Still, the film, is so funny, you may need to pack spare clothes.

Any film with Alan Rickman is worth a watch, in this, he is The Voice... and as such can neither imbibe alcohol, or have genetalia.

It also has the BEST, most realistic scene ever, a glimpse into the true and natural reaction any stoner who likes to think they are wise in the way of the world would have, when confronted with fallen angels having their wings ripped off and Alanis Morisette as GOD shrieking so that everyone arounds head explodes.

Truly excellent. Who wouldnt want to get to know the Buddy Christ, eat at Moobys, or carve a Voodoo figure out of an onion, or watch Salma in her pink bra lolita dance.

Oh, and Silent Bob speaks.

Rockin.

Day 2: Least favorite film

2011-04-21T17:09:00.002+01:00

Day 2: Least favorite film

Hrmm... well this is tough. Because, well if you have a least favourite film.. why on earth would you watch it? For this reason, I will have to go with one that was inflicted on me last Christmas I think it was.

Mamma Mia.

Dont get me wrong, I love Abba. yeah I said it. But the film.. oh the film... is enough to make you wish your nails were made of something stronger so you could actually peel your skin off to distract you. Not to besmirch what to many must be a great fun enjoyable film. Its just not for me. For songs that have meaning to be made trite by a flimsy love story, played out by people you just cant believe in is a shame.

I'm adding on another 2001 a Space whatever. Awful. Dull Dull Dull, with such a violently awful ambient soundtrack it made my head hurt till I cried. Yuck.

Day 1: Favorite film

2011-04-20T00:35:00.002+01:00

Obviously this isnt going to be the 30 day movie challenge in 30 days.. we all know Im far from that organised and disciplined.

But anyway.. here goes.

Day 1: Favorite film

My favourite film, is The Crow.

I watched this with friends on what still stands as my best birthday ever. many Many.. oh crikey... disturbingly many birthdays ago.. shit... 10? really? yikes. Well, there was a reuniting with a friend.. one who again is unable to be in my life.. for too long a time now for me to bear to think about.. but this post is about the film. The film is amazing.. I love it, and it may always be my favourite film. It will stay that way because I can't watch it. Memories that make me want to not be here well up like toxic burning tar layered with petrol in my chest the milisecond I let myself think about why I can't watch it. So I will try very hard to get away from that again now.. Back to the times I can stand to remember. The film is beautiful, a totaly fantasy for the twisted darkness. The soundtrack is amazing.. Brandon Lee... so beautiful, and the film was his last. Taking his life. Top Dollar. My ideal villan. The voice of silk on gravel. Blood on shattered glass.
The film is a delight. Its sequels... despite one having Iggy Pop.. dont cut it. The more numbers, or words added to the title, the less it means. Don't watch them. Pour yourself a glass of red wine, keep the bottle handy.. Keep your Gun on the coffee table... turn off the lights.. and watch this.

Word of the whatever

2011-03-24T23:39:00.002Z

new title.. snappy eh?

word of the whatever is....

Heh.

Not the most... throughbred of words. But I use it a lot. Meh too.. which I suppose is almost its antonym. It's a good reaction. Doesn't give too much away, doesn't show all your cards, yet is a good deal better at communicating vocal feelings than a blank stare. A blank stare is hard to pull off through a computer screen.

Ooh.. that reminds me, years before the rick roll there was a fun email that went around stating that new technology made it possible for computer monitors to take an image of whoever was sitting at them, simply from the light levels reflected from their faces. Of course you tried it. You stared at the screen like it told you to. You waited. And waited. Until the picture of a monkey scratching its head in confusion filled the screen. Very funny. But I digress.

The 'Heh' of today was brought on by an event I was not even at. Ducko had a meet and greet with some bookish folk, and one who turned down a story of mine for their publication was there, so he went and poked at it. They actually remembered the story.

Hence my reaction. 'Heh'
Followed up in short order by 'Sure... just like all great fraud psychics KNOW the people you are related to who have passed on.'

But apparently, not the case. They actually did remember it. Still didn't want it... but remembered it. That's something anyway. *tries not to think.. well dictators and mass murderers are remebered but not wanted as well* Damn brain hates me.

Word of the...

2011-03-15T23:45:00.002Z

Yeah...

Word of the... is

Chalk

I like it. I like it less in captials. But I still like it. Chalk. It's a weird one. Like talk with a different start - obviously - It's nice to say.

Ch.. all.. kuh or even Ch.. awl.. kuh. If you are feeling extravagant. It's not really the extravagant word type.. though it has got distinct middle class paint colour tendancies these days. It's nice to imagine a rather posh teacher saying it. She's posh, but wearing red lipstick and matching nailvarnish. Of course, she makes you bang the dusters.. no euphamism intended.

Chalk's useful.. not the nasty screechy kind on old painted blackboards.

well damn. there goes life interrupting what was going to be a nice reminisce about different kinds of chalk and the effect they have on the back of your neck.
People just arent nice. Ok.. some people.

le sigh.

Wrods

2011-03-09T00:33:00.002Z

Yes.. it's spelled wrong up there. Because the word... is...

tired

I have no real business being tired.. aside from the overnight on sunday leading into a reasonably busy yesterday. Today has been lazy, aside from making all those pancakes. Yes, its 12.35 now. But that doesn't usually make much of a difference. I'm at the 'forehead heavy... eyelids achey.. contact lenses drying out' kinda stage. It won't last. Partially because there is so much to do to go to bed. I know there isn't really. I could just turn around and climb into bed. BUT... theres the teeth to clean so the scary dentist is less scary, theres the contacts to take out or they weld to my eyes by morning, theres the whole getting undressed thing because while sleeping in what you have been wearing all day isnt the worst thing in the world.. its not the best either. Theres also the kettle to boil... hot water bottle to empty and fill and the hot oat thing to put in the microwave - yes it is THAT cold here. I can't currently feel anything but numb below my ankles. Oh, and I have to pee. Is that everything? Nope. forgot filling my drink bottle. That and I have just finished a mug of coffee. And no. I couldn't have done all that in the time it took to write it all.

Ok...
Bedtime.

Perhaps.. word of the week would be more realistic?

2011-03-01T00:03:00.002Z

I'm rubbish. I know. Meh...

Word of the day/ week is taken from a random flicking through 'The worlds best Tattoo' magazine

Unmarked

In this context.. a bit of an abberation, the whole publication in honour of inked skin at its best - and.. looking at some of the pics... its worst. Perhaps.. its a nice thing to be unmarked. Not sure how possible it is though. Certainly its easy enough to avoid the buzzy fun of the stabby needle - even easier to avoid the needles on sticks tap tap tapping a design.. but I'd guess noone makes it through unmarked. So.. for those who like to wear their hearts on their half or full sleeves, and for those who keep their marks on the inside.. its all the same, just a matter of aesthetics and privacy?

Word of the Day

2011-02-23T18:12:00.002Z

Today brought to you from a random flicking through Stephen Schieber's book Being Normal. And what a doozy. A Hyphenated word for the first Word of the day!

Biddy-Woman

From this I'm guessing something along the lines of the old biddy. The one with the hair in curlers, net ontop to keep the hair thieves out. The pinny on, scrubbing the doorstep. Some 1970's throwback to the 40's when people actually cared that their steps were clean. Before they got bombed. And started talking about the war while paying for food with luncheon vouchers. Somewhere, she'll have one of those plastic strip curtains on a doorway to keep the flies out of the front room that noone ever sits in. Is she lonely? Is she happy? Bet that step's spotless.

Snappy Blue Ears... and a gob of phlegm

2011-01-10T22:19:00.002Z

Yes.. Im delightful.
No new story just yet, the mood hasn't taken me that way in a while, which makes the blog less interesting I know. There were trees to make decorations for, and then to decorate, people to be ill, including me... Ive been pretty gross, and as the doctor said "Quite Rattley". I've learned three somewhat interesting things lately though.

1. You can be suprised when you go to laugh and your lungs decide to fill your mouth with goo.

2. You can wake yourself up choking for air you have been coughing so much in your sleep - which, while unpleasant and a bit terrifying - is better than not waking up

3. I can make a balloon animal Giraffe. And did so while I worked over the passage into the new year. He is called Garibaldi. There may be a picture to follow.

I hope the new year is still happy for you.

Modern Xmas

2010-11-19T16:12:00.002Z

Crowds wait for their Communion, a sample of Rose wine.
Lines of people wait to shake hands with the Chip and Pin device.
Songs that once had meaning are now background noise.

God Bless the inventors of the Internet. For saving me from murdering swathes of shoppers with eyes blinkered. Seeing only what they might buy that they don't need, cutting out all surrounding humanity, etiquette and common sense. Christmas shouldn't make me as bloodthirsty as this!

Just imagine a silent night. Away from the crowds. With all you want to give your nearest and dearest dropping onto the mat in the morning. Courtesy of the champion postman. The new Santa Claus.

it's late

2010-11-18T00:12:00.002Z

Yup.. it's late.
For the first ish time in a while I'm writing on here stuff I haven't written out vaguely in my notebook in advance. Straight from the brain folks, straight from the brain.. through the fingers.
I'm tired. Overnights and days, day off today, most of which i have been helping other people through their situations, and messing about making xmas presents. When I should have been recuperating for work. ah well.. hopefully it will all be fine. Im tired. Not tired enough for bed. Too much to do to go to bed. Need to clear stuff off it for a start. then go boil the kettle for the hot waterbottle so I can sleep because its not TOO cold anymore. Brushy Teeths. Needs to do that. Have been eating toblerone. Naughty. Need to replace things on the Ipod.. will do that now. Listening to two harry potter CDs, the same two, as I fall asleep for the last few months from sheer laziness did not help us win the harry potter quiz yesterday. The SHAME. First Harry Potter quiz Ive ever done that I havent won. To be fair.. Im not great at anagrams, and that was one round. Potions... well. Who wouldnt want to be in detention with Snape for not doing so well? grr.. still grates. I wanted to WIN.
There you go. Some whatever its called writing... precognative? The one where you just blurt thoughts without thinking.. that one. Missing my story now arentcha?

Part Five.. the end

2010-11-12T16:44:00.007Z

Beckoning the pair on, the group of metal men, added to by the footballer, walk on. Heading away from the rhythmic beat of the stadium they return to the crowded streets, filled with people so fixed they seemed to have become their own gravestones. Walking through the maze of humans they pass by a coffee shop, the women pausing, both addicts. The apparent leader of the metal men looks over to them.
"Why are you stopping?"
The women look longingly through the darkened glass of the door, then back to their statue.
"Could we stop here a moment? Just to grab a drink?" Asks the one with, a soft note of pleading in her voice.
"We would just be a minute.. hopefully" adds the one without.
"Drink?" The statue's face worked into a vaguely puzzled expression.
Simultaneously the pair do the same mime of drinking, and their companions roar with laughter.
"Ahh.." The first statue looks up at the sky, as if gauging the time by the light remaining in it. "Very well, but be swift."
The two push the door open, and head inside before the realisation hits them, their eyes falling on those behind the counter... who was going to make the coffee?
"We could have filter.." murmurs the one without as a series of low clunks behind them signalled each of their guides pressing their faces against the glass of the window, peering in at them.
Moving forward, mindful of the statue's request for them to hurry, they step around the static queue, and around the counter. Looking around and maneuvering between the barristas they look at the coffee machine in a whole new light. The gurgle of the peculator continued as they searched to find what they needed to make their drinks.
"No soy latte today then." Joked the one with, just as a burst of steam issued from the large and complex machine on the counter, making them jump. It's copper surface gleaming in the artificial light, the human tendency to search for faces in all things showed the pair nothing, but this machine was none-the-less currently alive.
Reaching tentatively they fill jugs with milk and soy, pushing them toward the machine, it's tubes and pipes stretch and grasp the jugs, it's lights flashing in sequence, dials turn, switches flip and buttons pop in and out as the machine sputters and gurgles. Filling the takeaway cups with their perfectly heated drinks they reach over the outstretched hand of the barrista and drop money into the open draw of the till. Making their way out of the shop they sip from cups adorned with mermaids using their tails to flap and fan themselves in the heat.
Continuing on down the main street with more purpose than ever after this delay, the metal guides lead them faster, the noise of their heavy feet echoing off walls and stony shoppers. Turning a corner they face the cathedral, the living bells clanging in the tower calling a new congregation to service as their unusual group, in surroundings both familiar and surreal, join the crowd before the doors. The ironwork on the heavy ancient wood twisted and unfurled new scrolls, curling and melding together before growing again apart as the doors swing open, candlelight flooding the waiting faces of stone, metal and skin.
Entering from the twilight the crowd spills forward, filling the cathedral with bodies of such different sizes, colours and materials. Some sit carefully in the pews while others, too large to fit, remain standing. All waiting with palpable anticipation, though they had no breath to hold.
Softly at first, a low hum builds into music, growing louder, a tune swelling from the organ with no organist, joined by a choir of voices, not from the congregation, but from the cathedral itself. Voices from all around, baritones and tenors, the notes pouring from mouths of stony saints, castraltos from the wooden carved cherubim of the choir screen. The beautiful cacophony of the refrain was joined by altos and sopranos from the stained glass, as the congregation themselves began to sing. They sang of their creation, of forms emerging from ore, from stone, from wood. The emotion from each artist having flowed into their works through each chisel, mallet and brush. The one with and the one without watch and listen in awe as the singing continues, carved plants and fruit on the pews growing and blooming in delight as the eagle of the lectern stretches it's wings, the gold flashing dazzlingly in the candlelight...
The small group from the monument by the station led the pair back the way they had come, back to their own homes on the plinth. Carefully each shook each hand, flesh and bone clasped in living metal. They climb back to their places without a word, just a knowing glance as they resume their old positions. The last rays of light sliding from the face of the winking smiling sun atop the insurance building take all it's radiance and life. As the last strains of music from the cathedral are drowned by traffic noise the pair are jostled by a passerby in a hurry. Looking to each other and up to the statues they link arms and smile at their erstwhile guides and turn to walk away, the one without muttering..
"Next time, I'm bringing my damn camera.."

Part four - its my birthday, so be nice.

2010-10-31T21:47:00.005Z

Walking up through the streets the odd group weaves in and out of the forest of immovable bodies. Some with limbs entwined at the elbow, or with fingers linked in their own untieable knot, bound together far more firmly than they could have imagined.
Passing a charity shop, the window display dances, the no longer needed, but once much loved wedding gown, it's beaded bodice shimmering with movement, small pearl beads twitching as the crafted designs, sewn into place with such care, flow along their threads, encased but unconstrained as the gown and suit waltz again behind the glass.
The metal men beckon the pair on as the one with stops to take pictures of the dance. Catching a glimpse of the one without's shoulder as she turns back to take another look, the tattoo there moving more than the motion of her turn would suggest.
"Wait!" calls the one with, stepping behind her friend and pulling at the material of her shirt, exposing more of the inked design on her skin.
"Look!" she cries, finding yet more amazement in this latest revelation. The inked crows and magpies caught in flight that adorned the back of the one without were now flapping their wings and staring back with bright eyes, full of life as they swooped and flew across the skin of their sky. Straining her neck she struggles to see the artwork so painfully gained now flowing so smoothly.
Their metal guides pause, looking for themselves at this new phenomenon, the discovery of the two. Clearly this was not something they had seen before, nor ever expected.
Moving on now with purpose, a low grinding noise pervades the air, subtle and rhythmic. Heading higher into the town, past shops crammed with the solid human forms, caught up in their shopping and in themselves. So busy, so silent, only the beat of metallic noise that was growing louder at each step.
Rounding the corner they come upon the road to the football ground. The statue in bronze of the best and most loved player of old, moved here to the obscurity of the access road after a home on the main street of the town led to the expense of replacing the ball almost weekly after visits from drunken souvenir hunters. The favoured man only met the crowds now on matchdays, and was left to the security of loneliness for the rest of the week.
The hero of so many matches grinned as he leapt down from the plinth, light on his bronze feet, catching up the heavy ball and headding it with a resounding clang. The old restrained movements of the veteran player doing keepy-ups, each contact with the ball a thud, a ring from an old bell, an addition to the ever louder grinding metallic crunch that was filling the air.
Catching the ball he grins, nodding in the direction of the football ground itself. The pair turn, following the direction of his gaze, looking over the heads of their guides to the huge looming structure. The stands, their metal ribcage dominating the skyline throughout the town. As the day shifted toward twilight, lights flared on for a match, illuminating the source of the constant noise. The metal beams that made the ground so recognisable were stretching, breathing, reaching up into the sky in celebration of existence, concertinaing in on themselves as the women watched, agape, the heartbeat of the city.

Part three.. told you Id get to it.

2010-10-25T23:02:00.000+01:00

The statues lead the pair through the streets, winding their heavy footed way between the bodies of the living, frozen in place. Pausing, the metal men gawped at their fleshy counterparts. Aping their expressions and poses, in a manner so familiar to the two's own experience that the first wave of shock at their situation began to subside.
Reaching out, they touch the faces of the living, their skin still warm, though as much from the the sun now as as from their own heat. Their skin soft, but solid, no give. Now fleshtoned marble, granite, bronze. Looking around at their impossible hosts, their greenish faces showed no sign of surprise at the women's reactions, merely amusement.
The low griding voice rumbled into speech again as he elbowed his fellow with a dull thud. "Anyone would think they hadn't seen statues before."
A low chuckle fell from the mouths of the metal men as they start to move on again, beckoning to the only humans capable of following.
Follow they do, away from the station toward some of the stranger statues in town. The three larger than life men, one usually propped improbably on one elbow, his entire weight supported and held up on the joint. He was now sitting on his plinth, his two companions bent to console him as he nursed his swollen arm. Crying out in pain as he straightened the limb, a soft cloud of concrete dust carrying with the shout from his mouth to swirl away in the breeze.
Shaking their heads, the metal men gesture the women to follow. The one without pushing her camera deeper into her bag. Neither of them wanted to remember the agony on the created face, neither would have needed a photograph to help them. Some things become etched that quickly.
Seeing the faces of their guests fall the metal men reach out their hands and gently press them forward. As they walk, the carvings on the buildings ripple, carved waves flowing along pediments, casting up stretching starfish and scallops snapping in their living stone, tumbling back into the solid yet ever shifting sea. Gently but firmly their metallic guides led them on, up through the town. Past buildings with plaster busts arguing and chatting, and casting judgement on the appearance of those standing below.

still not it..

2010-10-25T20:36:00.000+01:00

Nope, still not it. But I had to share this from the book I am reading, to make you thankful for modern medicine.

There is no mention of what this very real French remedy of the 1500's was for, but it states..

Take 2 new-born puppies, 1 pound of earthwortms, 2 pounds of lillies, 16 ounces of Venice turpentine, 1 ounce aqua vitae.
Boil the puppies (alive) in the oil. Add the worms which have been drowned in white wine. Boil and strain. Add the other ingredients.

I think we can all agree, mean and ew.

Oh, and I did wake up in time for work today. I woke up at least 6 times. Each time thinking I was late. I know I woke up from four separate dreams in which I was already doing the work I was waking up to be late for. I dislike early mornings. Although the sky was very pretty.

...

2010-10-24T22:24:00.000+01:00

no next bit of the story yet... I will get to it... promise

Theres just a fair bit of dizziness around at the moment...
A certain building where I work decided to vibrate all day saturday, and that does me a lot more harm than good.
There is an 8am start tomorrow in what had been a day off... Im continually told to think of the money - and I'm trying.
I need my bloody left contact lens sorted as its buggering up, slightly blurry is no fun for me.
Theres a massive tidy needs done. Working, I dont have the luxury of having enough days after an epic to recover, and piecemeal I'm getting nowhere.. slowly. Perhaps after the opticians on thursday... then I have till Monday at least to recover.. although that time frame does include two birthdays.. one of which is my own.

I'll think on things tomorrow.. I'll see where things are going. Once I've woken up that is.. 8am.. ffs...

Part two

2010-10-19T18:19:00.000+01:00

Leaning closer into her hug of the statue, the one without moves to press a kiss to it's cheek. As her lips brush the cold of the metal, reality shifts, and so does her statue seat, and metal lips, chapped with veridgris, press a kiss to her cheek in return.
The one with jumps as her statuesque seat also moves, stretching and uncrossing his legs. The pair look at each other, fighting back screams, seeing in each other's eyes that they are suffering from the same hallucination, or are falling down the same rabbit hole.
Looking from each other to their surroundings, by instinct they are stilled, despite the natural reaction to jump up and run away wailing when the thing you were sitting on comes to life. Besides.. where would they run to now? The world around them had changed beyond any normal recognition.
The few people who had been walking nearby were far from gone, they were rooted to the spot, their motion halted, some mid-step, legs now jutting, oddly bent in the air, as solid as oak, as still as statues... if the statues themselves were not now moving.
With a single touch, the two dumbstruck women were transformed into little girls by the terror and magic of the situation. Lifted from their seats on the statues' laps they were set down gently by hands much larger than any in life.
Reaching out to grasp onto each other, both friends' hands met with a touch colder than human flesh. In this world, it would seem that life as they knew it, was unheard of.
Lifting cold fingertips to press against the even colder spot on her cheek where the statue's lips had touched, the one without looks up into the now mobile and expressive face of the statue and stammers... "H..how?"
Gripping tightly to her friends hand, the one with's face clearly but silently echos the question.
A slow smile spreads acropss the lips of the two statues as they clamber down from their stone seats, their own eyes meeting with great amusement as they are joined by their fellows from the other corners of the monument.
A loud, earth shattering crash resounds as the largest figure atop the plinth jumps to earth. Straightening slowly he speaks in a low rumble of a voice, like pistons in heavy machinery, groaning into life after long neglect..
"You have seen glimpses of our world... we have observed this. Now, you shall see all we can show"
Turning, the statues beckon the pair to follow. Still gripping hands, the one with scoops up her bag and camera, the one without's gaze falling on the cracked and broken paving slab where the statue landed. Squeezing her friends hand she murmurs as they hurry after the statues "Do you suppose that's how they all get broken?"

Summat else...

2010-10-17T23:46:00.000+01:00

"Damn..."
"Hello.?."
"Oh! Hello there... Look. I'm terribly sorry, I seem to have stepped in something here."
"Stepped in something?"
"Yes... Something.. sticky. Oh goodness, it's all over my foot!"
"All over your foot you say? Oh dear, that must be inconvenient."
"Oh inconvenient yes, not to mention embarrassing! You just wouldn't credit it, I come through here, its such a nice place, and something like this has to happen."
"I really wouldn't worry about it my dear fellow, such things happen all the time."
"All the time? In here? You amaze me."
"Oh yes, all the time. You have nothing to be embarrassed about I assure you."
"Well then, that's something at least. Do you work here?"
"Work here?"
"Do you?"
"My dear fellow, I designed this place."
*sighs*
"You see? I will embarrass myself one way or another. Did you really design this place? It is simply magnificent you know.. stickiness aside. I am terribly sorry, should I know your name? Are you famous?"
"Very kind of you to say so.. but if you will excuse me.. I'm running late for my lunch."
"Oh please? Just a few moments! The design is so incredible.. your use of form and structure.. it is surely unsurpassed, I have never seen it's equal! Can't you tell me where you find your inspiration?"
"Well... "
"Please?"
*sighs*
"It is all about the function my dear chap, the form follows the function. My work is always, always functional, and as you can see, it's form is pleasing, and it functions well."
"Oh! Yes! Yes... ah.. indeed. Unparalleled beauty in functional form... but... can you just tell me about th..."
*A muffled cry... a soft squeak... and the spider trusses the fly up in silk before crawling back to the centre of it's web.*

A story, inspired by a day with my B. Part 1.

2010-10-12T12:08:00.000+01:00

The two friends had been out, walking, talking. One taking photographs, the other having left her camera at home. A shared passion, photographs. Both loving the unexpected beauty in the carved, the unlooked for, the unloved, the unintended.
Crossing the busy road from the shell of the building being eaten away by time and the march for progress, for more housing that would be hard for most to afford, for more shops few would visit, for offices while so many lay abandoned in the rest of the city, their concrete and glass no longer en-vogue. They walked towards the monument, adorned with statues of great men of the past. Perhaps once an awe inspiring roundabout, admired by those in horse and carriage on their way to and from the grandest railway station in the country. Celebrating the modern, the innovative, the new, now consigned to verdigris,traffic fumes and grafitti. Out of place, but immovable, a thing in the way, to be driven around with care as it blocked the view of oncoming traffic. An obstacle.
The two stop, dumping their bags on the lowest step, looking up at the statues, blinking against the rays of the sun shining past them.
"I've always wanted to climb up there and sit on the knee of one of them.." she pauses, grinning "Yanno, just sit there. see if anyone notices."
The other grins back and climbs the first step, the first hopping up after, the pair of them looking at the height of the next step.
"Second thoughts.. I'm not sure I can jump up there without falling off."
The girl with the camera, looks quizzically at the step, then around. The girl without does likewise, partners in some semi-imagined crime, already looking around for police who may not think the game so fun.
"Go on!" encouraged the girl without as the other rested her hands behind her on the ledge, nonchallantly, nothing to see here.. then she pulls herself up and gives the statue nearest her a hug, as the girl without reaches for her friends camera, fumbling with the flash to counter the low autumnal rays of brilliance from behind the monument..
Giggling, she wraps the camera back in its case and drops it into her friend's bag, looking around to check none of the few passers by had any hats or stabvests she scrambles up beside the statue on the other corner, turning to sit on the lap of the once shiny copper man, the friends grin and wave at each other. In itself, their enjoyment another degredation of the monument, of the great men's achievements. Did the statues mind? Did they care? Did they know?
It would seem not, that they did.. and oh, most certainly.

Terrifying discovery

2010-10-03T22:55:00.000+01:00

When you tell someone something... theres a way you would want them to react.

Right?

Right.

Herein lies the terrible terrifying discovery...
My dad... tells jokes. Bad jokes. They may seem unfeeling. They arent - but to those not in the know, I know, they seem that way.
My mam... gets huggy. Overly huggy, in a mam's true form of I will hug you till it all goes away.

Neither of these ways sits right with me.

The jokes can seem hard - they mask feelings.
but...
I joke with my dad in the crematorium about whether it would be bad form to ask to have the heating turned up.

I shrug off my mam and tell her to leave me be...
but...
sometimes I dont want the hug to end.

Now.. to the revelation.

Neither way sits right... its the combination. The overly huggy with the overly self defensive and barriered. Its the combination thats wanted. Walking up the stairs tonight, with the jokes still echoing and the feel of the hug still warm... Is it me?

I joke, and I hug. So do they both... but more to extremes. Am I the middle way?
Am I what I need?

Fuck.

Thats bloody terrifying.

Stuff... continued

2010-09-30T13:56:00.000+01:00

Not that i know if there has been another stuff post.. but there is always stuff.. and here it continues.

Im cold.

I also have a cold. So I am hot. like.. tshirt at this time of year hot - here that is no picnic. Not with the weather like it is. I don't claim to have the flu. People who have the flu can't get out of bed. I just have a cold. But its not a nice cold. its one where your insides are all hot. and your outsides fluctuate between being hot, and being icy. Except for my feet. We have hit the time of year where I no longer feel them, they are so cold.
Wouldnt it be nice if we changed colour with the temperature we are, like those global hypercolour tshirts.. rememeber them? They used to sell them at C&A... ah the memories. I loved their door handles. The tshirts were great. People I saw buying the leggings however, I always doubted their sanity as well as their fashion sense.
I mean changing colour like - a chameleon - they still can right? All the info about why they do and why they dont has got me confused if they do at all.

Ive been thinking about old books today. I even tried to find if they were available online.. with no success. I mean the old hardback ladybird books. Two in particular I loved. The first, The Tinderbox. Second, The Ice Queen. I loved those books. Theres also one about people who are flowers, which was beautiful, but thats about all I remember about it, that and its dark blue aura. There was another. But... being me, Ive forgotten what it was from knowing it well at the start o this paragraph. Oh yus. Imma genius.

Im also now trying to think where my old diary is. I need to prove Ducko wrong about when our anniversary is. Not that I need the book for proof, as his logic about when it is is fatally flawed. but yanno.. Id kinda like to know when it was as well. But looking, other than the general looking around I'm doing now, will involve moving.. and moving things. And my nailvarnish isnt 100% dry yet. Im cold.
Im Tired. Do you think I could take a duvet in to work and noone would mind? Sadly its not dress down day till tomorrow... or I think I might. Ugh. 8 hours of working with a headcold and the rest of my body a shivvering or boiling hot mess. Working till midnight. Thats like, a whole extra day on top of the one thats already here.
Been trying to work out what to take, as theres the funeral tomorow. Need smartness. Need to organise. Need to hunt down and educate designers that you do NOT have pockets ending at the widest part of the leg, as it makes any ass look huge. Mine SERIOUSLY doesnt need that kinda help. Will wear smart black coat I think... Need to find it.. possibly dust or hoover it... Want to see if Primarni has the one that was in the magazine in yet... I did like that. Didnt have it in yesterday when i got up stupidly early before work to go in and look... meaning I got soaked in the rain... humph. Ah well times getting on, gotta sort stuff, bag up the bag, and the bag. put it in the bag. see if the cakes fit... water, drugs, money,drugs,food, drugs.. Im gonna fkn rattle when I walk.

Bad Week

2010-09-21T23:35:00.000+01:00

Yes.. both words capitalised. It's been THAT kind of week so far. And it's still only Tuesday.

It started yesterday. Monday. Weeks usually do.

Yesterday was fairly meh... I argued with a few self-righteous arse licking yes men bastards who like to contradict and criticise everything I say. They do this I think because they are aware of what they are and deep down they dont like it and are too cowardly to change coz that would mean losing their position. Thats me being nice about it as well. Its entirely possible that trying to make me look like the bad guy at each occasion just makes them look better to people they agree with. That they are cold heartless bastards. Could be... I digress.

I won't talk much about what happened next. Not my place really. Ducko had some bad news. A death. The loss of a friend. I would have like to have called him my friend too. I helped him reconnect with someone he had 'lovely chats' with once. He's gone. He's missed. I feel awful for my Ducko.

Today... I hear that the one person who a situation with made me want to check out - permenantly - has shown up again. I hope it's a one off. I hope its a fluke. I can't deal with that. I just can't. Thinking about it makes me sick. The skin becomes a shell again, but theres no hiding from whats already inside. I hate that I feel this way. I hate crying about it. I hate Ducko having to see. I'm sorry. The worst case scenario here isn't that I'd lose a lot of money - that matters less than the feeling I would actually ruin myself again. Not to mention my PC.

So, thats the week that was.... and still is. I hope it gets better from here. And hopings not something I do often. hopping... even less often. Id fall over.

Bloo?

2010-09-17T17:32:00.000+01:00

Ok... so this, is the water around the Civic Centre... For some reason, they seem to have put Bloo toilet cleaner in it. Perhaps to clean it? Or just to kill all the birds and bunnies that must drink from there. Perhaps they want teals next year rather than ducks - yes, that was a colouring animals joke. But really... why is the water this colour? Its not like you can tell except at the very edges. It certainly doesnt look healthy. I worry for the creatures that must use it to drink from. I should've looked at the other water nearby, the fountain with the swans, but I was running late. Soon perhaps. Ugh. Silly council. What are you upto now?

2010-09-15T15:30:00.000+01:00

meh.
Not meh about the picture. I like the picture.
Just...

Meh

Banal status updates

2010-09-10T19:56:00.000+01:00

No one can hurt you or make you feel inferior without your consent!

Thus sayeth the status update of a friend of mine. Now... I admit, perhaps I am cowardly but not saying what Im going to say here on there. You know where.. that publication of the front of your head. But we arent THAT good friends. So I feel more mean being mean to her, than to closer friends... who know I'm well meaning... if a bit of a grinch today...
So...

No one can hurt you or make you feel inferior without your consent!

OhRly? Tell that to victims of Stabbings... Rapes...Abuses... Murders...

Dumbass. Oh... sorry.. some people may forget or just not know how much I detest things like this. Well.. thats that cleared up anyway.

Carry on.

Just for B

2010-09-05T23:15:00.000+01:00

Dun't go giving up on me. I'm still here.. just all busied and stuffs.

anyhoo... heres an example of why im apparently like James Joyce - not all me, it's an ongoing convo with another... Il be ***... erm... enjoy?

*** hovers in the darkness.. waiting and watching.. grown weary of the lack of success the messengers had had in drawing you out.. compounding what she sees as your cowardice in not facing her, regardless of what she did to those you call family.. or what she had them do... she had waited.. following your vague instructions as to where you resided.. watching always here or when she was off cutting and burning and terrorising the minds of your friends.. feeding from them, replenishing her strength, waiting for you to emerge.. as you do she smiles in the darkness, lips parting over long lupine fangs as she emerges, keeping to the shadows, floating noiselessly a small distance above the ground.. flexing her fingers her gaze focusses on the back of your head.. all her concentration on you and your surroundings...as tense as an animal in the seconds before running at its prey she growls low.. "The time has come.."

XXXX emerged from his home with a stretch, he had locked himself in his lab with the idea od resolving the riddle of Tonga's dagger once and for all...and with *** on the loose in mental shambles, he felt it was a better use of his time. Someone from the family would deal with the lunatic and save him from wasting his own power on it.
It wasn't long before he set foot out the door that he felt a chill and began scanning the area. He knew the chill had little or nothing to do with the temperature. He thought he heard a low growl nearby and he tensed as he pondered popping back into the lab to grab something useful to stave off any intruder. He mumbled to himself "you still around crazy lady....nobody done locked you up yet?" as he felt the darkness creep over his skin like a foul breeze.

*** floats along behind you, eyes seeming to bore into the back of your head so intense was her gaze... moving between you and the door you had exited, she had no desire to wait further for you to be cooped up in your dwelling... the leather restraints that were all that was left of the straightjacket touched down lightly on the ground as she hovers.. catching your murmur on the still air she mimics your accent.. her knowlegde of you, even in this state, enhanced by what she has been told by those she has power over, those she has hurt to draw you out, those you failed to protect and who now serve her.. "Non mon lâche... aint nobody done locked me up yet... " softly moving up and down through the ait, the leather of the restraints taps lightly on the ground, a sound added to by the drip of blood from her eyes.. "Aint nobody done tried too hard to neither.. guess you just aint so important to them.." her voice never much more than a growl carries the weight of her hatred.. the darkness pooling around her and spreading out towards you, the malice and fury flowing like a wave.. "As they are unimportant to you it seems... as you do nothing to end their suffering..."

XXXX spun around on his heel, as much in hearing the sounds as feeling the intense emotions roll past. He sneered up at her as anger surfaced at the comments "well, I don't rightly expect anyone to worry about me...and I expect others to worry about themselves typically. Must be an independent minded thing" He did actually care about some of his 'family' in this city, but he had severely withdrawn after the episode with his former mate and kept to himself mostly, refusing to get too involved any time soon as the pain still was fading. "But others do care, I figured they might lock you up for your own good at least...instead of leaving you to wander around acting more insane than any Malk or Asylum resident we got in this city right now, eh?". He thought quickly as he stalled for time as part of his mind worked on the possible spells, offensive and defensive he could use, more so that he didn't want to bring down his own home and lab in the process.

*** grins unpleasantly, the coming culmination of her hatred pleasing her now it was at hand... vengeance was something to behold... "Independant minded you are... and thus stand alone before me..." cracking the knuckles of her healed hands she flexes her fingers moving closer.. having waited long enough for this moment not to want it prolonged by many more pleasantries... "Now the time has come for you Mon Cher... to take the gift I have to give you... to open your eyes to all you have not seen... and all you have to learn..."

XXXX leans back as he begins to mumble a defensive charm, unsure of her intent and seeing she has no weapons but unsure of her magical possibilities. He had never seen such total madness in any other than a Malkavian and they were at least a bit moe humorous to deal with. "I don't need any of what you is selling crazy lady" he said trying to back up but bumping int the railing instead, stll hesitating to unleash anything offensive with so many irreplaceable items near the line of potential destruction.

*** drags a hand along the wall as she floats closer, her clawlike nails digging in... scratching the surface with a jarring noise.. the action sharpening the talons as she moves... her voice now a low rumbling growl that seems to reverberate in the air around you as she speaks.. "Don't need... You already bought what you will receive..." she tilts her head to one side, her eyes burning black into yours as she takes in your mumbling, and your backing into the barrier, the look in your eyes.. so close to your home.. close perhaps to things you would protect as you hadn't protected the members of your family... that you arent yet protecting yourself when you had been so eager to pull a gun the last time of meeting... something was holding you back and she knows it.. her anger bubbles just below the surface, the hatred and the need to hurt.. the thirst for vengeance... malice crackles in the air around her, the emotion not something she would ever normally display seeming to take on a physical presence in its potency..."Now comes the time to pay..."

XXXX felt her closing in and let himself fall back over the railing attempting some sort of graceful landing almost 15 feet below. He knew he may beable to escape his property via the dungeon tunnel that he had connecting to the sewers of Tempura Eastside. Or at worst he would have a clear line of sight on her without blasting his own front door dow there.
His backflip was not exactly flawless and he landed on his ass shortly after his feet contacted the ground...the momentum a bit too much to halt. He swore as he fumbled to regain composure trying to get to the hatch in the ground before she could get to him...

*** flows over the railing after you as you tumble backwards, her hands which had been about to raise toward you continue their movement, balancing her form as she moves through the air with purpose, more flight than falling... she was floating to begin with after all.. there was an animalistic hint to her movements, something of the stoop of a bird of prey as she plummeted toward you... a wave of cold darkness that was forming from the hatred exuding from her would hit you before she reached the ground... she had been interrogating your friends.. trying to discover what meant anything to you.. the little she had discovered you were adding to yourself by the flight away from your dwelling.. the desire to protect that was clear.. and would be her first weapon... the darkness that had stilled to stoney statues Leo, Mzzy and others at the slightest touch poured out around you, over you ... the low distant screaming that marked it's coming would resound in the air as she hovered before you.. the darkness pulling at your thoughts like threads, drawing them out to bolster her belief that you care for your current surroundings.. your dwelling... presumably an eternals collection of valubles and true treasures... treasures true to you... flashes of its destruction would start to flicker before your eyes.. faint at first... like a distant screen through smoke that was begining to clear...

XXXX stumbles as he tried to back into the hatch leading down when he felt the wave wash over him. He could hear screams from familiar voices...Leo, Mzzy... he knew she had harmed them, he had heard as much...he hoped staying out of the city would help but it didn't. Now he could hear them screaming in his head...it was very disturbing and he felt helpless at the shrieking in his ears.
He felt vertigo as the visions came next...as it was like someone playing a movie with the wrong audio track to it. It confused his mind terribly and he stumbled, the defensive measures were to keep off physical attacks, the mental attacks caught him off guard. The visions became disturbingly real and he could see his lab, the fire from the oven leaping out and catching other materials into a blaze....the flames licking up the walls making their way towards all the precious tomes...hundreds of years worth of knowledge now in peril. The feeling of his own scream lumping in his throat as he heard the sound of breaking glass in his mind's visions...the display cases with the priceless magical artifacts...he gasped aloud as the visions in his mind caused him to be almost paralyzed and unable to move. This very realistic movie playing in his mind washing out the surrounding reality as the smell of burning antique rosewood from the telescope entered into this nightmare...this private hell being unleashed on his mind.
A small voice from his dealing with the black arts of voodoun was struggling to yell through the clutter... that this was an illusion and to snap out of it...but the evil and the insanity *** was casting off was much stronger than his previous encounters with mental attacks.... his brain struggled against the sounds and the visions as a red tear streaked XXXX's cheek at the losses he was witnessing in his mind.

*** floats around you slowly... the darkness flooding from her seeming to hang in the air, leaving traces that could so easily be mistaken for the smoke she sees in your mind.. the imagined distruction of your most precious posessions... a malevolent grin spreads across her face at this pleasing addition to her plans for you.. you were forming your own punishment to fit what lay in store... as you would soon taste other terrors, it seemed you were coming to understand loss... the removal of all posessions... She lets the darkness continue to pull at your thoughts.. weaving into those it had already connected.. letting your own imaginings do the work for her for now.. moving closer to you, the darkness deepens, the screaming grows louder, the true sound of souls in torment known only to those who have heard such things.. knowing the voices are of those they care for and are having to watch and listen to them suffer... coming to an understanding that nothing can be done.. you can only watch, there is no turning away from the pain blossoming inside your mind...
Reaching out a hand toward you, the leather restraint dangling still from the last remains of the straightjacket, the metal woven between the sheets of its hide giving it weight as it brushes against you.. the skin of her hand as her fingertips brush through the bloody trail on your cheek is rough... old blood of her victims left to dry there as a warning to all comers.. the touch itself is soft.. a deadly caress as she wipes up the blood... a second weapon for her as she moves her hand away... rubbing your blood between her fingers...

2010-07-21T18:49:00.000+01:00

I write like
James Joyce

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Apparently!!!

2010-02-25T19:56:00.000Z

so.. apparently im supposed to write ten things that make me happy... deja vu

so here, in brief, and in no particular order....

My favourite Chinese.. although each and every time im still scared of food poisoning... im knocking on the plywood of my desk as I type this so I can eat it again this weekend without freaking

Ducko... obviously. Especially as my valentines present made my face grin so big it hurt.

Trees

The right green of new traffic lights. It makes me absurdly happy and calm.

Things going right... doesnt happen often, so its extra nice when it does.

Nailvanish.. yes i like it.. it makes me happy.. i have hundreds.

Harry Potter... more specifically Stephen Fry reading Harry Potter

The magic threes... they dont come around too often either. For me they involve a book, a kind of chocolate and or drink, and a sound.. one example... Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, chocolate covered raisins, the Best of the Eagles album...

Arguing with family - its like a sport, when its good natured.

Being warm.. its underrated. When you are so cold you cant sleep... you will thank me for reminding you that you have a hair drier

ok... thats a lot of things that make me happy... another thing being balance, which there is not enough of, especially in my world.. so here some of the things that make me ... well.. that arent so nice. - that and I grow to hate schmaltzy blog posts...

Hypocracy.. drives me fkn nuts. Such simple things as one person posting a blog with the mindless banality of "You should be happy and greatful with what you have, and stop looking for more" feeling like pointing them to the hurt, the grieving and the suicidal. Only for self same person to be whinging on mere days later about the hardships and heartaches. Did I push it in their face? Did I? No... coz im nicer than that. Not entirely nice or I wouldbe be writing this now.. but I never claimed to be an angel.

Plastic bags caught in trees.

Stupidity. Not meaning a lack of knowledge, meaning a determination to avoid improvement in any form. See guests on Jeremy Kyle show for live examples.

Loss. Stands to reason doesnt it.

Plugin Air fresheners. Do some cleaning fuckers... No point spraying perfume on shit.

There we go, not entirely balanced I know, but its nice to err on the postive side once in a while

*walks off whistling always look on the bright side of life*

been a while... again

2010-01-19T14:44:00.000Z

Yes.. I know.. Im rubbish.

Today something crossed my mind, and stuck there long enough for me to think it would be an interesting - and yes I use that word loosely - thing to have as a facebook status... then I was distracted ON facebook by a stupid advert for a mobile phone company for an object that guarantees you phone reception in your home... so that took precedence for me to cite their dumbassery and point them in the direction of their landlines....

however... the thing remained on my mind.

so, stick with me on this.

Codliver oil.

Its a given right? It exists. We know this. We ACCEPT this... we are fine with this... we never really question this...

Thing is... if someone asked you if fish had livers.... what would you say?

Perhaps its coz dont do a lot of cooking that this seems odd...

But then... Ive never seen a birds lungs either....

And... what about insects? Do they have the same gubbins goin on inside them?

I realise I could find out.. probably quite easily... but yanno... then the magic goes.

and we all like magic bugs.

Shazzayum.

tagged

2009-10-10T17:56:00.000+01:00

ok.. so Ive been tagged... 5 obsessions eh...

ok.......

here goes....

erm....

well first ones uninteresting, if annoying to the point of debilitation.

1. Things have to be clean. No, this doesnt mean Im tidy. Im complex like that. Stuff has to be clean, especially food related stuff... if its not, I freak out. Case in point being the glass at the local pub last night. Now, admittedly it SHOULDNT be a big deal that there was sticky stuff on the rim of said glass - which I can only assume when my lip got stuck to it halfwaythru my drink.. must have been someones old lipgloss. Shouldnt be a big deal. But it is. Its not fucking difficult to wash a glass properly.

2.Perhaps not a an obsession, well not an obsession with the bad stuff itself, more like If theres something wrong, and I cant fix it because people wont let me... that drives me NUTS. And Il tend to pick over it in my mind till I have to make myself stop. when theres nothing you can do theres nothing you can do. that feels like a failure, and I dont like it.

3.Murder She Wrote. Nuff said.

4. With very little else to do while looking for work I get into these little time limited obsessions. Theres been a number of these. It gets to the point of I HAVE to do this, why isnt there more available? Why cant I do more today? Why do I have to wait till tomorrow? Such things have included online games, online crosswords, looking after virtual pets, LOLZ, knitting, sewing.. covering my desk with patterns of nailvarnish dots...

5.Specific foodstuffs, tied to events, places and times of year. Nucular - yes thats the correct spelling - cheezee poofs from a certain store that means they arent just Nucular cheezee poofs, they are ... ... .... Nucular Cheezee poofs. These only work alone or as part of a meal WITH a nice sammidge from the same store. I think Im coming the end of my current toast fetish... i think, but then autumn is here... which demands cinnamon toast. Soon, certain coffee chain should be bringing out their winter flavours.... if they dont have dark cherry mocha this year I shall cry. That should be drunk, hands wrapped around the paper cup for warmth, on the way to trying to do something good. Headfones on, dropkicks blaring. Flaming Hot Monsta Munch. Anywhere anytime baby. There are others.. but ducko just brought me coffee... and a Wispa Gold.. and theres Nucular waiting in the kitchen.

So its bai bai for now, Il tag people when Im not after coffee!

ongoing

2009-10-05T13:43:00.000+01:00

Yeah.. im still back.. Im just lazy.

been a while

2009-09-27T13:11:00.000+01:00

yes.. sorry bout that... and now im being mocked about how long its been.. yeah.. thanks ducko. Been a little busy... got that summer library job.. now sadly summer is over and yes, so is the job.

Overall it was good...

Certain things about it werent...

Im a little OCD about things being clean you see...

Im a little phobic of being sick...

People do nasty things with books.

People bring books back covered in nasty.

Worst I heard.. which im still not sure I believe.. was someone using raw bacon as a bookmark.

Best I saw.. was a woman who came to the library walking her dog.. and her cat. The dog had a lead... the cat just came along for the walk, which apparently it does everytime she comes. NICE!

Id suggest this to catface, but theres only so many times you can be looked at by your cat.. its eyebrow raised with an expression that clearly shows its distain for you and all your ideas, before you decide if its so great it can clear out its own litterbox. - dont try that at home people, cats are stubborn and just WONT.

Yeah..

work was... tiring. and not paid that well. I shall whinge more about the sheer unfairness of payment at a later date when I will also regale you with tales of bitchface and her assistant.

This is just a hello.

Im still here!

*waves*

Mantras

2009-06-29T16:30:00.000+01:00

Mantras... sayings... those little phrases you might spout without thinking.

They make you feel better, get you through the hard times, annoy the monkies out of people you have said them to too many times.

Im not talking about the "Clean your room"s

or even the "I love you"s

but those little globules of wordyness.. you know the ones.

Well theres one me and my mentee have grown to love. We use it often, not because its glib, but because it applies so often.

It's simple. It's clear. It is...

Man the fuck up.

Im not saying that this only applies to men, but today, they are who it is aimed at.
Im talking about those men who pride themselves on their Masculinity. Their Manliness. Their being powerful, strong, capable, in control, masterly, messianic...
These are the ones, who in a crunch, turn into lily livered little cowards. This annoys me. As a woman, I find we put up with a lot. Men as described above. Theres no need for them to put into words their belief that they are better in some undefinable way than any woman. we put up with this because those we love, love them. They stand in a room, not believeing, not thinking, but KNOWING all women are lower, and presumably, horrendously attracted to them.

I know im sounding bitchy here. but I do not hate all men. I hate this particular kind of man. Who when realising they have a difficult decision to make, choose the easiest possible way out for themselves, not caring, probably not even realising how hurtful they are being.

THESE MEN ARE COWARDS

They are exactly the opposite of that which they believe themselves to be.

Deep down I hope they know how cowardly and pathetic they are. But I doubt they do.

These are the men who need to man the fuck up. Be human. Actually behave in a manner that is at very least respectful to those who have given up their time, lives, and love to you.

Hayfever and other annoyances

2009-06-22T13:11:00.000+01:00

Yes folks.. Its hayfever time.

I love trees. They dont seem to love me. Hell im not even sure its tree pollen im most allergic to. Could be that bastad grass.

So im doing my scratchy throat with tongue thing in my sleep. So I wake up with a throat on the verge of tasting bloody.

Fun eh?

Iv got potential news, but dont want to jinx it. *knocks on several pieces of wood*

Theres things Im thinking of trying, but the deadlines and my general style and laziness probably mean they arent compatible. That and Im a big chicken. Today I shall mostly be being annoyed at wimbledon taking over the tv.

not so interesting..

apple ogies.

its been a BAD DAY please dont take my picture...

2009-06-05T16:42:00.000+01:00

I say bad day.
Started with a bad night.
Bad night on the phones.
Unpleasant. Heartwrenching. Stomach churning. Maddening.

pick your favourite

Nasty people. People are stupid, nasty, vindictive.

Not sounding jaded am I?

Called back a job I didnt get - yes another one - for some feedback

Out of 9 applicants, only I didnt have any experience working in a library.

Out of 9 applicants for this part time role, 5 people had the degree in working in libraryness.

8 years of using academic libraries and a lifetime of ordinary ones just doesnt cut it.
The ability to do the job is outmatched by any experience. But how to get experience?

Being truthful apparently not a big plus point. Listening also not an important skill for interviewers...
Yes, I said that my dizziness has been a problem with reading in the past.
Did I explain that I had worked around that, using computer programmes that I can demonstrate to others with reading difficulties, not only to read for pleasure but to complete a frikkin research based history degree? Yes.
Did I say that I do not read for pleasure now? That I cant read actual books? No.
Did I say that I do read and list a number of texts, including those by my lovely authory friends? YES I BLOODY DID.

Im pissed off.

Dont not give me a job because you havent listened to what Ive said.

funneh

2009-05-22T17:31:00.000+01:00

ok. this has been making me giggle constantly whenever I think about it for the past few days.
I thought id be kind and share. Welcome to the Giggles.

tired...

2009-05-22T17:07:00.000+01:00

Im tired.

2nd overnight shift of the week last night - and no - dont go getting your hopes up folks - its not paid work. I VOLUNTEER for this.

Im STILL dizzy from the tv massacre of last weekend.

Ive been terrified by a recruitment agency ringing me to reccomend applying for a job when i honestly cant remember having any contact with them, let alone having given them a copy of my CV.

There has been an ideal job spotted. Something that would be great. Something that would be fab. Something that would be interesting and actually relevant to the 8 years of getting my degree.
Problem.
Its in Alnwick. It involves ladders and spiral staircases. Normally Id apply anyway, expecting nothing and hoping for the best. At the moment the dizzy is still so present that Im dubious about doing even that.

I dunno.

Everythings just a bit *pleh*

I put the best friends birthday present thru her letterbox. That was monday. Its now friday and Id heard nothing. I broke the rule for the first time. I txtd her.
"This situation is weird but i wouldnt have thought you would be able to not comment on the awesomeness of that present. Are you away? Did you not get it somehow?"
She got it. She loves it. For some reason she didnt think to let me know. But apparently she has a plan or scheme or something. Il just have to wait and see.

Dizzy

2009-05-18T11:18:00.001+01:00

Yup.

Im dizzy.

For once its not my fault, which means I can be righteously pissed off about it. Damn 4OD online catchup and its Kirsties Homemade Home with its invisible to most people and mostly to me wiggly line of error 1/3 of the way up the screen. Couldnt see it most of the time. Has affected me like the nasty refreshing of olde stylee monitors. Am very dizzy.

Woke up on sunday, turned over, the world kept on going.

Not good.

Poor Ducko - hadnt seen me in a real dizzy - apparently its quite worrying.

Ah well, aside from a few unwanted meanderings when attempting to answer the phones during an unavoidable overnight last night - all is mostly as can be expected. I do not like squishy matresses. I especially dont like squashy matresses on beds where I cannot easily lie with one foot on the floor - the things dizzy people have to do to know where the world is -

Well im off to wrap the birthday present for the best friend im not allowed to see. Its been planned for her from before the whole thing kicked off. (January) Cant not give it. Hope she likes it. I suppose putting itching powder in it would be childish.

(not that im above being childish - at a sams event on saturday I got my face painted)

When I rule the world

2009-05-05T13:10:00.000+01:00

Nope not a megalomaniacal post - sorry - tho I will get around to submitting my manifesto at some point.

Just that whenever you select anything to watch on the new channel4 online service - you have to sit thru an advert for vodafone with various people lipsynching badly to the song "When I rule the world"

Gets stuck in your head a little bit.

A few weeks ago I had christmas songs stuck in there.

Last week it was the "Ive got a golden ticket" song from the original charlie and his chocolatey factory. Then my delightful mentee added the "Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka" one from the more recent film to the mix, and giggled at me while I struggled with the combination of the two playing at once through my synapses.

Im trying not to dwell on the stuff Ive been posting about recently. None of it has changed. Im still feeling the same, physically and emotionally sick. None of it will for the forseeable future. - with the exception of the friend I went back to find getting in touch - for which I am glad.

I had two, count em, TWO interviews last week. Am sitting and waiting to hear now. Am applying for more things. Weirdly, one interview was in a hotel room. With a bed and everything. Most bizzare. I thought it was weird when they did it on e.r. recently. Less weird even for that interview to be conducted by Dr Corday, then cutting to a blurry shot of the dead Dr Greene walking past the hotel entrance.

I digress.

I have laid a floor. I may have mentioned. That was the bathroom. That included work by Ducko. This is the kitchen. This is all me. Self levelling compound that didnt self level, I conclude now this is because the ready mix had evaporated too much liquid. So after chiselling all the lumpy bits off the first layer, mixed the ready mixed second batch with more liquid. Heres a tip - if you buy stuff from the clearance sale bit of a hardware store - be sure its of the correct consistancy before applying. Do not believe what it says on the tin!
Anyway, it is now smooth with a captial smoo (as someone once said - perhaps in red dwarf) and awaiting the laying of tiles.

Im hungry - today is tuesday... shopping was done on thursday... whats the betting there is nothing worth eating downstairs? Im watching Ramsay's kitchen nightmares and wondering when waiters and waitresses became servers.

50th post

2009-04-29T18:05:00.000+01:00

I wish it was happier.

I looked at things I shouldnt have.

Now I feel sick, cold and tired.

Iv had enough of this.

Enough.

I want to move on.

Its past fucking time.

...

2009-04-28T13:51:00.000+01:00

Im still here.

Im still there.

Very little contact with anyone... Im being cautious.

Messages to old friends come with the proviso of If you tell, Im gone.

This still hurts.

This still makes me a bit sick.

Im Vylna again.

I always have been.

I just dont know if I can be.

well i did say id keep you posted...

2009-04-22T22:28:00.001+01:00

so here you are...

posted with an actual post.

*wonders if a blog has ever been done with postit notes*
*thinks then it wouldnt really be a blog...*
*stops evading and gets back to the point*

ok, so one of the main reasons i went back was to try and contact a friend from back then (told you it would be something to do with trying to reestablish some friendships). Her email no longer gets answered, but her husband eventually replied to his, they split months ago. no contact. hes had to move out of state. he doesnt know what email if any she is using now.
So i was trying to find a way to get in contact and see if she is ok.
One person I know she was friends with - is now partnered online to her now ex husband. Dunno if im gonna get anywhere there. - sorry if this all seems too complex.

I lost all my inventory - so had to start again

i dont look like me. I knew one shop well enough to get an item of ME clothing, but my shape and skin arent me. I cant have people i knew seeing me like that - hello vanity!

I mentioned i thought seeing the places i used to be happy might help me move on.

I realize now that cant happen.

Cant face going there

not entirely sure i need to. it may make things a helluva lot worse without making anything any better.

I also couldnt stop myself taking a fleeting look at one profile. The one who broke me is still where he left me for. He can do what he likes now. However fucked up it is.

I cant be on there. I cant be different from how I was, because I was my ideal. But I cant get that back. I cant deal with the chance of running into him. Im not expecting much sleep tonight. The split second glance I had of his picture is gonna be haunting me for a while.

This is my place to say whats going on. I dont mean it to hurt anyone. If it does im very sorry.

A little bit...

2009-04-22T17:19:00.000+01:00

Ok...

Am a little tense.

Am a little nervous...

Am lying through my teeth.

Am fkn terrified.

When you dont listen to yourself, you only have yourself to blame for what happens. Perversely, the same is true when you do listen. As I was wittering on about last time.

I havent been able to stop picking.

In fact Ive been poking more great big bloody holes.

Theres a horrible twisted excitement and terror.

Ive recreated. Ive reactivated. Im reborn. I exist again.

I havent tested it out.

Im not there yet.

I know Im probably going there looking for friends after losing others.

I know its probably a bad idea.

If I see the one who broke me...

Im assuming I will shatter again.

But theres the little red box with the X in it.

Im quietly hoping this will help me move on.

As always im hugely greatful to the friends and loved ones I do have.

I dont know yet if or when Il go on. For now I think I just have to get used to the feeling of possibility. Tho if it keeps making me feel sick I might just get rid of it all again. Or keep it till I can comfortably wear my jeans again...

Il keep you posted.

Bad ideas

2009-04-16T20:45:00.000+01:00

Why do I never listen to myself?

Why do I listen to myself?

Both are wrong.

I thought.. I should send a message to my friend. I should ask her to tell me not to do the stupid thing I was thinking of doing.

I should have done that.

She would have reminded me of what it took to get over it last time.

I should have listened to me on that.

Instead I listened to the other part of me. The overwhelming desire to be back there, to get back some of what I had.

Its impossible. Theres no point. But I wanted to SEE that there was no point. I wanted to SEE if I could handle it.

The very thought made my heart beat so fast I had to move. No sitting still like that.

I went to see if I still existed.

I dont.

I did my erasure well.

I was sorely tempted to be born again.

Just enough me to be recognisable to any old friends.

I didnt do this.

I chickened out.

I thought, Il dip my toe in.

Il see how I feel seeing that name.

I googled.

I shouldnt have.

Still exists.

Still hurts.

I feel sick.

At least now I know.

I cant handle it.

The wound that was, still is.

Its not even a pick attable scab.

It bleeds.

It weeps.

Iv just got to try and stop poking at it.

Wonders what day it is...

2009-04-15T16:04:00.000+01:00

Was just decided it was tuesday. Before the wedensdayness of it all waved hello.

Ive been poking at the best friend thing again.

Realised it had been a number of weeks since the last brief email contact, so responded making clear my by now grim conclusion views. Things wont ever improve if they are left the way they are. Sadly I dont seem to have much of a say in the way things are. As far as Im concerned, going along with someone saying the car down the road is evil doesnt do them any good in the long run.

I may have to give up and move on. Choices that arent mine have been made, which affect my life directly. But poking at it isnt having any positive effects. Its probably making me more miserable.

Seems like Ive lost my best friend.

Shes hopeful things may change in the future. I wish I could say it wouldnt matter. If I were more... adamant. Thats probably safer. Get less hurt that way maybe? Worth living like that? Not sure.

At the moment the best case scenario is, someday things will change and Il be allowed to associate with my best friend again, until the next problem when Im disposable again.

Someday I hope the best friends fiance gets over himself and his own problems and stops blaming how he feels on others. Then maybe they can have a happy life.
At the moment Im too tired of it all - not too tired to care - just too tired of it.

Its been a while...

2009-04-07T22:22:00.000+01:00

Stained song.. love it. Has memories attatched... am trying to overlook.
moving on...

Yes anyway it seems like its been AGES. It probably hasnt. You may well be sick of me.
mwuuhahaha TOUGH.

Its not like life has been hectic. It was supposed to have been hectic these past days. I managed to find an alternate route. (I would have preferred the hectic)

I have been ill.

Saturday saw me dressed up all smart like for a stage of a job interview. Butterflies I assumed. They didnt go away. They put cloggs on. Then hobnail boots and started kicking the...
(ill leave the rest to you...)

Nobody likes being ill. Im verging, no im not verging, Im smack dab in the middle of being phobic about it. Hopefully I am getting better at dealing with it though, it seems as though I am.
I didnt run home to me mam. Some bravery there, some common sense... its quite a drive from Duckos to my place...
Ducko. bless him. I did warn him im not nice when im ill. (doubt he realises how much nicer i was this time around than i usually get) He was lovely. He rubbed my back. He brought me the kittehkat to cheer me up.

Anyhoo... I assumed I wouldnt be getting the phonecall on monday to say I progressed to the next stage. Not coz i was ill during the first stage - that came later - but coz i thoroughly messed up one of the tests, remembering entirely the wrong things and thus not getting any of the questions right. How wrong I was! Not about getting a whole lot wrong - i KNOW i did that, but I got the call.

FABULOUS

then...

PANIC

now I have to be thoroughly well by wednesday, and I have to rearrange and get cover for my time at Sams. this may not seem bad but because of this ill iv already had to rearrange 2 other things both of which are virtually impossible to do.

Now its tuesday night. I have a 7 hour interviewwy thing tomorrow. with the dizzies and not quite 100% wellness to contend with.

Oh.. and they need a copy of and to see the original of my degree certificate. Which has managed to disappear. ho hum...

Keep fingers and toes crossed for me?

WARNING

2009-03-29T23:56:00.000+01:00

The post below is...

well sadly its typical.

Its about me and the crap Im currently dealing with.

If you think this self indulgent - shut the window.

If you do read it, dont stress. Its nothing new. It just wont go away.

Apologies

2009-03-29T23:29:00.000+01:00

The last post was cheerful.

Sorry.

Id keep it up but, no.

Its a difficult time at the moment. Its a year on from the worst time of my life. So the memories are coming a little harder and faster than I have managed to slow them to over time.

It was the first Grand Prix of the season today. One of the drivers has the same name as the hurt. I could just not watch. I could watch with the sound down or off. But that would be weak wouldnt it?

I should be more over this by now. All I have in my defense is that it was my LIFE for some considerable time. 24 hours a day - i dont exaggerate - sleep stopped or when it did come, i was still there.

I miss some people from that time more than I can express. This is hitting harder since I seem to be losing people from the here and now in the same way, and thats hard to cope with. I dont know what to do about it. There doesnt seem to be anything i CAN do. I have spoken of this before.

Ive also talked about the corrosive nature of hatred. I still hate. I still want the hurts caused to come home those who caused them. I dont know if thats even possible. Can people who willingly cause pain on these levels even comprehend what they do? If they just dont care... then theres no hope. This may seem hypocritical. I would say I dont care. But I do care. I dont want to be like them. I also cannot imagine anything worse than having what they send out come back to them. With no reason thats what they did. And they deserve to have it back.

Im tired. Im tired of feeling this way. Im tired of inflicting this shit on anyone who may happen to read this. Il go on, things will get a little easier. They will come back to this again. Ho Hum.
Im also tired coz I was up at 5am and its pushing midnight.

Apologies. Especially to Ducko. Who contends with me like this with more compassion and understanding than could be expected.

Jam sammidges

2009-03-25T15:12:00.000Z

Ah...

The Jam Sammidge.

tis a wonderous thing.

Underrated in the sammidge world. Savoury is good, dont get me wrong. My Xmas leftovers sammidge is one of the highlights of the sammidge year. Turkey, sausage, cranberry, bacon and sweetcorn stuffing, mayo, fine malty bread.... *droolz*

but the jam sammidge is something special, perhaps because it is so simple. The jam sammidge evokes many the childhood memory. when tea was actually proper. Before a big meal was needed at the end of a hard day of school or work. Back when fingerpainting and chickens and who got to go on the swings were the most important things in the world.
You sat around the table.
You got a boiled egg.
You got soldiers.
You dipped.
You schlurped.
And if you are anything like me, you hated the white of the egg - so you scraped it off the shell with your spoon, smashed the spoon through the base of the egg. poked the white bits thru the hole into your peter rabbit egg cup and prayed your parents wouldnt notice.
Then...
Sammidges.
Maybe crumpets. (crumpets are another favourite but I had them last week so the urge to proclaim their fabulousness isnt so strong)
But the sammidges.
Oh the sammidges.
White bread, or breadbun, or stottiecake.
Butter, preferably lightly salted - not back then probably - but now because I just love the combination of salty and sweet.
Jam.
Strawberry.
Raspberry.
Home made by my gran from fruit we picked as a family, inbetween playing on the tyre swing and having gooseberry fights.
Bought from Presto.
Jam.

Proper nursery food.

This makes me happy.

Especially when I have a mug of coffee with it.

I am now going to go and make tiffin. Another childhood treat. If i could make coconut meringue cookie as well i may just be zapped back to 1985.

ouchy

2009-03-24T13:03:00.000Z

Ouchy

Dentist got me.

Eventually.

2 or 3 bits of work today... cant remember which.

The back of my left hand is covered in little red half moons. Even with my pre-dentist manicure (posh name for me hacking my nails off) Iv shredded my hand a bit.

He wanted to do 1 more thing today, but as I had to be on the phones at Sams this afternoon I kinda needed to be able to speak.

Got my treat coffee.

Got my nice sarnie to have once the numb wears off.

Walk to Sams...

numb is wearing off already. ouchy is arriving. coffee sips taste metallic.

get to Sams.

Bleeding.

Ouchy.

I am genius.

Im not supposed to be there for another 4 hours.

Cant get a lift home.

Walk.

Face hurts.

Coffee is impossible.

Left my sarnie in the Sams fridge.

There are no bins in the first 2 miles so I carry my cup with me. Spilling a fair amount of it on my feet as I walk.

No responses about jobs yet.

Email from best friend tho. Her man is doing better apparently. Im still not knowing what to do about this situation. I dont want to resent or dislike her for doing what she has to do for her relationship. I dont know that that wont be inevitable if this drags on long term.

I would like a coffee.

A year ago I was in the midst of the worst time of my life. Im trying to avoid thinking about that.

back to miserable already! knew the last post was an abberation.

: )

i dunno

2009-03-19T17:30:00.000Z

Seems lately iv been posting when Im pissed off. At the moment Im not, so lets see what happens eh?

erm...

The tidying continues. There is still no sign of two of the three things I was looking for.

I am debating making cheezcake. But its not exactly healthy. But then Iv been kinda crap at the eating well lately... I blame the Icanhazcheezburger website. It makes me want cheezburgers.

I sprained my ankle while cleaning Ducko's old place. Iv got paint on my clothes from walking into walls. Ive been washing windows.

Iv been looking for jobs. Iv been applying. Iv not been hearing anything back.

this is turning into a whinge.

My mum has just described my hair as "Very wuthering heights" which I take to mean I look like the mad woman in the attic - that or kate bush having a screech. either way, most amusing. Must get a hairdryer and straightners to keep at Duckos.

Gordon Ramsey has just stated that his delicious shephards pie contains fabulous ground beef.

Hope you all enjoyed St Patricks day. I had Guinness. It was nice.

And I did mean to mention last time the brilliant magpie gene that runs thru my relatives and people I care about. My cousins daughter turned two last weekend - hence the family gathering. I had a lovely teddybear for her. The wrapping included a strip of sellotape dipped in different shape and colour sequins. Guess which bit got more attention. A girl after my own heart. She just better not get her eye on any of MY shiny things...

eeeeek

2009-03-16T11:42:00.000Z

yup

you heard

eeeeeek

I'm at the dentists today. Had a weeks reprieve, but todays the day. EEEEEEEEEK.

Not a good idea to have leftover popcorn for breakfast...

Probably also not a good idea to have a shift later where I'm on the phone... Its gonna be interesting.

Have been sending more applications out into the ether. And via post. Id try carrier pigeon, but my crows would feel left out.

Ive been helping Ducko with DIY. hehe there's a contradiction in terms. Well, it mostly involved setting stuff on fire, which is fun. Then realising it wasn't going to burn out by itself, which was hilarious, and worrying. Then actually getting to extinguish it with a damp towel. Felt like a proper Blue Peter presenter or somesuch. Anyway, lots of painting and attempts at cleaning. Lots of - not quite glaring - more a look of... "Why are you painting that when I've just finished polyfillaing it"

Well done ducko. Survived another gathering of my family. Plus we managed to create a new series of gifts for wedding anniversaries. Much better than the traditional pap. Who wouldn't like to get their very own peasant? Bupa vouchers for their 40th? Carehome welcome packs for their 45th?

I'm contemplating what treat I can arrange to look forward to after the Dentist... I cant afford anything. Maybe I can stretch to a starbucks. It would be the double treat afterall... My being nice to people day treat as well as my after having face drilled treat. Hopefully I can have it without dribbling it all down myself. Would be an expensive waste.

Ok must go and find something to eat before I become an anaesthetised mess.

Things I hate

2009-03-12T10:31:00.000Z

I stopped hating people a while ago. I realised it was harming me a lot more than it was doing anything to anyone else.

Lately I have been reassessing this idea. There are now some people I hate. There are some that are infuriatingly stupid and childish - I dont hate these people. I feel sorry for them and angry about the general way they fuck up their lives and those of people around them.

There are however THINGS that I hate.

I hate things about myself. I hate the things I cannot change, and I hate that some of the things I can, Im not doing enough about.

I hate that I freak out about food and being ill.

I HATE eating my Allbran bar for breakfast and finding a 5cm black plastic bristle in my mouth halfway thru it.

I hate how much I want to go and make myself throw up now. Which is rediculous. As its being ill that scares me. But if I do it to myself im in control. Dont worry. I didnt and I wont.

I hate people talking to me like Im stupid, or simply in a manner that implies that they know better, a better way of doing things. Thats YOUR way. I have my way. You may not like it, you dont have to try it, just dont patronise me by your tone or response. Im tired of this.

I hate that because of my fucking dizziness I cant even listen to loud angry music to take my mind off things without making myself ill for weeks.

I hate that because of how freaked I am about the plastic thingy, my stomach is churning, which makes me think that Im gonna be ill because of the plastic thing, which makes the churning worse etc etc etc.

I wish I could go away for a while.

Im too angry and freaked to even write the strongly worded letter to Kelloggs.

I would like to scream. I would like to smash things.

Instead, Il take the plastic downstairs. Il show my dad. He'l tell me Im silly or rediculous for worrying about it. Il sort out my application for a job im really interested in. Il probably apply for a few more that Im not. Il keep chipping away in my attempt to tidy my room. Hopefully Il calm down for a while, its begining already. The hot anger and fear is fading. The cold resignation is arriving. Fear will flare again. Ive done this dance before.

Il write that letter.

I hate that this may worry people. Sorry. You dont have to read it. This is my shit. Its better out here than swirling in my head.

Right. Off to be told Im rediculous, make sum coffee, and try and cheer myself up lolzifying some cheezburger lovers.

life... continued

2009-03-09T13:21:00.000Z

Stuff that is around today seems mostly to be left overs from recent or more distant past. Stating the obvious maybe?

For some time Ive been wanting to take a walk around the city - photograph some of the beautiful things that people dont usually look at. Shop level - cities can be interesting. Mostly they are ugly and depressing. Take a look up. If you are lucky, there will be something worth seeing. Newcastle had a huge building boom in the Georgian era - and then they knew how to build. There are grand facades above the 'buy cheap crap here on credit' stores. Beautiful intricate carvings. A building covered in suns. Design incorporated into the copper linings of the roof tops. Windows to view the world from, and let light in, unlike modern developments where striplighting makes windows virtually unnecessary. On saturday my dizzies allowed the walk. Ducko accompanying to prevent me falling from stairs and flat ground when suddenly Id spot something worth photographing.
The more you look, the more you see.
Theres a church, an unusual church - some rediculous planner in the 60s or 70s - another building boom era - this time full of corruption and uglyass buildings - gave the go ahead for an office block to be built feet away from it. The graveyard is uncared for. There was a pile of rubbish, a discarded tv, and some incredible gravestones.
Ive always loved graveyards.

I didnt get the job i interviewed for the other week. Got the phonecall on friday morning. Not the nicest way to be woken. More applications are flying out from my computer daily. Hope a parent gets back soon or Im gonna be one dizzy person on the bus to the jobcentre this afternoon.

Nothing new has happened with the best friend. Another friend is worrying herself sick with stresses. I shall make her a cake as soon as im capable of mixing without falling over.

Yet another amiga had a reading of her new playlet - not being facetious here - it was a bit of a play so im calling it a playlet - on friday night. It was very good. I giggled. I got cola up my nose.

Ducko and I had fun smashing stuff over the weekend. smashy smashy smashy. Fortunately the wall needed redoing as the plaster was blown, but it was impressive how much glass and pottery we got embedded in it. I have always thought smashing stuff must be hugely theraputic. I was right.

(my room is still a mess)

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=106180&id=557862106&l=35444

Monday - for a change

2009-03-02T11:35:00.000Z

monday monday... la laaa la la laaa la.

There are more songs about mondays than you would think. I can think of three. If i thought a bit longer i might get more, but who has time for that?

No word about the interview last week yet.

Room isnt tidy after a week of tidying.

Played guitar hero at the weekend - played 4 songs. am still dizzy. humph.

no word from best friend - but a voice from the past got in touch. Weirdly I had been thinking of emailing my friends from the time that makes me cry now, coz i still miss them. But closing the door seemed the only way to get thru it. Should I see it as a sign that one of them contacted me when I was thinking about contacting them? Maybe not. I had decided it was still not something I could really cope with. I love them as individuals - but nothing is individual - everything is linked to a place, a group, a time, a person that makes my insides go cold and ruins my eyeliner.

Poor Ducko - he has a lot to deal with. I know it hurts that theres nothing he can do to make things better. Dont think he quite gets that he is already doing and being the thing that helps.

Tidying uncovers unusual things.
Like a shoebox that was holding up a section of dvds on my shelf still containing a new pair of shoes Id completely forgotten about.
A pile of scraps of paper with notes and pictures on from communicating in class at school.
My spirograph.
A Yikes pencil.
A card from the ex fiance. This was a problem. What to do with it? Spent about 10 minutes wandering between the binbag and putting it back in its envelope on my shelf. Reached a compromise. Its on the floor UNDER the binbag. It has nice sentiments in it. I dont feel the need to throw it away in an "I cleanse my life of all traces of this relationship" moment. I debated sending it back to him with a note saying "If any of these things were true, if you are capable of feeling like this - you deserve to move on and find it anew with someone else." I have been advised against doing this. While I would be doing it with the best intentions - it might have horrible outcomes. So its still there. On the floor. Under the binbag.

Another problem. A wristband. Saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS. My mum gave me this. What the hell (snigger snigger) do I do with it? Im trying to have a clear out so stuff I dont use doesnt just sit on shelves or in drawers. But what do you do with that? It cant go in the bin - sacreligious surely? Charity bag? hmm... its in a pile of stuff at the moment that includes cables for cd players I dont use or dont have anymore, earrings, postit notes and obsolete pc software.

ah well. - as for the Yikes pencil - i loved them I still do - the one i found is silver on the outside and black on the inside. My favourite ever was green on the outside and pink on the inside. or vice versa. in searching for a new supply of them i found this, it amused me. Enjoy.

http://www.pencilpages.com/classifieds/seeking.htm

tuesdays.

2009-02-24T21:47:00.000Z

Mention I didnt like tuesdays?

Brushing teeth before job interview...

Filling in back of top front tooth comes loose.

(Im terrified of dentists)

This doesnt seem like a good omen.

Job location has dizzying combination of crazy carpeting and the kind of cross hatched ceiling tiles that make me fall over. and i mean litterally fall over. They have them in the crisp section at tescos in Duckoland. I have had to be rescued from falling there several times. Im now banned from looking up when there.

Interview doesnt last all that long. Im worried this is a bad sign.

They say they have been interviewing for this one post for two weeks.

My hopes have hit rock bottom.

I wander round carparks for 20 mins trying to find my dad.

Smart "please hire me" shoes make feet hurt.

Try and find soft sandwich in town that wont threaten tooth.

Have to pay £1.40 to go ONE STOP on the metro - its that or go in my tights or buy cheap shoes from primarni...

Get to feel all growed up in my smartness holding my starbucks and metro ticket in one hand, smart bag on shoulder, Dropkicks blaring me-ness back into me thru my ears.

Hobble to be nice to people for a few hours.

Realise form I should have handed in at interview is still in smartbag.

Hopes dig themselves a hole and fall into it.

Get home.

No dentist appointment til 4th march. Unless I can get an emergency one.

Cooks pancakes.

Thinks about further tidying room that is midway thru a tidy and thus a bombsite.

Decide against this.

Sits and pokes at tooth with tongue.

Misses the best friend.

Waits for Ducko to get home.

From the wilds...

2009-02-19T20:03:00.000Z

Yus Ive been out of town mostly this week. Decamped to the wilds of Ducko's territory.

We have the cat back. Cant remember if i mentioned the cat over xmas... but we had care of a cat then. We has it back now.

Iv become sadly addicted to Icanhascheezburger.com

I love it.

And in general Im NOT the kind of person to find pictures of cats funny or cute. These are. Plus they allow you to put your own captions on them, and I love doing that sort of crap.

Ive been painting the kitchen.

With Duckos help apart from this evening when he has been off improving himself and getting more letters to put after his name. One end wall is COPPER. Not everyone who lives here likes this much I think. We were supposed to go and buy red paint... Then I happened to spot the cans of metallic spray paint... It had to happen after that really. (and it looks great)

Now to find the correct colour to go with the copper. Ive been painting one wall NATURAL CALICO. Its great on that wall, on the other wall with the spotlights on it its far too primrosey and institutional looking. So while Duckos been off at uni Ive been up and down ladders painting. Amazing eh?

Me, unsupported up ladders!

With my dizzy this is something almost miraculous.

Everything great.

I clean brush and paint pad.

I take bin out.

I wash floor.

I has a bit of dizzy and falls into painted wall.

I am genius indeed.

For anyone following my recent friend disaster - theres still no communication. Believe me not txting the best friend immediately when I saw and got a photo of someone all alone, dressed as jesus, shopping at the late night supermarket was hard.

Ideas on a postcard - or in a comment - if you have any notion what I should do next.

Coz i just dont know.

If its a wait and see if it gets better thing... I cant see it working. The best friends fiance has got exactly what hes wanted all along. Her not to have contact with me. He must be beside himself. The fact that this makes things better for no-one, and worse for half of us is apparently irrelevant. Im stopping now before i get all angry again.

Dunno how this will work - but here is one of my captioned pictures...

snow

2009-02-12T12:03:00.000Z

snow

snow snow snow

tis snowing.

theres no food in the house.

So I must go out in the snow.

I was thinking the snow matched my mood. In some ways it does, in others not. Its cold. Im cold. My innards are cold. My outards are cold. My brain feels a bit numb. Im choosing to see this as a good thing. If its numb it wont hurt too much, yes there are the occasional thawings, dribbles of upsetting memories, images, feelings. But im trying to mop those up with the kitchen roll of STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT NOOOOOOOOW!!!

Its odd how the mind works. Mine doesnt always seem to like me. Most of the time it doesnt seem to like me. It seeks comfort in things that will ultimately end painfully. Imagining things differently to how they are only ends in the realisation that they will never end up that way. So I dont let myself. But my mind keeps trying. Stick with the pain you know and all that...

Sorry that this is all so depressing.

Tell you what.

Look out of your window.

Is it snowing there?

Is it pretty?

Does it recall good as well as bad memories?

Remember the good.

Tell the bad to fuck off for a while.

Have a hot drink.

Look at the snow.

And if you see me on the way to the shop to buy food - wave.

Nothing much

2009-02-09T13:38:00.000Z

Nope.
Nothing much.

Nothing from the best-friend. Dont think I responded to the - meet up isnt going to happen- email. So the lack of contact is probably on me. In all honesty tho I didnt know what to say in response to that. I came on here. I vented. Now Im just cold and empty. Old crap that Id managed to squash away so it wasnt upsetting me on a minute by minute basis has sneaked out thru the new upset.

Tremendous fun.

Rejection letters arrive in the post. Im either overqualified, but without experience, or just without experience. Sorry - I lack experience. I was busy getting a Degree that was supposed to make getting a job easier.

Ducko worries about me. I dont want him to. Its not like I can do anything about this shit so why worry about it? I get told to be quiet - he will worry regardless. Silly monkey.

Speaking of silly monkeyness - we were so fully prepared for his book signing on sunday. SO prepared. Couldnt have been more prepared.
AKA
Couldnt have forgotten more everything if we had tried.
Spiffy Postcards with book info on - in a bag. Bag in house. Ducko's phone in house. My phone in house. No way to contact people in house. People we do manage to contact are unable to find bag in middle of living room with little in it aside from said post cards.
Bugger.

Book launch still went well. Even got a free starbucks.
Ducko outsold the other author.
Excellent.

Enough for now. Time for the joys of the jobcentre.

Hope you like the new music feature - hope it works more than anything actually...

Welcome to limbo

2009-02-05T16:43:00.000Z

Ok.
I may have to change the name of this blog to 'whinging about my life'
After a blunt question to the best friend about the suggested meet up - got the reply

Its a No Go.

I am out of ideas. Not true - I am out of ideas that wont potentially make the situation a lot worse.
I could write letters to those involved - but I doubt they would be read.
I could force the issue by going round there. I doubt the door would be answered - even if it was I suspect it would be slammed quickly.
I could go see the ex - this could have numerous bad outcomes.
I could do nothing. This helps noone. If the best-friends fiance still hates me after over a year - I dont see that doing nothing will make any difference.

I feel for my friend. I really do. She has been in a horrible situation. But Im getting angry now.
I cant help but think that the refusal to even meet and talk about this shows a spectaular level of immaturity and admission of being in the wrong - knowing it - and not wanting to see it.

Fucksake.

About this time last year I lost a lot of friends. The best friend was my only remaining longterm friend in the area. Its not that I dont have others - Im so greatful to the ones I have - Some of you I know read this and you kept me here when I didnt want to be. The best friend is special. I cant be without her and dont see things changing - but Im terrified of making things worse.

Welcome to limbo.

The rest of this week has been pretty shit.

Fun huh?

Tuesday again...

2009-02-03T14:20:00.000Z

Yup, its tuesday again.
One week on from the bombshell.
No positive news yet Im sad to say.
Ive suggested meeting up to talk but this has been neatly sidestepped everytime. Il mention it again. This isnt something I can give up on.

Anyway...

Yes last week was busy. Friday was driving from one end of the country to the other for my Cousins wedding. This isnt good for a dizzy person such as myself. Didnt help that I had a stinking cold. (Which is hopefully on its way out today)
Ducko picked me up at about 2pm.
Halfway up the road we realise the directions are back in the house.
Just heading out of town - bad traffic - about 2.45 I realise I have forgotten my black shrug jacket - essential to my outfit as it hides the tattoos from unsuspecting parents. Decide that theres no point going back for it - will find something in a shop before the wedding.
Just past Leeds - approx 2 hours into the journey - realise Ive forgotten the wedding present. Decide that this will be taken as typical of me, and will pass it on at the soonest possible time.
Traffic Jams
Accidents
Bad coffee at rest stops
Expensive crappy food at rest stops
Stinky toilets at rest stops - at this point I'm blessing my snotty nose.
Phonecalls from parents - where are you? Are you nearly here yet? No we dont know where that is. Ah well you will get here eventually. Watch out for the long horned cattle. We will leave the lights on for you.

Cornwall is FAR. Its probably very beautiful. We mostly saw it in the dark.
The directions to the place are my kind of directions. After you have come off the motorway - count over 6 cattle grids, and look out for the house lights. Mind the turn is very sharp. - none of my directions to anywhere contain road names or numbers. Mostly its.. you know that pub? Its near there, turn left at the funny looking wall with the spikey tree by it.

We arrive. Its pitch black. Im dizzy as hell and have been posessed by the bubbly snot monster. My cousin waves us in aeroplane style with a torch. The room is beautiful - the whole complex is an old converted abbey and farm buildings. There is underfloor heating. (We cant work the underfloor heating) Im alternating between falling over, sneezing, being boiling and freezing. The ensuite is superheated to volcanic proportions by the unswitchoffable heated towel rail.

Saturday - Ducko and I giggle at the amusing sign on the toaster telling you it is an attended appliance, which shouldnt be left unattended. We stop giggling as we realise this means our breakfast is very burned as the toaster doesnt automatically pop up. I had no idea they even made such things anymore. A not self popping toaster? WHY??? We giggle again as the burned bits are still tasty and random members of my family are doing odd dances outside the window to amuse us. Lordy knows what the bride's family thought she was marrying into.

We decide to try a local town to get something to hide my tattoos. There is one shop. It has a black shrug in its clearance sale. It is COVERED in large round sequins. Ah well... I can cut those off... it wont take that long. I get grumpy in queues at the best of times. With time short before the wedding, dizziness and a killer headcold - this was not the best of times. Poor Ducko tried to console me and reassure other customers while I muttered with increasing ferocity about my desire to end people who waste time in shops by taking items to the counter - then saying there is a problem... then sending their offspring to find alternative items, rejecting these... searching for others... all while a queue builds up behind them so long that people are joining it incase theres a celebrity signing at the front of it.

we make it out of the shop. Ducko drives while I start cutting off the sequins in a horribly dangerous sharp bladed scissors in a moving vehicle type way. Duckos car is covered in sequins. Our room at the farmhouse is covered in sequins. We cut the last ones off as people are shouting the Bride is nearly ready. We rush.

It was a beautiful wedding. Not standing on ceremony - just perfect for a joining of families. Giggles aplenty, tears from some, cake for all.
Well hopefully cake for all, we had to leave before the cake was cut that evening. Duckos first book signing scheduled for 12pm on the sunday. Back up north.
On the positive side - hes enjoying listening to my beloved Stephen Fry reading Harry Potter.

Id write more, but this is becoming another epic.

Bad tuesday

2009-01-28T11:30:00.000Z

Yes. I know its wednesday now.
Last night wasnt really a blogging time.
This week was going to be busy -
Monday - Jobcentre
Tuesday - Coffee with my best friend then a shift at Samaritans
Wednesday - Haircut and possible attendance of a Lesbian Wedding
Thursday - Ducko's book launch
Friday - Drive to the other end of the country for Cousins Wedding.

Monday - fine - jobcentre depressing as ever
Tuesday - Coffee with best friend - Suddenly best friend is crying and saying that she cant be friends anymore. - I hope you are sitting comfortably - this could be a bit of a long story.

My best friend has been my best friend for 15 years+. She has been engaged for a long time. Her fiance has a brother. This brother became my fiance. We were together for 5 years. Over time I came to realise that anything I enjoyed he would start, and take over - making it his more than it was mine. Petty little things.
People may think - Hey - its nice that he takes an interest. Its nice for couples to do things together.
Sure - thats true - it IS nice to do things together. But to have your identity and anything that is yours absorbed and subsumed by another is soul destroying over time.
One time I stood up for myself. One time. - now this taps into other stuff im still upset about so I cant detail too much -
Second Life. I found it - I made friends and found a second home - if you havent experienced this - you may have trouble understanding just how real it can be - the friendships and actions on there are as real as any ever - there I could be myself.
The fiance joined. The fiance moved into the area where I played. There I had a role, a function. It was mine. He began to encroach - just as he had with everything else. This may well have been the first time I even noticed this.
I asked him one night not to spend all his time there. Not that I didnt want him there. That I had stuff going on there and I couldnt be with him all the time. JUST not to spend ALL his time there. Pointing out the myriad of other areas he could get interested and involved in.
Something snapped.
I had wounded him.
I had broken his heart.
I was just like the last girl who had crushed him.
He didnt speak to me for a week.
I apologised. I pleaded. I begged.
I wasnt forgiven.
This continued for months.
Every time I spoke to him I would apologise for this apparently horrendous thing Id done.
I wasnt forgiven.
I came to realise that I hadnt actually done anything that horrible at all. I asked for some time, some space, something for me without his constant presence.
I got angry.
I said enough.
Im done apologising for this.
This didnt go down well.
Stuff happened - he said he realised he had been acting childishly. This didnt stop him joking when he had tests on his heart, that he now had a physically broken heart to go with the emotional one.
6 months of this. We didnt talk. I cleaned the flat. I cooked for him. He would eat and go sleep in another room.
Whatever I felt for him died.
Being treated like a pariah killed it.
There was nothing left.
I no longer saw him as someone I wanted to walk down an aisle to. I didnt want to have kids with a man who would sulk and treat me like that.
It was very over.
I didnt want it to happen - it was difficult as hell.

Things kicked off on my birthday - Id been talking with my friends for some time about how difficult things were. We all went out for a meal. Things were tense. During a drink afterward he threw money at me and told me to get a taxi home before storming off. I called him several times and said that we needed to talk about how things were.

Next day we talked. He apologised for how he had been behaving. It just didnt matter anymore. It was too late. I said I needed time and space to think about things and try to work things out. He argued that I had had nothing but time and space since august. I wouldnt call not seeing each other because he wouldnt forgive me, the time and space I needed.

Two weeks went by. I didnt know what to do. I couldnt stay with him because it was what he wanted. I couldnt stay with him because I was terrified there would never be anyone else. I couldnt stay with someone I no longer loved and make us both miserable.
I talked to my best friend. She was amazing. I knew how hard this would be for her - my fiance being her fiances brother she was in a horrible position. She saw how unhappy I was - and that things just werent working. She told me that he was expecting the worst and had moved all of my stuff into the spare room.

I tried to arrange a time to go round and talk to him - he avoided it. I ended it.

I arranged to go around the next day to pick up my stuff. He wasnt supposed to be there. He had put all of my stuff on the armchair in the spare room in a sick parody of how we presented our christmas gifts. His engagement ring in the presentation box, open, facing the door on the top of the pile of everything Id ever bought or made for him.
Despite saying he wouldnt be there - he was in the back room. I left quickly. I havent seen him since.
He demanded my engagement ring back. We had paid 50/50 each on each of our rings - and I had left his there - still in its fucking presentation box where he had placed it as far as I can tell, to hurt me as much as possible.
His brother sent me messages at night saying the least I could do was give him the ring back after what Id done. I didnt dignify this with a response. We had each paid half. We each had a ring. I know him - he wanted a dramatic moment throwing the ring off the Tyne bridge or somesuch thing.
Tough.

This wasnt easy - this was the end of 5 years - something I had thought would last forever. I wasnt fucking happy.

After a while my best friend told me that the subject of me and my now ex-fiance was banned in her house as it just led to arguments, rows and fights between her and her fiance.
Sadly - more than a year on - this is still a problem. For the sake of her relationship she has had to stop being my friend. Her fiance hates me. He things I strung his brother along. I dont know what my ex has told him, whether he has lied, minimised his role in the problems or what. I thought my ex had moved on - Id heard hed been on a few dates. Apparently he hasnt moved on. He is still depressed. So his brother hates me. His brother sees my best friend spending any time with me as a betrayal.

The thought of not being close to my best friend anymore is breaking my heart. For a while she was family - in my heart she still is. She is more my ideal sister than my friend. She shares my humour, my love of random stationery, everything. I cant do without her.

Ive offered to speak to my ex. Ive offered to speak to her fiance. Im going to suggest we all get together and talk this crap through. Maybe then they can move on, and I can have my friend back.

As for the rest of the weeks plans - there doesnt seem much point to any of them anymore.

Im very greatful to ducko for his help getting me through last night. I love him.

one week on...

2009-01-22T14:08:00.000Z

well its been an interesting one. maybe not interesting. not even eventful when viewed from the outside. hmm... maybe i should start again.

stuff that has occurred.

My hair has been dyed, once again I am PURPLE . Except for the underneathy bit at the back - which is still BLONDE and was to remain so until I had the time to do it PINK . PINK and PURPLE should be a nice combo - one I had a few years back, before I thought fuckitnowsthetime and went all PINK . This is now on hold for a number of reasons - mainly parental. I thought that the underside being PINK wouldnt be too much for the prosepective employers who arent beating a path to my door, even to tell me they havent hired me this time. Parents disagree.
Now, normally, this would not stop me. I may have slowed down... perhaps briefly paused... but then woulda done it anyway - coz im nice like that.

HOWEVER

My mam spotted one of my new tattoos.

This is not a good thing. Shes not gonna mention it to my dad apparently... at least until i do something else 'horrendous' and she grasses me up like last time. She even begged me not to get any more. I thought it prudent not to mention the other 6 she hadnt seen...
They are already unhappy about the hair. They LOVED the BLONDE . It was NORMAL (aka i hated it) So even tho its regular hairdye from the chemists - one that normal people use - it still looks 'AWFUL' and warrents such vitriol as 'What have you done that to yourself for?'

So.. I tidied my room - well - the floor and ComfyChair TM anyway. So if Mam does decide to blab - I can say "Yes - tho your sweet little girl now looks like hellspawn and common as muck and unemployable - her room is TIDY!!!" this will not last - tho i am planning a major clear out - that will have to wait till I can stand without falling over.

Ducko's book is out - published and everything. Ive been having fun arranging prizes for the launch and various bookmarks and specially designed raffle tickets. fun fun fun. I love crap like that.

I have this week had to revisit painful memories - not something im going to go into too much detail about - but the hurt they still cause suprised everyone involved. That said - moving on is the goal now - and however unhealthy it is Im packing all that crap away and putting a large weight ontop of it. Ive tried thinking stuff thru and dealing with it that way - it doesnt work for me. not yet.

On a cheerier note I HAVE NEW SHOES!!! Third attempt at shoes for my cousins wedding. The are too big (website reccomended buying a size up as they tend to run small - and hey my actual size werent in the sale anyway) I will percy veer as they rule. Next week I may be writing about a trip to A+E and the fun of having broken ankles fixed - but till then heres a picture for you to salivate over.

Nope. denied. Il post one later when their website isnt down. but trust me... they are PRETTY.

Fortunately im not the goose

2009-01-12T12:21:00.000Z

Yes - its very fortunate Im not a goose... or a turkey... or a pig. Id be off to ye olde abbatoir. Xmas has fattened me up to disturbing proportions. Not happy. Not the kind of not happy that got me thinner in the first place. Humph. Not that I want to be unhappy again. But the blubberloss was nice.

anyhoo... dizziness is attacking - too many hours of scrolling thru job sites - and sale sites - still need shoes for cousins wedding...
So now I not only need to stop eating bad food - always a comfort when dizzies are about - but need to find a form of exercise that doesnt make me dizzier.

Someone has tidied away the house exercise bike.

Walkings no good - dizziness wont allow speedyness. Even slow walking has to be my patented Head no moving up and down at all TM walk. which looks weird. and without my pink hair - people looking at me weird feels a bit judgemental. Pink hair armours against a lot.

ok - am not supposed to be on the computer much today. will go tidy my comfy chair and watch stuff that doesnt move too much, spin, or have flashing lights.

review

2009-01-06T14:19:00.000Z

Yes.. i know i posted yesterday - but Ive just spoached this off the lovely B's blog watching geordie life.. and thought id fill in my answers to ward off the dizziness of job applications.

2008 REVIEW

1. What has been your biggest achievement this year?
Surviving

2. What made you laugh most this year?
Frankie Boyle. he is wrong. nasty. and almoust illegally funny - tho Michael McIntyre's skipping bit nearly hospitalised me.

3. What has been your favourite/most listened to piece of music this year?
Dropkick Murphys - no question.

4. What was your best holiday this year?
Hmm... ok so maybe this quiz was a bad idea. Il go for something that wasnt really a holiday instead - my Bro's wedding.

5. What new skill, if any, have you acquired this year?
New skill.... new skill.... erm erm .... Ooooh! I made a dress that hasnt fallen apart yet!

6. What's your happiest/fondest memory of this year?
That wedding again. Was incredible.

7. What's the best book you've read this year?
damn... there have been a lot this year since i decided to read despite the dizzies... Pretty damn amazing have been 9987 by Nik Jones http://watching9987.blogspot.com Black Boxes by the lovely Caroline.

8. If you could spend next year as a film character, who would that be?
Damn.. tough one... Lara Croft.

9. What new hobby did you take up/old hobby did you reinstate this year?
Sewing

10. What one thing would you really like to do next year?
Find what I want to do

11. What has been your best discovery of this year?
Sailor Jerry Rum with Dry Ginger

12. What news story of this year has had the biggest impact on you/do you most remember?
The usual stuff... the important stories such as the Congo crisis that are overlooked as soon as some 'SLEB' falls over and flashes her arse

13. What's the best film you've seen this year? (can be at the cinema or DVD etc)
Best is always the Crow - but thats on limited viewing nowadays..

14. What was your best buy this year?
Perhaps my 7 new tattoos

15. What has been your best day out this year?
*frowns* Beth taking me to a book launch worked out pretty nice...

16. Is there anywhere you'd like to visit next year?
Somewhere warm.

17. Name one thing you did this year that you'd like to do again.
Tattoooooos... tho at the time I did say to myself NEVER AGAIN!!!

18. Who gave you the best advice this year?
Dont know that Ive had any advice. Dont think I would have wanted any.

19. What new skill would you like to acquire next year?
Driving would be good

20. What was your favourite TV/radio programme of this year?
Scrubs has done a lot for me - and Im saddend by the death of Humph... radio just wont be as funny any more.

Bonus question that I'd like to have been asked: Do you have any regrets?
yes. but hopefully regrets are better than never knowing. maybe.

Feel free to spoach and do your own answers - I love being nosy and reading them!

Snappy Blue Ears to all

2009-01-05T12:45:00.000Z

Well another year older and deeper in debt...
Suppose most people are these days. Anyway - despite money worries or terrors - the world moves on. It might even eventually grant me a job- you never know. Il have to find something soon. Being alive is expensive! Food... Other people requiring stuff... Clothing...
Unfraughtionally (<--- new word doya like it?) parents are in the know about the job interview I had before xmas... So now mum appears everyday with a sad look on her face and apologetically announces that theres no post for me. This is one of the many reasons I do not keep parents informed of such things. They make the disappointment worse - even without meaning to.
Its snowing. Not big flakes that will lie, just enough to make walking to the postbox to send off an installment to the creditcard bill that bit more galling.
I suppose a lot of people are thinking about their new years resolutions and how they probably wont keep them. Il share mine now. Havent made any. Never do. Not that Im resolved in that - that would defeat the object. I prefer irony to hypocracy anyday.
Christmas already seems a long time ago, but keep the spirit going. A happy and healthy new year to you - whoever you are. (Il be my usual unspirited self here tho and limit the whoever you are to people I like. If I dislike you...well... you deserve it. mwuhahahahaha)

Dont worry about me - honest

2008-12-18T16:21:00.000Z

Do you think it can be put to good use? Feeling this way? The cold swoop as all your internal organs seem to shrink and freeze. I doubt it can be... it would only produce self indulgeant twaddle like this. I hate the past. I hate some of the people in it. Id prefer it if they werent around to affect my present. These people taught me to hate hope. To despise it. Hope = pain. I dont want the past to wreck the present and future. Ah well. Goes to show that this shit still hurts. I think I came to the conclusion a long time ago that life = pain. So im still here - for a long time I wished I wasnt. Prayed for it, begged for it to end. Not for things Id done - but because of others. One of these I encountered again today - hence the present clenching of stomach, rising vitriol, the icy heat of hate - it burns warm and soothing - its pleasant to hate - but its shrouded in ice - I despise myself for wishing another harm - tho they would do the same for me without batting an eyelid. (even in my current clenched state that phrase amuses me) My hatred is cold and implacable - there is no excuse for them. One day I hope it wont matter. I hate that it matters now. It will fade again. It isnt ready to leave me yet. Its something that for now I will live with. I have people now im terrified that this post will hurt or worry. For that Im sorry. You have in turn kept me alive and helped me smile again - even now thru the tears of how much I love yas. Right - thats me exorcised a bit. So again. Dont worry - Ill be fine.

That she looks like an ugly drag queen doesnt even help that much - as remembering that makes me think of it all again - and thats not worth it - even for the split second of mirth it brings.

No, Im not the Grinch

2008-12-16T12:39:00.000Z

Im not. Honest.

I love Christmas - What it actually means rather than the modern secularised - Ill celebrate it and expect presents even though I redicule your beliefs - sort.

Im much more all encompassing in my way - not to say that I have it right and everyone else has it wrong - that would make me as hypocritical as most world religions.

Im happy that people get together and celebrate - If they are of different belief thats fine - Peace to all and I celebrate along with them on their holy days. Ah im rambling coz Im still pissy about a stupid 'news' article that was on the tv yesterday - where a woman was called 'RACIST' for having the outside of her house decorated for Christmas. There was so much wrong with the dullards complaint that it beggars belief. Religion ISNT Race. Nor are Snowmen and Candycanes technically symbols of any religion - never mind any race. Grr.

Theres ongoing tension in the house for some reason. Maybe Im generally pissy coz of the state of things. Still no work - Still people asking WHY I havent been able to find anything yet. Still people asking WHY I dont know what I want to do career wise.

Im dizzy. This does not help my mood. Everyone seems to be stressed with THE SEASON - which should be bollox - as all the tension and stress is self imposed or perceived -

Today we have had the debacle of the tree. I have always put the tree up, sorted the branches, then Mum does the baubles - as explained to Ducko this weekend - I may seem like a bauble fascist - but Iv got nothing on my Mum - Everything has to be symetrical - theres no point trying to help- she will complain and direct and eventually redo it when you arent looking. This has been discovered and learned over many years. I do the set up - the tinsel - she the baubles, then I do the lights. Sorted. For some bloody reason this just isnt seen as right this year. I maintain that my Mum needs to get her hearing checked. After having to repeat everything I say, eventually I get snappish in my repetition. Not right of me I know. I should just shout in the first place - but then I get yelled at for doing that too. Theres no point explaining to my Dad that when he comes to yell at me for apparently being HUFFY with my Mum - that he does the EXACT SAME FKN THING when he has to repeat himself time and time again. There is no point in starting this argument - He doesnt do that, He is convinced - It all becomes my fault again.

It becomes an excuse to have a go at me for all the grievances they have been storing up - I do nothing around the house. My room is always a mess. I contribute nothing. I dont talk to them and whenever I do Im in a huff and make them think its their fault. Im not making enough of an effort to find a job / do something with my life.
I know I sound like a whinging teenager here - I dont do much around the house - nothing infact. Occasionally cook a meal or wash up. My room IS always a mess. Coz thats just the way it is. I need to have another clear out of stuff. I contribute nothing - fair enough - I dont, what have I got to contribute? I dont talk to them. We dont talk in our house - we argue. Mostly goodnaturedly - but arguing nonetheless. Huffiness is brought on by this argumentative nature. I spend little time with them coz theres other stuff Id rather be doing. We dont like to watch the same things on tv etc etc.... ok this is turning into a huge whinge.
I need to be separate - its beyond time.
Il go downstairs and explain - loudly - but not loudly enough to be misconstrued as shouting - that I wasnt huffing when I REPEATED "Theres the tree done". Mum will get it. Dad will sit up in his computer room thinking badly of me. Theres no other way - this is how we work. I love them hugely - Its just spending time with them thats the problem.

Oh and my fone is fkd. It wont send messages. Im going to get coffee. and a Sarnie. And talk to my mum.

c....o.....l....d.....

2008-12-09T15:13:00.001Z

Ok... Iv just finished a giant mug of coffee so I better type this quick before I start to ice over again.

Stuff is... messy. I need to tidy before I can decorate my room for xmas. I need to find a place to put old uncomfortable chair - which is currently the residence of smallish pile-o-stuf TM in order to get the xmas stuff out of the cupboard. (many pairs of shoes and boots will fall out and land on my feet at this point - in shoekarmic payback for them being shoved in a cupboard and not worn very often) Then old uncomfortable chair needs to find a new home, as new comfy chair needs to be moved as thats where Mr Xmas tree goes... one problem i foresee - new comfy chair is huge. and space where old uncomfortable chair is.... isnt. i could leave it by the window - but then i wouldnt be able to get to the window for curtain opening/shutting rituals. Tho that might have to be the solution.

(icing over update - the feet are numb)

The Louis de Bernieres thingy was good - I called a complete stranger a genius when he knocked my glass of orange juice over. The drive down involved sutton bank - a 25% steepness series of hairpins - always great fun in the dark and the ice. He got a helluva noise out of a scooped out armadillo tho.

(icing over update - the hands have gone now)

Ive found some festive shaped cookie cutters!!! - They were hiding in the back of the kitchen cupboard. Im overly impressed as trying to buy such things was proving rediculously expensive and elusive.

Im dizzy - from making xmas presents and overdosing on suicide girls. Gotta love a Ducko who doesnt mind either.

wish the icing would hit the throat and ear - relatively sure somethings broken now. Swallowing hurts. Yawning hurts. I might put a hat on. There are several reasons for this. I might tell you later if you are lucky.

Sore ears

2008-12-05T18:43:00.000Z

Ooooh I feel like a right whinge. But Im gonna say this anyway.
My ears hurt. Will get better in time Im told. Not much comfort at the moment. I NEED to find some anti dizzy tablets. I know where there are a couple - but not enough. KNEW I shoulda asked for more when the Dr told me the sore ears/throatyness would get better by itself. eventually.

Im going to hear Louis de Bernieres talk on sunday - apparently its in a little place in the middle of nowhere.

Time for some dizziness maths.

Middle of nowhere = Twisty roads

Twisty roads = Dizzy me

Darkness = Dizzy me

Twisty roads + Darkness = Dizzy me squared.

So - if i cant find any more meds this is gonna be a nightmare.

Aside from that its money and job worries as usual - exacerbated somewhat by impending xmas - making presents is however much fun.

and now a timely reminder
The beloved Ducko's book is out. ((*&...
ok il try that again
9987 - available from Tonto books online and preorder on Amazon!
It may be thought that Im just hawking this here coz its Duckos - Im not. Its an amazing book. Real - Disturbing - Funny - That and the cover will look great on your bookshelf when you arent re-reading it - even tho the Publishers wouldnt let him call it Lesbian Nurses....

Jumper is still itchy.

(and if this post looks odd - it wouldnt let me sort out the font sizing... if it looks ok - never mind)

Interesting weekends and possible frostbite

2008-12-01T16:35:00.000Z

Yes. twas an interesting weekend. Moving Ducko to his new abode. Yummy food and some kitchen disasters - which still tasted good. Burnt chocolate is tasty - who knew?

Then we went to a pub and met some Lamas. (These are pronounced Lahmey in a Bo Selecta Stylee.) The lamas were in a field by the pub, not drinking at the bar - which would have been better - and warmer too.

Anyway - I have a bizzare talent. Just the one? No, but its the one Im gonna tell you about here. I can scratch my throat with my tongue - oh yes. A handy skill indeed. Its great for when my throat itches - however - there is a downside. When my throat itches during the day I can scratch it and stop. No bother. When Im asleep however - different story entirely. So at this time of year - and in hayfever season - I wake up with a killer sore throat - having been scratching it all night in my sleep. Not fun. The same nerve thats in the throat is in the ear - so my ears hurt too - adding to the dizzyfun.

And its freezing. It was freezing over the weekend - frosty had been around several times, flocking the world with icyness. Thats marvellous. Today it rains. And hails. So now Im soggy and cold. I need gloves to type really but I cant find them. And I'll get told off if I put my hair dryer on to warm myself up - good argument for washing my hair really. At least then the miracle of the toasty warming device is legitimate. Ill go do that now.

On pride

2008-11-27T19:15:00.000Z

Pride is a weird thing.

Sometimes I have it in myself - not often, but sometimes. Mostly it has been pointed out by other people - like the 'rents when I graduated this year after 8 years. 1 1/2 years normal the rest obscenely dizzy and rediculous. *bows* *bows*

Pride in my friends *passes around sick bags for those with dispositions like my own - im honestly not used to such saccharine revelations* is more normal. They have done amazing things.

A brief list would include : Thwarting unhelpful teachers and their criticisms to go on to being successful lawyers training for the Bar. Dropping out of school but now working on a PhD. Travelling to wartorn countries to work for the benefit of others. Following their dreams around the world. Being there for others even when it hurts themselves.

Today there is a new thing to be proud of. Ducko's book. Physical. Real. Able to give people papercuts and the shivvers. I have a copy. Im proud of his realisation of a dream. Im extra impressed that its creation involved a not inconsiderable amount of dressing gown wearing.
Big cheery grins to all those who deserve them.

p.s. When I get my pink hair back I'll be prouder than an entire bunch of lions with new bowties.

oh its so cold!!!

2008-11-24T14:43:00.000Z

OOOOhhhh its COLD!
Today is monday. Mondays arent always good. They arent always bad.
Things that make mondays bad include : Getting HUGE phone bills. Sleet. Seemingly uncancellable contact lens deliverys (ok so I havent tried very hard to cancel them, but I will tomorrow.) Depressing job applications. Money worries. Dizziness.
Things that make mondays better include : Prospects of seeing Ducko. Potential use of free starbucks vouchers - tho due to sleet this will have to wait till tomorrow. The beautiful sky when its not sleeting. Chicken soup with added chillis. Chocolate orange.
Admittedly these things apply mostly to today. But could be relevant to all mondays everywhere.
Thats why there are Happy Mondays and Boom Town Rats.

Ways to start the day

2008-11-20T11:00:00.000Z

There are of course many ways to start the day.
Heres a shortlist of those that came my way this morning alone.

*thought* Oh Im awake. Aaaahh warm and comfy.
*frowns*
*memory* Dream dreamed last night
*thought* Hmm that wasnt a pleasant dream. Having Gordon Ramsey yelling at you and threatening to cut your toes off for not having tidied your room and for being unpleasant to your mum Dame Helen Mirren isnt nice.
*thought* telly telly telly telly telly telly telly telly telly telly telly telly telly telly
*action* Turns TV on
*thought* Frasier's on... must be erm... earlyish o'clock.
*action* Turns phone on
*thought* will there be? will there be? will there be?
*action* Smiles
*action* Reads txt from Ducko
*action* Txts a response, then deletes following sudden bursts of fear about financial situation
*action* Worries about finances
*action* Gets up
*action* Turns radio on, bemoans the state of music today, goes to make coffee
*discovery* Theres nothing breakfasty to eat for breakfast
*action* Eats chocolate and orange minibites for breakfast with giant mug-o-coffee
*action* Smiles

subsequently stolen off B's fabby blog Watching Geordie Life

2008-11-18T17:26:00.000Z

Stolen from mysty twilight who I found through the blog widget.

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now,(even if we don't speak often or ever) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me.

It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph in your blog and see what your friends come up with.

(go on. i DARES ya!)

Cold

2008-11-18T14:52:00.000Z

Its cold.

I could put another jumper on. But a blast of the toasty-warm device is much more appealing.

Weekend away with Ducko was

fun horribly early fun tiring expensive interesting sentimental amusing beautiful dizZifyinG cold monstermunchtastic exciting disturbing cheesecakey hilarious HOT infuriating suprising LOVELY

Now its back to the everyday - the applying for jobs when all the news shouts of companies downsizing and people being made redundant. Another interview with the jobcentre looms - I dont care anymore. Il take work - so long as the price isnt my integrity. The world has enough nastyness without me adding to it - except for my usual jibes at friends and loved ones. They know if I ever mean to be nasty I'll let them know in advance.
Ive helped another friend book in for a tattoo - shes having the numbing gel which I hadnt even heard of until the guy was nearly finished mine.
humph.
ah well, I'm tough. 7 tattoos in one sitting - no pain, no pretty birdies.

Also managed to come up with an idea for a way to solve the world economic crisis - cant say too much here - must talk to Mr Brown first - but I'll tell you this much.... it involves pretty shoes...

On excitement...

2008-11-14T15:57:00.000Z

Yes.
Im excited.
And nervous.
And itchy - but thats wooly jumper related.
Im excited and nervy and bobbing about. I have to print out tickets. I have to get my passport. I have to empty my rucksack of its debris and fill it with exciting and useful stuff. I have decisions about shoes to make.
Im concerned about taking my eyebox on the plane. Are eyeboxes allowed? Do they have to be in special seethru bags? Ditto for perfume I suppose. Ah the added difficulties of not taking a bag other than a carry on. hehehe what a carry on. sorry.
Ipod is charging. Ipod has new stuff to listen to on it. Camera battery is charging... at least I assume that its charged when the light on the thingy goes out. Should charge my fone... but nah. (watch me regret that one)
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek and I still have to wait HOURS. tum te tum te tum... I know I have lots to do in the meantime.. theres a very exciting looking parcel that is begging to be opened... but nailvarnish must dry first... Its already getting dark, there is a beautiful sky out there. Dove grey, peach and blue. Hurry up Ducko... Im excited!!!

Drizzle, more fun to say than proper rain... but more annoying.

2008-11-13T15:43:00.000Z

Yup. Its drizzling. How terribly English to start a blog with a weather report. Tho as I was recently pointing out to Ducko, talking about the weather is a delightful trait. Its not just that English people can only talk about the weather coz we are all terribly boring, its just a nice, open, inclusive way of starting a conversation with a stranger. To people who criticise the English for doing so I would like to ask, how do you strike up a conversation with someone you dont know? Jump in with a debate about Rachmaninov? The weather is something anyone can talk about, everyone can have an opinion about. Its a universal topic. Also, being England, the weather is generally a bit crappy, giving the people talking something to unite against, promoting a feeling of togetherness as we whinge about the rain again.
As for another recent debate, I asked Ducko one of my lifelong questions - Is fire alive? Now I know my opinion on this, I think it is. It adheres to all of the things necessary to be alive, spelled out in the acronym MRSGREN. My explaination of just why I was right about all this fell down a bit as I can now remember what very few of the letters stand for...
Bugger.
Perhaps...

Movement
Respiration
S
G
Reproduction
Excretion
Nutrition

Any biologists out there?

Apple Ogies for this being a bit of a rant... I blame the drizzle.

Sore feet...

2008-11-11T19:58:00.000Z

Well... the initial dressing smart and use of bag that isnt rucksack went well, and a second interview was granted.
Second interview showed job to be sadly something I just dont want to do. Canvasing people for money in their homes, even for charity... just aint my bag baby.
So I bought stickychillichicken to make myself feel better. Time is the best healer for sore feet tho, canvasing involves a lot of walking. In smart shoes this = sore tootsies.
The 'rents agree I made the right decision in saying I didnt want the job. If Im going to be soulless and evil I really dont want to have to do so much walking in smart shoes for it.
For some reason my room is freezing. Id curl up by the radiator in my comfy chair and read my book, but Pile-O-Stuff (TM) has reincarnated on the chair.
Dr Ducko is maintaining loveliness levels. Of this I am more than pleased.
Ooooh! I just remembered I bought chocolate... excellent. That makes searching for work again slightly more bearable. Wouldnt it be lovely if someone would pay me to sit about making sarky comments? Id be good at that. And now I have smart trousers I could do it in. And I could wear my uncomfortablest and therefore most beautiful shoes...
Anyone hiring?
Anyone?

Wastes of time

2008-11-07T14:55:00.000Z

Once again I am reminded of the futility of organisation and tidying. For the third week in a row, someones ill and plans have been cancelled. A welcome reprieve for some, a big ole waste of time for others. Admittedly, my room was a tip. And Pile-O-Stuff (TM) was getting out of hand. But since brother+lovely wife were coming to stay, I actually got around to removing one of the mattresses from BottomBunk - no easy task - as Pile-O-Stuff (TM) has a cousin, BottomBunkBottomlessPit-O-Junk (TM) and it lives there. It has squatter's rights its been there so long.

So Ive made a huge mess of temporarily tidy floor by sliding a mattress out Jenga stylee - knocking a fair amount of BottomBunkBottomlessPit-O-Junk (TM) off in the process. Mattress then knocked a picture off a wall, and washing off hangers, and the doorknob off the bathroom cupboard. The bathroom was the only open space of floor available for hoovering of Mattress. Floor gets partially tidied as larger bits of BottomBunkBottomlessPit-O-Junk (TM) were thrown back onto remaining mattress.

Phone rings.

They arent coming. humph. Now Im faced with having to put Mattress back - an even bigger job than removing it in the first place. Unless Im VERY clever. And VERY careful, It may just be possible to slide it underneath the one already on there - avoiding tipping BottomBunkBottomlessPit-O-Junk (TM) back onto the floor.

Ah well. At least I get to wear new dress tonight - a dress inadvisable for wearing when eating with family, and not just coz it will show off new tattoos, which by now are all lovely and healed.
That and the gypsy cremes made for people coming can now be munched at any time!

Tidyness and Pile-O-Stuff (TM)

2008-11-06T16:24:00.000Z

Spent several hours today tidying. And as yet nothing is tidy. A binbag of clothes and bags has gone to charity... another binbag of rubbish awaits the binmen, carrier bag of magazines and another of cans and bottles awaits the recyclymen. There are now patches of visible carpet - where the invisible carpet is is anyones guess. I have even tidied out some drawers that havent been opened since the last time I tidied them out about a year ago.
The Pile-O-Stuff (TM) residing in the wardrobe since the arrival of comfy chair a few months back has been sorted out. Pile-O-Stuff (TM) had been living on old uncomfy chair, and instead of actually tidying I did the usual of punching and kicking Pile-O-Stuff (TM) till it stayed in the wardrobe as long as something relatively substantial was holding the door closed.
Things found in Pile-O-Stuff (TM)
# Xmas presents from last year, bought for people and forgotten about so they got something else...
# Xmas presents for this year - astoundingly great stuff I thought Id lost and would have to re-buy...
# Bags of wool and material offcuts - but not the half finished knitted blanket or quilt...
# Lots of pairs of tights...
# Glow in the dark spider confetti...

Going to watch fireworks for Guy Fawkes day was great - even though I didnt get soup. Being distracted by Dr Ducko I did miss a fair bit of the pretty lights, but the distraction made up for that. As did Captain Boring who someone had employed to MC the event, as the final banger went off,
"Well, thats it."

By the Power of Greyskull!!!

2008-11-04T19:35:00.000Z

No idea why. Never really liked He-Man, just enjoyed saying the name of one of his enemies over and over and over... Mantenna Mantenna Mantenna...
Welcome to the randomness of my Tuesday.
Today I have mostly been dicovering amazing necklaces that I NEED (they look just like party rings), sitting around waiting to be nice to people who didnt seem to want anyone to be nice afterall, and getting the monkies scared out of me, firstly by an unexpectedly noisy printer - it in itself was not unexpectedly noisy - just its not normally noisy at the time it decided to be. I jumped and ghost fought it for a few seconds before the surrounding giggles of others made me stop.
Secondly by a phonecall. Most unexpected. Could be good things. I could even have to wear my smart shoes and carry a bag that isnt my rucksack.
::note to self ::
Learn to walk in smart shoes without getting blisters.
Buy tights that arent stripy.
Find things to carry in bag that isnt rucksack.
Remember to check that all tags are gone from bag that isnt rucksack.
Remember to check all stickers are gone from smart shoes.
Find a geek who knows morse code to decipher if the Stig was listening to anything in particular on Sundays TopGear.
Finished reading Black Boxes by the marvellous Caroline today. My review here must be short as the timer has just gone off on my tea. In short, Loved it.